AIBU to think DH needs to step back from being so involved in the selling family home?

He needs to see a counsellor.

I lost my Dad when 18 and then my Mum when I was 30. Of course people here have lost parents! And it's not a case of dealing with it "better", I deal with it every day of my life still and I'm 55. But you don't seem to be listening to people that your DH seems very mentally unwell, as well as grieving.

The DH owns it outright and there money left for property upkeep and OP DH has inhertited money he could spend.

What he is doing is wasting viewers and estate agents time and winding OP up fretting about potential buyers.

I think op DH is in a very lucky position than most people who are under financial and familial pressure to get sales done - he has none of that.

What he does have is pressure of a promise made to his late father to pick a nice family and to try and ensure no undue development - which TBH is a huge ask as he has no control over what buyers do.

I was your DH in a similar situation, but to a lesser extent I think. Also the eldest, I wanted to put covenants on the house preventing future residents from taking down the apple tree and installing fake grass as I was fretting constantly about the wildlife in the garden. I hated everyone who viewed or made offers on the house although I never met any of them as the estate agents did all the viewings. My co-executors were very kind to me about it and I always knew in the back of my mind that all my hostility was part of my grief and complexities to do with my childhood challenges and the safety that I’d found in this house that had been in the family for two generations ( it had never been my home but I spent a lot of time there). I struggled to accept that it wasn’t the time or the place for me to take it on (similar issue with schools and areas) but stepped back in the end and let another family member deal with the bulk of the selling tasks. It’s sold now and although I still feel sad about it, since the sale went through I feel I’ve moved on a bit with my grief.

I hope my sharing this helps you to have gentle conversations with your DH about moving on. Maybe grief counseling would help, I wish I had done it.

If you take it off the market that takes that pressure of him to find right people to sell to.

He's clearly feeling pressure about finding a family to sell to and not someone who may then sell to a developer.

Honestly refuse to engage with any nitpicking about potenial sellers - have a set of phrases - well it's up to you - or maybe it's a sign to leave it for a bit - or perhaps it will all become clearer in time - well renting is still an option - then wander off.

He clearly has much to unpick with grief counselling and no family or monetray pressure to actually sell.

Perhaps the issue here is your attitude - you want it done and dusted when he wants to take his time and perhaps doesn't want to sell at all. Perhaps you need to reframe it as PP suggests as his hobby for now for him and just keep .your emotional distance.

Empty houses generally do not increase in value because they start to deteriorate. And meanwhile the estate is having to pay property tax, utilities etc.

I know a family where the wife's family died and their house was just left to go to rack and ruin. The wife has now died too and still the house remains unsold. It was her husband who would not permit a sale even though the parents were not his.

So sorry I didn't read all your updates and that was rude of me.
Regarding grief - he's had his parents at least until his 40s if he's coming up to 50 now. That is very very lucky. Yes it's the norm in upper middle class society due to socio.economic health but it's not the norm for everyone. So he definitely needs some understanding but also it sounds like the grief counselling is very much needed. Being an 'orphan' leaves you feeling adrift.
It sounds like there's enough money to keep it for 8 years or so until the kids are through school and then make a decision. If so then keep it as the family holiday home. He's not ready at all and if there isn't a money issue or tax issue then it's ok to wait a bit.

I can totally sympathise with his feelings of grief because I’ve lost both of my parents too. It’s truly awful.
However, unless he rents the house out, or can afford to maintain it from his own money, he can’t just leave it to slowly rot away over time.
I lost my mum when I was 35 and my dad when I was 51 and the thought of having to sell our childhood home was so incredibly upsetting. We were in a slightly different position because the house sale was to be shared between myself and my two siblings. They were keen to sell asap. Me, not so much.
The thought that got me through the whole emotional rollercoaster, was the fact that I was comforted by the thought of another couple moving in and raising a family in a happy home, just like I was.
Hopefully soon, your DH will feel a similar way.
Dismissing people for wearing the wrong shoes though, isn’t ‘normal’ behaviour. I’m glad that he’s having counselling and I hope this will make him realise this.

This is ridiculous behaviour. He needs some psychological support to let go. He should not be involved with viewings. Maddening for everyone. It’s either for sale or it isn’t.

the op's husband owns the house outright RTFT

I would get his siblings on-side and get them to have a much firmer dialogue with him now - we have received offers that you have declined, it’s time now to stop this and we have to actively move forwards, it’s the right time to take the next offer. We don’t have the funds or inclination to pay over the coming winter months for council tax, house insurance, water, gas, electric and be taking risks with possible pipes freezing, risk of internal damage, the house degrading while unoccupied, maintenance, the garden, drainage, the roof (add more to this list).

Maybe Knight Frank can contact some of the recent people who made offers…

I know some have mentioned renting over selling, just a thought that if he is being very picky and struggling to find the 'right' people to sell to, could it be harder for him as a landlord with more regular involvement?

Landlords can definitely be a nightmare for tenants if they want to visit lots, comment on what they do in the property etc. If he is already being picky, he may not be ready to have the involvement with another family living there.

Obviously you guys will know best. He may not be ready to sell yet, but a clean break might be better (when he is ready), rather than keeping the involvement. Or at least try and ensure the day to day management is with an agent rather than by himself.

If it's with Knight Frank it's going to be well over a million then isn't it? Tbh if buyers get a whiff of what he's like they'll back away anyway. We are just about to complete on a house with a divorcing couple - never again. They have been completely unreasonable and Batshit. At first I thought it was because they were stressed - nope she is just mental. If it's been on over a year your pool of buyers is ever decreasing in this climate. You might end up.with less money and a dead weight with angry brothers.

Then if it’s causing him, and you by extension, this much drama, why don’t you suggest keeping it until he deals with his raw grief?

Your DH is obviously dealing with complicated grief which is blocking him from dealing with the sale of his dad's house rationally. However, he is able to behave in a way that does seem quite self-indulgent because he can afford to do so. If he couldn't afford to pay to maintain the house and garden and pay bills, home insurance and (soon to be double) council tax, he would need to be more pragmatic and less emotional through sheer necessity.

This. I’d be furious if I was his siblings. Even if he is the executor, he is failing at the task, and this could very well end up in court and lead to family estrangement.

potential buyers are going to know of the house and not bother with it if this is his carry on.
no you’re not being unreasonable and his siblings will be well within their rights to start legal proceedings if they find out about him declining all those offers.

All those things have been thought of pretty much. He does he gardening, I have been helping him as well his father's gardener still come and does the gardening often. He has thought about what he will do to keep the house in good condition its the house he was born in of course he will maintain it. The practicalities have been thought of, he has quite a big inheritance and has split the other parts of his inheritance with our children, what he decides to do with his own money is not up to me. His father left some money for the upkeep of the place, they did discuss this years before he passed, his father wanted the house to go to a family that will at least live in the property and not turn it into some sort of development or HMO.

Honestly if there money for upkeep and a plan and a promise not to sell to anyone who will develop - then frankly not sure what the issues is.

I'd tell him take it off the market - see how much work it is next 12 months then see if he wants to sell after that or rent out to cover maintance costs.