To think we have failed our children/daughter as she now doesn’t want any other job just one in my office or working with DH.

Your daughter sounds lovely, extremely interesting, clearly very bright, and obviously knows her own mind and goals. She's been privileged, but i wouldn't say spoilt. As PPs say, having a car for her 18th birthday wasn't unusual, I was given a very clapped out old A-reg VW Polo.

Ideally, yes real world and real life work is great, but I think it's probably quite different these days to when I worked in customer services roles like shelf stacking, waitressing, etc during my teenage years. Getting any casual work like that for young people is good, but not as common as when I was younger, and it is certainly brilliant your bright daughter is very keen to work in a prestigious role for you, and not shirk work completely.

Why is it so important she has to get some work in retail/customer services roles? These aren't exactly easy to get, plus I don't remember them being particularly life enhancing or enjoyable. I'd say she's more likely to get some good experience doing work for you, particularly if she's considering a law degree. And isn't a brilliant thing that she's been taking her options seriously, so taking a year out, then maybe reapply to Oxbridge? She sounds tenacious and driven. You should be proud and encouraging her.

Ugh, is this silly thread still running?

There are young people around struggling with their mental health, unable to get any job at all, worried about debts and yet here we are discussing privileged children with good exam results, wealthy parents who support them, lucrative holiday jobs and endless opportunities...

Seriously! 🤷‍♀️

My children are very privileged we have given them everything because we can. we came from ‘nothing’ and didn’t want our children to have the same shitty life we had, we did worry that because they haven’t had to struggle they won’t have the drive to make something of their lives but that hasn’t been the case. We bought home cas and driving lessons and supported them through school and uni etc. But they went to uni, got jobs, had goals and are doing what people do. They did work in supermarkets and shops whilst at uni because that’s the part time job they could get. If they could get a job in an art gallery I wouldn’t have cared I would have been over the moon that they had any sort of job.
They never had the life we had because that’s not the life we gave them, they can’t do anything about that but it doesn’t mean they don’t have their own life experience and skills, it’s just different to mine and dh’s life experience and no one in their right mind would want to recreate that life for anyone!

This young woman has basically every privilege going and her parents are right to be disappointed that she has no intention of stretching herself.

Her outstanding A level results and desire to gain a place at Cambridge are indicative that she’s stretching herself. What would stretch her in working in a supermarket or a cafe? There are plenty of kids who really need those jobs and not enough of them to go round, in what world is it a moral option for her to take one of them?

I understand your perspective. She’s clearly incredibly bright and has worked very hard to get those grades. I agree a gap year and applying to Cambridge makes complete sense, she shouldn’t struggle to get a place with 4 A*s.

I get the feeling you want it to feel meritocratic and not as though she’s had a major leg up working for your solicitors firm prior to even studying law. Maybe encourage her to apply widely for those kind of jobs but she might find it difficult, jobs are hard to come by for everyone at the minute. If she struggles, THEN you should hire her so she isn’t sitting on her hands for a year.

Also, just picking up the comment that working in law will cement her privilege: absolutely not. Many areas of law deal with serious suffering/tough situations/extremely hurt or damaged or sometimes dangerous people. And those that don’t directly often have serious pro bono initiatives running. Volunteering would help your DD’s credentials as well as being a useful learning experience.

I don’t think only having non typical teenage jobs is necessarily the issue - at the end of the day she has been working. I can understand her not wanting to do a supermarket etc job now, I wouldn’t expect it pays as well as work she can get with you or her dad and that I’d expect that’s quite a driver.

However going to grandparents is more of a concern. Did she outright ask them for a car? I can understand any disappointment you have in this sort of behaviour, and I would be clearly stating I disapprove of this, and I’d be dropping in phrases about taking advantage of vulnerable elderly people to drive it home.

1. how would they know if was a family business?
2. law is a very very very common family business where children follow their parents into a firm and take on the partnership when their parent retires. I have a firm down the road from me which always makes me smile as it is ‘xxxxx and Daughters’.

when did working in the family business become so frowned upon. Many parents would be overjoyed that their children wanted to join them.

Editng to add- all the dentists I know followed their parents into dentistry doing work experience working at their family business.

I totally get where you’re coming from. It’s all very bouji isn’t it? Very “ naice”. I did some shit jobs growing up and it meant i
mixed with a variety of people and learned to get along with them ok and they saw that I could get stuck in. At 29 I moved to London and joined the Met and had a very full career working a tough job. It’s not that I want my own DD to have a rough time from work but it’s beneficial to see the level of your own privilege. My own DD is only 14 but she’s volunteered as part of her Duke of Edinburgh but I think going forward I would want her to re-visit that. I’m retired now but volunteer each week because if you want to be in a caring community then you actually have to put into it. Your DH sounds like a bit of a bore to be honest.

I think it would be beneficial for her to work in a different law firm at least where other employees will be able to treat her like any other intern / junior. Alternatively you could make it a condition that if she works for either of you that she volunteers for a few hours a week - maybe a food bank rather than the local literary festival.

I think you're right to be concerned about her being spoilt.

I wonder if there's another way around this that doesn't mean she misses out on a year's valuable work experience?.

And I'm curious whether it might be worth trying a different approach with your parents - rather than pointing out how they've contributed to the problem and asking them to stop, maybe ask their advice. "Mum, I need your help. I'm so worried about DD's attitude - she's quite spoilt and demanding. Have you got any wisdom for me?"

Might well not work, but you're daughter's character qualities are so important that it's worth a try.

I struggled to get a job in the supermarkets, and ended up getting a full time job in the civil service starting in HMRC. I'm still here twenty years later albeit in another department.

OP I think you’re struggling that this is the end of the road for parental influence and realising that you may not particularly like the people your children have become.

This is it, this is who they are. We can argue if its nature/nurture but makes no difference to the outcome.

Even if she was to volunteer, work in a customer facing role….who says it will teach her kindness, empathy, how other people live? She may become more hardened in her views etc

I think you have to accept, that your mind, your adult children haven’t turned out to be particularly pleasant people, lack understanding of the real world etc.

Maybe you’ve had too high expectations, maybe because you tried so hard for them you expect nothing but perfection? That the kids knew this and thought grades/status are the only important things about a person.
Would you have accepted a kind and pleasant DD who loved to volunteer but didn’t want to go to uni or have a career? Wanted to settle down and have kids early? I’m not sure you would. I think you would be just as disappointed.

Your kids aren’t perfect, you aren’t perfect as a parent. But for the sake of your relationship, you have to find a way to like your kids. You also have to accept that they are set in the people who they are, you as a parent, can do no more. Let go and try your best to feel joy in your kids.

I don't think you've necessarily failed her. It's okay for people to want to avoid everything less then comfortable, but in some cases they'll need to comply more or less. Or maybe not and she'll have a higher standard and will always look for something just like this AND she'll find it.

Id just point out that in terms of future job applications, a reference for her mum or mum’s firm might not be accepted (not in law, but in my field it would not).

I understand your point

For her uni application and future career the most impressive thing would be to work in a law firm but not yours. That might be the best for her development too.

I had all the rubbish student jobs back in the day. I did learn to be very grateful for my “nice” post university job. But I also think I’ve been held back by not feeling entitled enough actually. If you are going to be around a load of privileged entitled people in your career, a humble attitude isn’t necessary helpful.

Have her work in your office (relevant experience which universities will love) but give her the shitty jobs. There's nothing special about working in a supermarket (I've done it, it was great) apart from contact with the public and if you get her answering the phones or manning a reception desk she'll get that. A few months of relentless mundane jobs will knock a lot of corners off.

I think you're being unreasonable on the jobs thing. They've had work experience, that is what matters?

I've only had jobs that are related to my interests, even as a 16 year old, and it's done me no harm. Though I did have to find them myself, not via nepotism. I guess maybe it's the nepotism that is bad for her rather than it being a 'nice' job? Is she good? Would you employ another person her age with her skills if they weren't your daughter?

On the car thing you are not being unreasonable, that's very manipulative of her and she does need to learn to save for things.

OP, my DC was in a similar position to yours some years back. Had a place at Durham but when they got 4 A stars, decided to gap year to reapply to Oxford. In the gap year, volunteered in a developing country, building toilets for a school and also teaching in the school. Then went to another developing country and worked with children with learning difficulties. So yes, it definitely developed character, but it was obviously a very privileged way of developing character because most people wouldn't have been able to afford all the flights for a start!

If your DD gets into Cambridge, they are not really allowed to work in a shop or something during term time. Some do, but it's not advised.

Br aware that reapplying to Cambridge with all A stars is by no means a shoe-in. For law, your DD will not only need relevant work experience, but also show that she has achieved something above and beyond in that experience. She should try to play down the fact it's actually your company she interns at (if at all possible). If she could also get an internship at another law firm, that would be ideal. She will also need to enter some essay competitions, etc, if she hasn't already. Keep up evidence if academic development, basically. They assess gap year students to a higher bar and the full set of A star grades are just a given - all reapplicants will have the same or they wouldn't be reapplying! This is what you need to be worried about - not supermarket jobs. How will she feel if she doesn't get in second time around? She needs a strong back-up alternative. Durham can be a bit sniffy about students who withdraw last minute to do the Oxbridge thing (it's very common) and may well keep her waiting for her offer as a reapplicant who ditched their place after results day.

My DC who (luckily) did get into Oxford after the gap year has worked extremely hard. Not in a supermarket no, but has given 100% to any and every opportunity available. Did a Masters as well and did 3 internships during this year. No this one has never worked in a supermarket, but so what? They have a strong work ethic in the sphere they are in, which at the age of 24 is an international job with a salary of over £130k. You want your kids to be as financially independent as possible surely?

Just have a conversation with your DD about the risks involved in this gap year. Would she be happy going to Durham if the Cambridge plan doesn't work out? Crucially, would she be happy to have taken the gap year regardless? She needs to be clear that the answer to this is 'yes,' and that she has a strong and productive plan regardless.

“AdjectiveColourNoun · Today 06:58
The job thing is a bit of a red herring. You are worried about her character and a random job isn’t going to change that. And very likely an Oxbridge degree and law career will only reinforce her sense of entitlement which I assume is at the root of her character.”

@ForJadeEagle I agree with @AdjectiveColourNoun - your concern is about your DD’s character. She clearly is extremely bright and has a solid work ethic. You have not told us what kind of things she says but they presumably show a lack of empathy, imagination and awareness around privilege (ie she may have a very high IQ but very low emotional intelligence). It sounds like a lot of this stems from your husband but why should his values prevail over yours? Describing volunteering simply as working for free is to fundamentally miss the point but obviously you know that because you volunteer. She is still very young and there is still time for her to develop a better understanding of matters.

What sort of things has she said that were so concerning that the school have contacted you about it? Were they racist/classist remarks? What were the consequences of this behaviour? I assume that you were very concerned but your husband just brushed it aside.

Both your children seem to be taking after your husband and reflecting his views.

I don't think that privileged teenagers necessarily need to work in minimum wage jobs in supermarkets to be able to behave with kindness and empathy towards people much less privileged than they are but unfortunately your husband is setting a bad example.

Law is very competitive and it’s more important to get decent legal experience than working in a supermarket.

I suggest you say that you will support her for this year and she can work in your office BUT one afternoon per week she needs to be volunteering. A good 5-6 hours a week.

She isn’t really trying? Op says she is a highly competent (sort of) paralegal, turning up and and working hard at the firm. Given her grades I would expect she is excellent at it . The OP is upset as she isn’t going to work in a cafe or volunteer but wants to graft in a law firm. Did I misunderstand the post? If the daughter went to a law firm down the road and got a similar job would that be ok?

I think you’re overthinking. She has been working and by the sounds of it doing a good job and getting valuable experience. It’s not like she wants to spend the year lying on the beach.

Taking a gap-year and applying to Cambridge sounds perfectly sensible.

I do understand what you mean about the “real world” experience but maybe she could do some volunteering while working for you part time ?
Working with her Dad sounds like an amazing opportunity for an 18 year old too.

Also has it occurred to you that your 18 year old taking a “real job” instead of one of the two jobs you and her Dad could give her, she’d be depriving another person of that job that they may really need for money to actually live?

I’d say being spoilt is more about attitude really. If your DC are able to work at whatever job, and work hard for their exams they don’t sound spoiled to me. Are they polite and respectful to people? Do they have nice friends?

I understand OP, sometimes coming from privilege puts blinkers on kids and they have little idea how the “real world” works.

The only thing you can do is tell her that she can’t work for you during her gap year as you don’t need her. But your DH has to say the same or she’ll just go to him.

Then stop paying for things during her gap year.

You can’t force her to get a “normal” job. She might just ask granny to pay her for some gardening or something.

Don’t be too worried though. She’s doing well academically and has some work ethic. She’s not doing too badly at all. Reality will bite her on the bum at some point.

Offer her the job at your firm on the basis that she also does volunteering alongside it otherwise say she needs to get a job elsewhere.

Have her look in to travelling