DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

I had my first child at 36, having been with my husband since age 30. Several of my friends ended long term committed relationships (8-10years+) at 30 ish due to differing future goals and have now settled with new partners and have had children. They are much much happier. I also have a close friend who waited on a man dragging her along who had other children, until she was 36. She has been unable to find a new relationship since and is now approaching 40 with no children. Now is the time to leave, if having children is indeed a deal breaker for you, trust me

I was 29 when I met DP socially, 31 when we moved in together, 34 when I had my baby. I was the youngest person in the antenatal group in London and I'm still median average age for the primary school group of friends now we've moved out of London. And that was a few years ago, the ages are going up now.

I know a friend of a friend who had a baby at 22 and struggled to make mum friends because everyone was at least 10 years older.

I was completely single at 30. Now at 37 I’m getting married next month and we have two amazing children together (yes I know, wrong way round). Don’t panic on the age - but also don’t waste any more time with this man. Be angry with him - he has strung you along. I really doubt he’s suddenly changed his mind entirely.

this is very similar to my story - I deeply deeply loved my ex and we remain good friends . He has also never had children so I was right to leave. I really struggled to get over him. Then because I had left because I wanted children that became my mission and I had children with a very awful man. Like this poster I love my children deeply and can not regret them , but I would probably have been happier staying with my ex and having no children. However I only know this with hindsight and if I had stayed my urge for children and not knowing how awful some men can be would probably have made me unhappy .

please dont feel rushed into having children. I had my third at 45!

good luck op

As a classic mumsnet quote “he wants a nanny with a Fanny” he wants you to help with their homework

There is no way I would have given up my chance to have kids by staying with a man who didn’t want them. It’s even worse if the man already has kids because he’s stopping you from having what he already has and wants to drag you into playing an active stepmother role without your own children. It just sounds awful.

Also, when you say you never argue that’s not necessarily a good thing. I think it sometimes means two people who avoid conflict and don’t want to rock the boat so don’t deal with issues and just pretend it’s all good.

either leave or stay resent him or he may change his mind but if he does he’s likely to be a shit dad / support to yoi as he’s not fully in it
having a baby with no support is brutal

Agree with others. He's future faked.

He's also lazy and dishonest.

Find your anger. Dont waste another minute, move on.

Run. He wants you to take over the parenting of his DC whilst depriving you of your own.

You will bitterly regret staying with this man. You are only 29, you can easily start over and have the life and the family you dream of. Not with this man.

Listen to the masses OP and move on ASAP. Look at the facts. He has NEVER planned any kids and was irresponsible enough to have not one, but TWO unplanned kids. Then, was incapable of maintaining a relationship with their Mother. She clearly doesn’t want him either. There is a reason for this you are not aware of.

The ‘future’ you are mourning has single Mum written all over it for you if you did have a child together. You also haven’t naturally taken to being a fully involved stepmom to his kids so this is a future with disaster written all over it.

We became parents at 33 and it was 100% fully planned responsibly. Maybe get some eggs frozen as a backup, but you have plenty of years ahead of you to find the right partner. Dump this loser. Good luck OP! x

OP I’m going to give you 3 stories that I hope will cement your decision to leave

1. My best friend met her DH at 30. He was 37 with 3 kids. When they moved in he admitted he didn’t want anymore kids. He’s previously said one more! She had to make a huge decision about what was more important at to her-kids or him. She chose him as loved him very much and loved the kids. She helped raise them
   Shes 45 now and he’s just asked for a divorce. Won’t sit down with her and explain the reason why and has moved out. He’s cut her off from the children she helped raised and is now in perimenopause and unlikely to have children of her own. To say she feels robbed is an understatement.

2. My other friend also met her DH when he was divorced with 2 children. They had the kids talk properly after marriage as he’d always said he was ‘open’ to more kids. Turns out he wasn’t sure. She gave him an ultimatum and they went on to have 2 kids. Her life is miserable. She does pretty much all the parenting of her step kids and he refuses to get involved with their kids as it was ‘her choice’. He’s not a great dad in any way.

3. My lovely friend had a horrible break up at 30 and worried she’d never meet anyway again. Met her DH through online dating at 32, moved in after a year. She had her children at 35 and 37 and they are in a loving happy relationship.

Please put yourself first and don’t worry about time running out. I also second the advice of the poster who says to work on yourself before jumping into anything else. Good luck!

Get out while you can. He potentially has saved you from a life of misery. Alarm bells that he thinks you need to help his kids do their homework?! Even if he changes his mind now you know deep down that it’s not what he wants and you will both resent each other. It will be painful but much less so than if you had children together. You will find someone new and without kids already preferably

@stepparenthelp Yep. Just for perspective at 28 I was set to marry a man 10 years older than me. Had everything: London house, country house, filthy rich, hadn't been married and no kids. There was a betrayal and I won't go into it here. I left. I was determined that men could get stuffed and I'd grow old with cats and roses round the door.

Within a year I met DH. We haven't really been apart since our 2nd date. We wanted all the same things. Engaged after 18 months, married a year later, I was nearly 32, first baby at 34.5, second at nearly 38. Grown up now. He is far more intelligent than the old b/f, and far less shallow and I think I'd otherwise have been very bored.

37 years later, I have a lovely husband of 65. I sometimes think about my old boyfriend, he'd be 77 now, nearly 80, and I think back and see a great escape. DH is my soul mate and would never betray me.

Good luck love. You're a year older than my dd and if she were in your shoes, I'd be sighing a huge sigh of relief, whilst giving her a cuddle and letting her wipe snot on my shoulder.

@Lincolnlemons
You’ve hit the nail on the head OP. I started again at 29, it was terrifying going back into the dating pool

This must be very true about jow you are feeling right now @stepparenthelp , that's exactly how i felt. And i let it push me into a very wrong decision.
Don't let it keep you tied to guaranteed eventual misery. Leave this relationship.
You will meet someone else but don't let fear or feeling like you are running out of time make you pick the wrong man to be the father of your DC.

I think he is selfish .most women want their own DC not be a nanny for others! Move on OP you are not old at all.also you can go it alone if need be ,many do and it works out

Please move on OP. You will regret in years to come . Find somebody else and have your own child/children .

If he can be duplicitous about something which he knows is so important to you, can you ever trust him again?

I say get rid . I had a baby at 38 as did loads of my circle . My mum had me at 38. You have time to meet someone else who doesn’t have all this baggage and wants the life you want . Do it sooner rather than later if you want kids.

No the age gap is not the problem. 10 years is not “a generation”. I was 28 and DH was 39 when we started dating. We’ve been married 36 years and very happy. DH had never been married and had no children.

So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

You’ve hit the nail on the head OP. I started again at 29, it was terrifying going back into the dating pool but before long I met a wonderful man. We’re now married with a beautiful DC.

This man isn’t it, I think you know that already but I understand it’s so hard. I promise it will get easier and you’ll be so glad you put yourself first.

@stepparenthelp It's actually really good advice.
I got married because I thought I was running out of time - I was 33. A long-term relationship had ended a year or two earlier (another lying man). I had my youngest in my forties.
I now have time to repent of that very unwise rushed decision.
Looking back, I realise I still had time. I wish i had listened to people who told me 'you are still young enough, you still have time'.
They were right. I did. But i didn't see it then.

I’m 59 now with two girls aged 26 and 20 but I lived with a man for seven years from ages 22 to 29 who strung me along and had me trapped in a relationship and kept telling me we would have kids but not yet. He was 15 years older and at about 28 I realised I needed to cut my losses and split. Met a lovely guy 2 years later and got pregnant at 33. You can’t stay with him. If he’s prepared to mess you around like this he’s not worth it and your biological clock is ticking.

This is bullshit. My best friend had a baby at 45. I had my second at 36 and it took me one cycle to conceive. Very healthy baby and easy pregnancy. 29 is very very young!!!! You have ALL THE TIME. Don't listen to this nonsense. But you don't have time for this guy anymore.

I was engaged at 28, single at 30. Got together with my partner at 31, pg at 33, pg at 35 and pg at 37, married at 44....
Or there and there abouts.
I remember my 30th - a close friend got me to do a lovely event and I had a great time but it was so different from the life I expected. My ex-fiance was a liar. My husband tells the truth. I know where i am happier.
Do what you have to do to put you first.