Did grandparents who had no help become less willing to help?

Define 'help'

It depends on circumstances surely. Someone may well have had help from their parents, and this might not impact on whether they help themselves. Someone might be considerably younger than their own grandparents were when they were small, and therefore still be at work. Grandparents years ago may have been retired and have more free time. The grandparents may be considerably older and not able to help due to their own health.

My mum 'helped' me with childcare. I was a single parent, with no contact with the father, so needed the support. My mum only worked a few part time hours and was never one to socialise so had the free time and enjoyed doing it.

I rarely 'help', but do have my grandson most weekends and take him on 2-3 breaks a year, which vary between 2-10 nights. I also have sleepovers several times a year. Very occasionally I will be asked to have him on a certain day if thet want to go out, but generally speaking the time I have him every week and for holidays is because we want to spend time together, it's not to help anyone.

I am a young grandmother, with a good successful career, and a long way to go before retirement. This obviously also impacts as well

I became a grandmother at 37 and I have 3 grandchildren and 2 step grandchildren. I very rarely babysit as I've done my time with children and I love my free time. As soon as the kids whinge for the smallest reason in my head I'm thinking "fuck this".

Exactly, my parents help my brother and his wife with childcare, nothing is too much. I get no help at all. I’m sure my parents have their reasons, but I'm certainly not party to what they are.

This is true for my mother she is part of the "I never had help" brigade.

My parents and DH parents had no help from their parents and offer us no help with our DS.

They very much have the view that if they had to cope with no support then there’s no reason why we shouldn’t either.

We have had to reduce working hours and change jobs to ensure flexibility to look after DS during school holidays. The suggestion that they could help even for 1 day during the holidays is not even entertained by them.

One of the grandparents in our family, who does loads, lived in a different country to her parents and in-laws, so had no help at all.

And some grandparents who had lots of help don't bother at all.

Other things like health issues/having to work FT which was less common for grandmothers in the past, are other factors, and sometimes when they say they've done their bit, you don't know if it's health issues/can't afford to give up work, but they don't want to say that.

Some say it's much harder now, because in the 90s, they didn't have to worry so much about "parenting"; kids were expected to be out the house playing, and their was little chance of helicopter parenting.

My mum and dad had quite a lot of help from my mum’s parents, they lived with them for the first three years of my life, my grandad used to feed, change and dress me every morning before he went to work so my mum and dad could have a lie in, my nan looked after us every school holiday and when she was too old and unwell to carry on my cousin did it instead.

My parents have retired much much earlier than my nan and grandad and are younger than they were when they were helping to look after me and my brother, but they’ve refused to offer any regular help at all to our child and my brother’s. They said they don’t want to commit to anything regular as it “ties them down”, I’m not really sure what a few hours a week would prevent them from doing as it’s not like they have hobbies or travel frequently etc, but while its disappointing, it’s their choice, I haven’t pushed or challenged it at all as I wouldn’t want anyone to look after or spend time with my son if they don’t actually want to.

So now they will have a lower income and a lower pension but you will be alright as you have free childcare so you can earn as much as you want for the child you chose to have. Is it the first grandchild, do you or your partner have siblings what happens when they have kids. Of course they have a close bond their raising them.

My parents and my in laws both had no help when children were young. Both sets are super helpful now, really go above and beyond for our girls. When the nursery place fell through for DD1, both grandma's cut their working hours and did 2 days each - we didnt ask them to, they offered. We are extremely lucky. It's helped us out financially as less childcare to pay for, bit more than anything I love the close bond my girls have with their grandparents

My parents had no help. I (single mum to five) had no help. I only have one DGC and I'm available for babysitting/occasional childcare in emergencies but I am mid 60s, knackered and still working a WFH job which is set to continue, hopefully, until I drop from my perch. DGC is still very little so I'm not required as yet, but I've already said I'm not doing regular childcare. Love them all to bits but I've done my time.

Well yes, providing regular childcare for someone else is a job. I don't have grandchildren yet, so maybe my view will change when I do. But after 50+ years of endless work and barely a minute to myself, I think I'll want freedom to actually look after myself finally.

I do anticipate enjoying weekends with grandchildren, holidays and ad hoc babysitting and days out etc. I'd support where I could. I wouldn't want to not be involved with grandchildren, just not expected to put my life on hold again and provide regular childcare.

Can only speak from my own experience. But I think those that always have their children with the GP dont really want to be parents and then do not offer to their own children. My DM was a rubbish mother and I lived with my GP in essence. She has never even met my DC. My inlaws had little help really the odd week in the summer but then my MIL was a SAHM... she only offers help to her daughter which is fine because our DC know her so little they call her by her first name now when she blesses us with her presence every year or so! I on the other hand love being a mother and we have never even had a baby sitter or childcare we see these years as being dedicated to our DC - which I am aware is the other extreme!

It will bite them on the bum (not the fact that they didnt provide baby sitting or childcare, as we didn't want or need it anyway) but just their lack of involvement or care for our DC. bevause I certainly will be paying that back to them in their older years - enjoy the nursing home!

I don’t think my mum enjoyed parenting or the company of young children. That’s why me and my brother spent so much time growing up having days out, holidays etc with our GP as well so it was more enjoyable for them and they could have help/adult company. My mum would only ever babysit my DC when asked, they were passed back at the earliest opportunity and she never ever had a single day out or holiday with us or sleepover in 13 years.

I think grandparent input depends on loads of things tbh, proximity to grandchildren, whether they're working still or not, health, relationship with their children. My parents had a lot of family support and input, but we lived around the corner from one set of grandparents so had daily after school care for example and had cousins on the other side the same age so could split summer holidays between aunts/uncles. I have limited family support, we aren't local to any grandparents for various reasons but both sets do adhoc support at times for example when I had my 2nd DC my mum stayed to help as I had a protracted hospital stay.

The nearest I lived to my mother was 3.5 hours drive. She loves my dc dearly but no regular help. No we won’t be providing daily help either. Perhaps you have a point but I think the issue with today’s parents is they expect very regular help rather than the occasional weekend or help in emergency (willing to do these) and people want to dictate to the grandparents how to look after the dc - if that happens my services will be withdrawn entirely. No grandkids yet but have adult dc

I think that your own experiences colour your expectations. My parents didn't have any help from family (or anyone else come to that) so I was never looked after by extended family members as a child. Hence I never expected that kind of input when I had my children, and my DD doesn't expect it now. Obviously I'd help in an emergency and for one off occasions, such as DD and her husband are invited to a childfree wedding next month. But I don't see it as my role to be involved on a day to day basis, and DD has never asked me to be. It's not a "well nobody helped me so tough, I'm not helping you" kind of thing, it's more that we just don't see it as the norm, if that makes sense?

I spent half the week at my grandma’s consistently growing up. My mum hasn’t been interested in offering support whilst I’ve been raising my (nearly adult) children. For a number of reasons, I’ve struggled a lot over the years. Knowing how hard it’s been at times and how alone I’ve felt has given me the resolve that I will never leave my own children to struggle if there is any way I can support them. I’ve come to the conclusion my own parents had children because it was expected of them, rather than they actively wanted the responsibility.

If i lived half way across the world I would also tell my children how helpful I would be if I lived closer

In my experience, my own mum was very much of that mindset that she struggled so I should too.
I certainly did not have a village. I had very little support with babysitting and pretty much didn't get a break until they started nursery (things like hair appointments, I either had to take a grizzly baby with me or find a mobile hairdresser to have it done at home)

It has made me the opposite: I am very aware of how demanding parenting alone is and will make sure to be a helpful and hands-on fun grandparent, when the time comes. Also recognising the importance of giving parents a break to allow them date nights etc...me and my husband didn't get that; we were both frazzled and our relationship suffered.

Parenting is hard and I don't think being around your kids 24/7 without support is healthy for anyone. Especially when a toddler is challenging or a baby has colic.

I genuinely don't see how anyone has time to be regular childcare for grandchildren. Do you quit your job, use your only day or 2 off doing childcare but then when do you see friends, clean house do things for yourself. When i have grandchildren I will be emergency childcare and visit regularly but I can't quit my job to raise someone else's children.

I got no help. That’s why I help, because I want daughter not to have it too hard, as I did
Also I love having dgc, I am 69 lol
i also help with money for same reason

My in-laws had loads of help, hands on and cash. My parents had Basically loads of help.

My in-laws are no help. Any baby sitting would very much be in case of emergency.

My mum would move in if I let her 😅

My parents had no help and gave no help in any way once their children reached 18. But I don’t think any of my grandparents or parents actually enjoyed parenting so not surprising that they didn’t want to deal with grandchildren.

My parents had lots of support from my mum’s grandparents, both financial and childcare. However, they’ve offered little support to me and are distant with the grandchildren.

Ultimately, I don’t think my mum particularly enjoyed being a parent so it shouldn’t really be a surprise to me that she doesn’t relish being a gc.

My parents had LOADS of help from their parents and while being kind and loving grandparents, were very much of the "we're there to be visited" mindset rather than wanting to provide any practical help when my kids were small. They did help in an emergency though.