To think people who wear ADHD as a ‘quirk’ are insufferable?

My brother does this. Since diagnosis everything he doesn't want to do is "because X is sooooo hard for me because of my ADHD". He uses it as the ultimate get out. By contrast I have friends who have also been diagnosed and have said to me "if there's several things you're asking me can you send it in separate messages because it hard for me to work through a big box of text" and so I do and it's fine.

But then again since childhood he's always had a thing where he has to be the main character on every situation. I think the issue is you can be a neuro typical twat and a neuro diverse twat, still a twat.

The difference I find is between people who understand and advocate for things they need but ultimately still adult and those who just use ADHD as an excuse to be babied. Sadly my brother and your SIL seem to be in that category

I I have a old friend like this think very respected head hunted vet. High salary and good life one very long relationship her boyfriend from school now husband no big difficulties. We went to school primary and secondary and remained friends a long time after. The second she got her adhd dignosis she completely changed left her husband as she said she kept forgetting he was there. Got signed off work she now claims universal credit and pip. She brings it up in every conversation and I mean every conversation sorry I’m later it’s my adhd. If you ask what she’s been up to she’s been hyper fixing on something. If you say something she doesn’t like she’s got rejection sensitivity and to be careful. Part of me wonders if I’m just jelous she had a chance if a ok life. I was diagnosed as a child had multiple kids with different dads had a extreme drug addiction and struggle to keep a job got kicked out of schools and so on. We grew up close friends throughout all out school life and we were close after. It was almost like the dignosis ruined her life. Maybe she masked for to long and had a breakdown but it was sad to watch. She mentions having adhd constantly and we grew apart and she would ring all the time because she learnt something new on TikTok and wondered if i did it. I think mental helath and social media can be wonderful but extremely dangerous too.

Please tell me you got the dress back after you saw her wearing it again!

Agree with a lot of above posters.
Every 9 out of 10 threads on MN start with i have he as my kids have SEN.
Its like a green pull out card to be a twat and not control / parent your kids.

Yep. Mostly young females. No woman of 55 or 65 is self diagnosing, and blaming everything they do wrong, (or mess up) on their 'ADHD brain.'

Not saying older women don't have it/aren't diagnosed later in life, but older women who have it will have had an official diagnosis... (And they won't use it as an excuse for their lateness/messing up...)

As has been said, it's the self diagnosed ones who are annoying. They fuck me right off. As I say, IME it's pretty much all younger women - younger millennials and Gen Z - so like, aged 21-22 to about 37 who self diagnose.

this. Why keep her as a friend?

Yep! I hear you!

Constantly from virtually every female friend I have 😩. “Oh that’s the ADHD tax!” “Oh silly me, late again!” “Oh I forgot - that’s my ADHD!”

Never noticed any issues before they all went and diagnosed themselves 🙄

I work with people with diagnosed ADHD - funnily enough they don’t find it cute or funny.

Would you prefer people felt guilty and ashamed instead? You don’t like her (probably fairly) but not taking accountability isn’t an ADHD trait. But sometimes you do have to laugh at yourself and be okay with not finding things as easy as other people, no matter how hard you try.

She’s probably especially triggering to you as you work really hard to stay on top of things despite your ADHD whereas she’s not putting herself under that level of stress. Annoying for everyone else but must make life a lot more enjoyable for her.

Unfortunately this type of behaviour is becoming more and more common. I think they're all just a very particular class of CFs who see the "benefits" for lack of a better word, afforded to people with these conditions and want to cash in on them, themselves.

Notice how it's always the self-diagnosed who take the piss.

YANBU @ShotDowninFlames The most insufferable 'me and my ADHD brain' type of people are the ones who are self diagnosed. I know around 5 people who have diagnosed themselves with it, and use it as an excuse for any shortcomings they have, or any bad habits/ways they have (like your SIL does,) and it drives me bloody bonkers!

I also know several people who have diagnosed themselves with dyspraxia, never even seen a specialist about it, just decided they have it! A couple of them have self diagnosed with ADHD too!

As you say @ShotDowninFlames they are insufferable!

I don't think you'll catch any flak here because this seems personal; she's clearly trying to, for lack of a better word, out-ADHD you.

It sounds annoying and IMO insensitive at the very least, whatever she's doing and stigmatization are two sides of the same coin in my opinion, as it is not really a laughing matter.

It's not clear to me who you mean has undiagnosed ADHD here between SIL and DM but if you mean the former, maybe call her bluff by recommending she speak to a professional to get a diagnosis and help.

Yup, this. I can’t bear it when people use ADHD as an excuse to be a twat!

I'm often on the fence with these things. I've no issues with people talking about their challenges but I dislike when people go on and on about it at every available opportunity or when they use it as a reason to not take responsibility. Expecting you all to miss out on something because she forgot her ID doesn't beholden me to her. Most people would accept it's their mistake and let everyone crack on and enjoy themselves, not try and ruin it for them too.

Yanbu, i also have adhd and its bloody hard sometimes. I chose med free route and have done a lot if research to help me to better understand my brain and 'manage' myself and I have developed routines and systems that help. It is still exhausting and hard sometimes, even just sticking to the routines that I know help me is a challenge. But I try to work with my brain as much as I can.

I am not judging others because I know its not easy but it is frustrating when people dont do anything to help themselves, behave really badly and blame adhd as if its a get out of jail free card. And then tell me I must be 'high functioning' adhd when in reality it is bloody hard work managing it, most of the time.

So I am with you, she sounds like a knob and using adhd as a shield for her unacceptable behaviour

This! Don’t be buying things she forgot to bring OP and missing out of experiences that you have paid for.

in future, make it clear you won’t be doing that.

I know two women like this.

We are in our late 40s and I’ve known them since school and now they have both been diagnosed with ADHD, they have made it their entire personalities.

One was always a stickler for time keeping. Never late for anything in the 35 years I’ve known her.

Now being late, being “scattty”, being dis organised are her thing. She was never like that.

I know about masking etc, but honestly, she’s had a complete personality transplant. She has so many issues now, caused by her “ADHD” brain as she calls it that didn’t exist two years ago.

”Sorry I’m late, it’s my ADHD!” on and fucking on.

It’s truly bizzare.

It's even worse to tolerate when it's suspected, "I/ Dh/ child/dog" has it.

It will shift back though, as it is almost commonplace at the moment and those who want to show that they are not run of the mill will announce " Me, I'm normal." 😁

No-one will be more relieved than those who have an actual medical diagnosis,

I hope you didn't pander to her regarding the dress or meal

She might be someone I know, diagnosed herself from a 60 second insta video and now every one of her irritating habits are her ADHD brain and are highly exaggerated.

meanwhile everyone else with an actual diagnosis, my son and sil included have strategies in place to manage situations they may find tricky, they don’t always work, but it’s fine, it happens.

this woman though, absolutely 100% of her life is massive drama, and did we all know how much harder she has it than everyone having ADHD and being an empath.

You mention how hard you try to manage your life with ADHD - with the phone alarms, the notes to self, lots of screenshots too, I imagine. Your diagnosis has enabled you to understand why you have to do these things to just do the same as other people. But you do manage, whereas it seems she is less successful. For her, managing to keep up with life has been extremely difficult, and I imagine she is glad that there is a reason for this and she's not just rubbish at everything (something my ADHD DD often says). I imagine she is just happy there is a cause and perhaps also hyper-fixating on the diagnosis. I am sure the honeymoon period will wear off and I would just keep quiet until it does.

I'm not sure if I agree in general but YANBU to find your SIL's behaviour and attitude annoying. It's not ADHD to steal your dress or to not sort out underwear for her DC if she had forgotten it.

Everyone is desperate to be labelled so they don’t have to take responsibility for anything.

Remember how a few years ago people would claim they had ocd because they liked things a bit tidy? It’s as annoying as that.

Yes and no. Yes, this woman sounds bloody irritating. I was self-aware enough not to go on about it all the time because I’d already seen reactions like yours.

But when you first find out that there’s a reason for all of your failures you do see everything through that lens for a while. I can understand why people do it even if it’s cringey and annoying. Hopefully she gets past this stage and actively looks for ways to manage it.

YANBU, It doesn't sound like she has been diagnosed. I rarely mention mine in RL, but the purpose of my diagnosis was to manage the difficulties and work out some strategies to help with the daily struggle.

I don't object to people speaking about or sharing the strengths and difficulties, it is the light heartedness, nonchalant over use of the term that has become a bit of a problem. 'We are all a bit ADHD/Autistic' actually no.