AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my 19-year-old daughter’s dependence?

No advice but just wanted to say I sympathise and you are not the only one going through this 💐

Agree with a couple of Pp above.

She sounds very much like my DD who is autistic. My Dd is emotionally and socially about 3-4yrs behind her actual age.

So at 19 she was no where near ready to engage with her peers socially and emotionally like most girls her age.

She can go to a university club to do something that she is interested in (or might be a new interest). She might make friends or she might not. But it will make her less dependent on OP either way.

I agree with this. In my experience they get to an age where its sometimes better all round just to listen and not offer advice.

Obviously being similar to you as you say you may also be neurodiverse if you have always struggled socially.

She needs to understand you nave boundaries and be gently encouraged to give you space.

I know how hard it is hut for now I would focus on holding that boundary

I agree with this. I don't think giving advice always works and I've seen it be the cause of fall outs when the advice giver doesn't feel appreciated too many times. I've made a conscious decision to try and switch to empathetic listening with my personal relationships because in the absence of a quick fix for their problems it's more useful.

It sounds like the language may be an issue; could she study in the UK instead?

She sounds like my daughter who is autistic.

Have you considered this ?

The first thing to deal with is that her similarity to you and your childhood/young experience is triggering for you. She reminds you viscerally if yourself at that age and your own mother’s lack of attunement and inability to connect with what you needed.

Start by taking care of yourself and giving yourself enough space to recharge your own batteries. Be honest with dd and just say “these times are off limits for emotional stuff.” Or go out and limit contact with her during ghe arsenic hours when she seeks you out for emotional dumping.

Once you are in a better space and have more spare energy then you can practice being empathetic without soaking up her distress or hyping it up by continually problem solving.

She will be ok. She will live her life. If she doesn’t like something she can change it. Just nod and say “that sounds hard. I support your decisions. You will work it out.”

Do most children leave home at 18 where you are? It sounds harsh to say you are sick of her. Encourage her to meet new friends but it’s not surprising that your child, who lives at home, spends time at home.

To all the people saying “she’ll make friends at university” – not if she doesn’t have and doesn’t cultivate the skills to do so.

Definitely get her into halls at uni -I made so many friends there

I'm guessing it's Ireland?
Where most people commute for college.
Living away isn't so common or possible.
I agree with others.
You need to set your own boundaries.
Calmly and pleasantly.
Thereby modeling adult interactions.
Try not to give advice unless asked directly and even then begin by saying hmm what do you think.

And break it up after a short period by declaring well I need a cup of tea.
How about you.
Get up as you say it.
Do not let yourself be cornered.
All the best.

Its hard for you but must also be hard for her if you are the only one she can talk to.

Can you reset boundaries, by letting her know you are not always available to talk? I work in a high pressure role and sometimes I will say to my young adult kids 'im exhausted today, just so you know I plan to relax and read my book and am not up for any deep.or heavy conversation tonight, but I will be around tomorrow after work'

Additionally could you do an activity together at home - painting, chess, movie night...so the focus is on that not on the deep chat.

I do understand bc one of my dc likes to complain about their situation but wont do anything about it. We argue bc I will say that we already talked about it and I have offered my advice which they dont want to take, and thats fine but I cant just hear about the sane thing over and over when they are completely unwilling to actually do something to change it. They get sassy saying I just want you to listen and in my head im screaming 'i have! Every bloody day for the last 6 months, I dont want to listen every day if we are not moving closer to a solution!' Obviously I dont say that out loud.

What country do you live in and how long have you all lived there? Does she speak the local language?

Encourage her to join clubs. Particularly ones where she can focus on the activity and not have to be too sociable until she feels more confident. Have a look on facebook for a "Parents of X University" group and ask what clubs are good for less sociable students (this question comes up a lot - do not feel embarrassed to ask). Then steer her at them. I appreciate she still has to make the effort though.

I feel a bit like this with my son; he has few friends and spends lots of time at home. I tend to put my headphones on or bury myself in a book when I can't face talking to him any more till eventually he gets the hint and goes off. That sounds horrible written down, but I do need time to myself as well.

Does she speak the local language?

Are we missing some information here? You mention her colleagues not speaking English. Have you moved somewhere where she doesn’t speak the language? Have you not lived there long?

Op this is so confusing where are you ? Are you in a. Non English speaking country ?
If so why when did you move ? Has this move and language barrier affected her ??

Can you help her set up a proper stocks.and shares account to save her little wages ?

She needs space from you to build some friendships of her own. A shame she's opted to stay local for university – could she not go into halls?
Mine was at home with me during Covid and we were very close (and of course Covid limited outside friendships with peers). But she eventually went university a long way from home and it was the making of her - it forced her to find a life and support network for herself, as coming home regularly just wasn't an option.

You need to stay supportive, she needs a supportive person in her life. Being the only English speaker at her work is probably hard and uncomfortable.

Definitely encourage her to halls but don’t worry about her having few friends at 19. At my 18th birthday there were three of us…including me!

Some people have huge friend networks whereas some make a few deep ones. University and living on campus will be great for her to meet people even if it costs more money.

Do you ever do anything with her OP? Go out for lunch/a drink/cinema. I have two DDs, and whilst they do need to be independent and spread their wings I still like to think we're friends as well as mother/DD. I enjoy their company ... mostly 😃, not always!

It does sound hard though.

Do you have friends and socialise?