DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

Op Don’t waste another day on this man.

He has been there, done it, and doesn’t want to do it again.

I would go as far as saying don’t date a man with a kids. It’s rare for woman to dump a decent man when they have young kids. Why was he single? Did he take responsibility for his part in breaking up? If he left a woman with two small kids he’s shown you what he’s capable of. He will have loved her very much too once upon a time.

You said up thread that you never argue. That’s a concern - does this mean you compromise to placate him? I’m older than you but if a man I was dating asked me to help with his kids homework I’d have been unimpressed. Unless he apologised and explained why he felt it was my job to educate his primary school aged kids (who I don’t even live with) we would have certainly argued. I can’t imagine any explanation would have had my heart fluttering at the thought of loving in with him. He didn’t like to be working while you had your feet up - cheeky fucker.

I might have missed your post up thread but what did you say? How did he react?

You’d move in and become default childcare. Fuck that shit. Wish him well and as other said he will find a lady, without kids, to replace you as stand in parent. I wonder if he’d ever date a lady with kids of her own?

Please don’t waste another minute. Find a bloke without kids. Argue. Say No to him and see how he reacts. Someone up thread suggested an ultimatum - no, he will resent you going forward. You will be on the back foot and he may lie and get the snip (not unheard of). He’s told you, tell him you ‘respect his decision and although this is sad you appreciate his honesty and it’s over. Please do not contact me going forward as you won’t change your mind’.

Few books I’d like to recommend. They will make you a better partner and give you things to look for. I wish I’d read them in my 20s.

Gottman - seven signs of making marriage work.

Gottman - fight right (I think it’s called that) it’s a book on arguements.

Diary of a ceo podcast - interview with the Gottmans

The Gottmans are really good relationship experts. Well worth reading. Your boyfriend however needs dumping.

He is far too old for you anyway. Doesn't seem like it now when you are 29 and he is 39 but when you are 40 and he is 50 it will be different. There is an entire generation between you and you are an instant step mum. Don't do this to yourself. There are other men out there. Let him go and go find a man with 3-5 years age difference of you, the closer in age the better.

Don't waste another minute on this man. Dump him.

He has no intention of having kids with you and he is testing your boundaries and making vague promises to see if you will continue the relationship regardless.

At 29 you can meet another man and have kids. But be clear about your intentions from the start (wanting to have kids now) and don't waste any time with guys who don't have the same goals.

I am sorry, Op. He's an arsehole. But at least he has told you now.

29 is young. I got divorced at 29, met someone a year later and had my first of 2 kids at 35.

Yes this happened to me, except no prior children on either side. We had been together ten years, since I was 18 (I was 28).

We split, I knew I wanted children. I'm now married with two children.

If children is what you want, and it sounds like it is, then this is what you need to do.

I was 31 when my husband announced he’d changed his mind and didn’t want kids. It took 2 years to get divorced because he argued vehemently about it all (another story). Anyway, you’re right, dating is difficult in your 30s and I have 100 stories which are now hilarious about bad dates. But I persisted, convinced someone was out there for me. I met him at 38, we have kids (yes naturally conceived) and have been together for 15 years.
Please do not think you have ‘missed your chance’. You will miss your chance to have the life you wanted if you stay with this man. If you stay, you will eventually become resentful towards him if you aren’t already. You say you ‘never’ fight. This is a huge fight imho. The biggest a couple can have and he sounds awful to me. He wants his cake - another woman to look after his kids so he doesn’t have to do single parenting— and to not have anymore or as I see it: ruin your life too. Imagine if you did have kids with him. He sounds like he is nit that interested in parenting.

Having a kid just to keep someone isn’t brilliant either though.

Absolutely this too (not considered enough): a ten year age gap becomes much harder when you’re 50/60 or 70/80. So you’d be sacrificing your chance to have a child to care for his … oh and then your chance for an exciting retirement to care for him.

Sorry OP, it’s a rubbish situation but you’re young, and you have the chance to start over and find someone who all around is a better fit for you. Take it!

He wants you to look after his kids because he's lazy. You're a glorified nanny to him. He's jealous that you have free time to do as you like (have a lie down, read a book) but he has the responsibilities of children. And you don't even live together yet!

Don't move in with him, I can almost guarantee if you do that you'll be the one responsible for all house work, cooking, looking after the kids, he'll start making you do the school run.

There's a reason he had to date someone so much younger than him, all the women his own age would see through his charade

Yes OP in my 40s.
But it's not a good idea to deliberately delay it as fertility does decline. I was just fortunate. Time is still on your side.

You've still got time to find someone else and have children. I had my first at 35, second at 37. Men don't realise how monstrous it is to do this to women, who waste their fertile years on someone who doesn't want the future they want. Sorry OP, this is rubbish behaviour from him.

He says he is on the fence but a lot of men say this to stop their partner leaving. They say this for the next 10-15 years. Outcome is the same - no kids, except by then he’s strung you along for so long that it’s too late for you to have them with someone else.. It’s very selfish.

@stepparenthelp please move on, I have two friends whose partners told them much later into the relationship, who then stayed on but now too late for both to have kids. Both amazing women but you can really see the regrets there.

Exactly this 💯.

He knew he never wanted more kids. He lied to you. His aim was to eventually get you to give up the idea of you having kids. #hewasplayingchesswhileyouthoughtyouhadfoundtheone

I had my 1st and 32 and my 4th at 40. No issues at all

At least he was FINALLY honest. I bet he felt that way all along and only said he wanted kids to string her along.

However, now that they'll be moving in together, it would be natural for them to start trying so he is forced to admit his real feelings about it.

29 is young! At that age I felt the same as you but by 30 I was with the person I was meant to be with. Engaged by 31, first baby at 33 and second by 35. Currently 38 and pregnant with our third.

I do regret the years I spent waiting on previous boyfriends to get it together and remember being really scared at 29 that my life wouldn’t be how I imagined. That fear was wrong and my life is so wonderful. Your future can be wonderful too. Get out of this relationship!

get rid, run for the hills a man who says he wants kids says names etc then says he doesn't want them is gaslighting you. if he thinks you should be more involved with his girls yet not commiting to having kids with you. its not the perfect relationship you think it is. if you want kids and he does'nt then leave as you will regret it if you don't have kids of your own

1. I think you need to keep your anger so you can cut ties. It’s not that he leant want kids (he already has kids), it’s that he doesn’t want kids with you…so he wants to have kids and he wants you to miss out and be fine about that. It’s not you’re fault you believed him, but the man you fell for doesn’t actually exist - it was just a nicely presented package that when you took the packaging away you realised it was pretty shoddy in reality.
2. Its fairly telling that he wants you to find and do homework with his children - these are “wife” jobs that he wants to palm off so he doesn’t actually have to parent or bother with his children when they are with him. He’s a lazy parent and not someone you should want to have children with even if he offered to change his mind right now.

As a positive he has told you now. It would feel much harder after you moved in and if he had strung you along for several more years. Walk away now and find someone on the same page as you. If he doesn’t want the same things as you he is not the one.
I met dh at 30, we moved in together at 32, got engaged at 35, had our son at 36 and got married at 38. We did talk about a second child but decided we didn’t want another.

I had my first at 38 and 2nd at 40. I wouldn't have had kids much younger. I also wouldn't be with someone ten years older or younger at this point. Move on and find someone your own age, he's already stollen enough of your life.

I met my dh at 29, married at 31, had dc 1 at 32, dc2 at 35 and dc3 at 37.

I have lots of friends who got married over 36 and had 2 kids

I had children at 33, 36 and 42. My neighbour remarried and had hers at 41 and 43.

It does look like your partner doesn't really like looking after even the kids he has if he wants you to do more of it. You'll find better.

I found my partner at 29 when I went back to university to do a masters. Some kind of radical change of situation might help.

You aren't an idiot. Ten year age gaps aren't always a sign the relationship is shallow and I don't think you are at fault. However, in this case it is quite engaging because he is using his age as a reason not to want more kids. Which would be fine. Except he chose to be in a relationship with a younger woman, who didn't have kids and who he knew wanted kids. At 39 he could have met a woman his own age or older who didn't want children or who already had children, as he does. Instead he basically set out to trap a younger woman who (even if you hadn't discussed it) could be reasonably expected to want children. There is a point, way back in the past before you properly fell for each other, where he made that decision.

I had my first at 33 and I was the first in my friend group bar one. And her 2 youngest are younger than both of mine.

So many uni friends had them after me too.