Did grandparents who had no help become less willing to help?

My parents had very little help (although did have some) and consequently offer very little help to us. My DM totally has an attitude of “well I survived so you will have to too”. It has slightly ruined our relationship now that I have kids and am working full time. I’m always juggling, sometimes struggling. She just watches and makes the odd smug comment. I find it so bizarre and hurtful. I will not be like this when I am older!!

My parents completely deny they had any help yet I can remember spending most half terms and summer holidays living between both grannies' houses (apparently me and my siblings are imagining that). My parents could prosper on one modest wage so didn't need to worry about school runs or sick days because mum stayed home (I fully appreciate she was very unhappy with being trapped like this but childcare provision was not the issue).

I've been a single parent since before the DC were born and have worked full time up to birth and back within 2 months (self employed) but I got the whole spiel about them being MY child, not THEIRS and to not expect anything. They did babysit occasionally but always had to be me doing all the drop offs and pick ups, planned well in advance and could be (and more than 50% of the time WOULD be) cancelled with under 10 second's notice.

I do as much as I can for my child and, if I am unable to help for a legit reason, I explain and empathise, not give a lecture about how it's their bloody kid and they should plan better.

Life's hard and we all know this...I don't know why my parents absolutely LOVED watching me 'learn life lessons' by struggling and failing - particularly when it's 'lessons' they never had to learn. Fucking sadists.

My mother had bags of help from
my grandmother and has never helped me!

I had lots of help of both my parents & my maternal grandparents and I now do the same for my daughter and have my granddaughter on a regular basis; not because I have to but because I want to.

I think it depends if parents or grandparents really want that time or at least that’s always been the case in my family. No one has ever asked or expected it. We all do/did it because we want to help as much as possible and spend time with the grandkids.

What " help" are you talking about

My mum says that in her day, parents/grandparents either gave practical help with kids etc, money, or a bit of both.

She/they have done a bit of both for us. More practical help for me, more money for my siblings.

Very much sounds like my parents years ago.

I was often palmed off at the weekend to stay with grandparents as they had hobbies they wanted to pursue but my brother stayed home (alone) as they didn’t want us both!

My own parents big bugger all for their own grandchildren, my two or my brothers two.
The result is they have no close relationships with any of them.

I notice my mother is very envious of other people who have a close bond to their grandchildren but she just couldn’t be bothered when they were young.

Funny how she fully expects us both to run her about as a free taxi service having done very little for anyone else. I occasionally withdraw my services as a quiet protest when I feel particularly resentful but she’s unbelievably thick skinned!

DH is an only child, my brother lives abroad. So our girls are the only grand children on both sides.

We had arranged a nursery place as we didn't expect them to help out, but when my daughter sustained 2 injuries due to the nurseries negligence during her settling period, my mum called me and said she was cutting her hours as 'no grandchild of mine is going back to that place', to give us time to find an alternative nursery, which we did. My Dad was a very high earner, my parents are definitely not struggling financially! And we more than covered any financial loss by my in laws.

We had very little help from my parents either childcare or monetary and absolutely nothing from in-laws. My husband and I now spend most of our retirement caring for my 94 year old father we also love looking after our 2 grandsons.

I think as you get older you become aware that a lot of people don’t have many active healthy years between retiring and getting various ailments and disabilities. Many people spend the last few years of their working life thinking about what they will do in retirement. Lots of childcare and being stuck at home may not be part of those plans. Being a childminder is an actual paid job. Many women don’t want to go straight from one job in to another often less interesting job but want a few years to have fun.

My parents were amazing childcare-wise. They were both from very large families in which it was just part everyday family life to help other family members.

My maternal grandmother was 4 when he father died. Her mother had to return to full-time work. My grandmother's 18 year old sister took on the adult role at home, looking after her 5 youngest siblings.

I think I have just grown up thinking it's normal to help family and would do all I could to help my sons out when they have children. My IL's were great, also.

I don't have a single relative who is the 'it's my time now' type and I find it hard to understand. I actually think that type of person must have been selfish all along, or not had a positive experience of parenthood themselves.

My parents received very little help from my grandparents. My dad's parents both died relatively young, and my mum's parents were pretty useless even in an emergency situation (my mum was hospitalised when me and my brother were toddlers).

My parents have helped me in lots of different ways - financially, emotionally, with childcare. So the opposite of their own experience. I hope to do the same for my DC.

I think the difference is my dad is quite open about the fact he has little interest in children, whereas my mum says she loves babies, tells all her friends what an involved grandma she is and how important grandchildren are to her; but she still wouldn’t look after or help with them.

Ive long made my peace with the fact I don’t get help- but I don’t judge my dad by the same standard as my mum because he isn’t out telling all his friends that he is grandfather of the year.

I grew up listening to my mum repeatedly telling me that she didn't understand women who helped with grandchildren. Now that she is a grandparent, all I hear is moaning about how she never gets to see her grandchildren (my parents chose to move miles away & I'm relatively low contact with them for various reasons).

We have had no help from anyone since having children, but if we become grandparents in the future, DH & I will do everything we can to spend time with our grandchildren, to build a relationship with them and to do whatever we can to try & make life easier for our own children as they navigate parenthood.

It sounds as though some women just don’t enjoy childcare but get judged more harshly for this than men do.

We don't have children but when i discussed the possibility with my Mum she said, she didn't have any help so why should she help us. On the other hand my MiL dumped my husband on his Nan most days but said in no uncertain terms she wouldn't be providing any childcare for us, even when they considered moving closer to us (they live 5 hours away) she said she wanted to be close enough for a day visit but not close enough to babysit regularly. Lack or assistance is just one in a very long list of reasons why we had decided not to have children.

I receive no help from my parents. My mother did look after my eldest while I was in hospital having my youngest, and she still brings it up 7 years later to point score. I spent a lot of time with may grandparents growing up, and also had experiences funded by my other set of grandparents, so she had both practical and financial help form numerous sources.

She does however have my Dsis children once or twice a week.

I think it’s the opposite. I had very little to nothing in terms of childcare but I’m determined to help with my own grandchildren should I be lucky enough to have any.
Friends who had help say they don’t want to commit too much to helping with their grandchildren

Both sets of parents had some help - my GP used to take us out, do pick ups from school, DH spent half of the summers with GP on holiday. We get very little in return, yes emergency baby sitting but no regular help. Both our siblings got sizeable help as they had children much earlier than us, I think my mum and MIL burnt themselves out bending over backwards for our sisters. I know MIL feels guilty about it - DSIL is married to a waste of space so she helped out loads with their DC, whereas my DH is hands on but works a lot of hours and travels a lot. They're both on quite poor health despite only being in their late 60s and I think it shows me & DH the importance of being healthy and staying fit as the years go by.

Mine are the opposite.
My grandparents helped loads, we were always off to theirs for summer hols and random weekends. My parents never help. They're both retired but never offer to have the kids. Ironically my nan is still alive, my uncle had kids later in life so they're still young and she's still babysitting at the grand age of 85!

I think when people say “ grandparents” they usually mean “ grandmothers”. Few grandfathers living alone would be expected to childmind. We moved away from our parents plus they were still working and my parents moved away from their parents. The grandparents helped but not in a weekly childminding capacity. I am just recently retired and having worked all my life would also not want a regular childminding job, although our children also moved away as adults so that won’t be expected

@Polishmamaa

My mil had obscene levels of support (never paid for childcare and had evenings and weekends free... ?!) and the most she'll do for us is make herself a tea at our house.
Shes in good health and 62.

My dm had zero help and is great within the confines of what she can do. She's 74 with a heart condition thst leaves her tired often.

Some people are family oriented some arent

I have too but they seem to be mostly American and a generation at least ago. There's an old family farm where 97 grandchildren can somehow run wild and granny turns out dinners. I don't think I've come across a similar situation in the UK. Could be wrong, obviously but mostly staying with grandparents seems to be for a few days while parents attend a wedding or similar.
Some parents are happy to help, some not so much. More help from emotionally closer families maybe?
My friend (74) has her young grandchildren (under 5) to visit and occasionally stay but she is literally exhausted by them. It helps hugely if you're a young grandparent, 45 as opposed to 75.

As a single mum, I had almost zero help. Ex became abusive when ds was 3 days old. Never once got up in the night, never fed or bathed him, became controlling etc.

Single mum by the time ds was 2, I had a childminder & have always worked full time. Over the last 16 years, I have had help with 2 school runs, and twice while undergoing chemo. That’s it.

So, while I will always support my ds and any future family, I’m not falling for too much “I can’t cope. I need me-time” stuff. Emergencies, yes, a weekly slot for a date night or meal out, fine, but not three days a week free childcare. There has to be a balance.

You just do what you can to support each family fairly. You don't have to be everything to everyone. Their parents have to understand that these are their children and grandparents can only do so much.