AIBU to want more structure around partner’s time with his son?

I think people are reacting to this sentence of yours:

DP seems to walk on eggshells around his DS and will not say no, that doesn't work, or no Tuesday doesn't work but Wednesday does, or if you're heading this way on Saturday let me know.

That does very much sound like you would like your DP to tell his son he can't come over as and when he wants to, but when it suits your DP and you. At 14 kids are fine to be home on their own, so telling him he can't come over would only be because his dad doesn't want him in his house at those times and that is unreasonable as a parent.

Edited to add, you don't seem to want to have the same rule for your kids who are actual adults. They can stay in their home whenever they want to, but not your DPs son.

whether my partner should be setting some boundaries/parameters with his son and Ex.

It’s DS’s home.
If he wants to be there every day then he is welcome to.

Would you be happy if your DP asked your DCs to stay at their dads on weekends?

Can't you meet at your house on the child free nights? Then he can either tell his son he's not in, or go back home later, but at least you won't be disturbed

yeah, it's a shift and it's actually a healthy one in the context of your DP and his DS. But I do get it. Last week DH and I were devastated slightly disappointed when DD was out and DS announced at the last minute that he was NOT, in fact, going to the party he was supposed to be going to!

I think part of it is the new stage right? Teenagers have very different schedules to children - my daughter is around or not and comes and goes and goes to bed later than I do sometimes. It's not like when my kids were younger and 7pm bedtime then loads of hours for me to hang out with my husband or watch telly or whatever.

Decide it doesn’t work anymore?

Because the father you chose to date … is in fact a father?

Your outlook on this situation is really quite staggering.

Couldn’t you tell your adult sons living at home that: ‘Tuesday, Wednesday and Sunday don’t work for me this week, you’re going to have to sort out an alternative place to stay on those nights’. That way, you get a childfree house and your DP can stay at yours.

(No you probably wouldn’t say that to your sons…)

They moved three miles hardly out of the area - a bike ride if that.

Youa re going to have to suck it up

You’re being outrageously unreasonable. You want to enjoy your own sons in their home with you, with you coming and going as suits you without restrictions; but you think it’s wrong that DP can’t have the same with his son? Of that stepson can’t come and go from his own home as he pleases?

You want people to live their lives to a schedule they can communicate to you in advance so that you can optimize your life?

Give over. Why doesn’t your DO stay over at yours? Because your sons are there? Well his son is at his house. And before you say “well he can go to his mum’s house, my sons have no other house”: this boy is a child, your sons are adults who can live in their own houses (renting, for example, like DP’s daughters do) or go to their dads’ houses.

Listen to yourself. Unbelievable.

There have been occasions when DsS could have caught us "in flagrante", had I have not had bat like hearing.

If you mean having sex then get a bolt for the bedroom door.

As for the rest of it, it's the boy's home and he should be welcome in it at any time.

um, no. As a father you don’t get to tell a 14 year old when they aren’t allowed to be in their own house I’m afraid. Can you imagine that op? Saying to your DCs when they were 14 that they couldn’t come home on Tuesday night for example? I’m sorry you’ve lost your structure but there is absolutely nothing you can do about it other than suck it up.

I’d work on the assumption that he’ll always be there and plan accordingly.

Your DPs home is also his son's home, he should be able to come and go as he chooses. It's completely understandable that he wants to spend time at his dad's if it's nearer to school and his friends. I think you just have to suck it up, he's 14 so only a few more years and he'll be an adult. Until then, his needs come first with your DP. I wouldn't listen to DP moaning about it though - it's called being a parent so not sure what he's got to moan about!

Yabu. Your dp may only have DS 50% of the time officially but he's a father 100% of the time, DPs home is his son's home, and no 14yo should have to pre-schedule when he is allowed to be at home.

What would you do if DsS lived with DP full time? You'd still go out on date nights and he'd leave the teenager with something simple to pop into the airfryer and licence to play as much Playstation as he can do before he gets home. So arrange occasional date nights out anyway, and if DsS turns up you carry on with your plans. Do not make plans on the assumption that he'll be elsewhere as per schedule. Make plans as if he lived with DP full time.

If the relationship with DP wouldn't be tenable if DsS lived with DP full time then the relationship must end. DP's first priority must be his child.

Telling his son he is restricted on when the boy is in his home, to facilitate his sex life would make him a shit parent.
The boyfriend should be putting in effort to actually take you on dates, and shouldn't be whingeing to you.

I think you just go on the assumption that he will or could always be there - just like your own children in your home. I think it's lovely that his children rely on him and it's so important for a teenager (and their friends) to feel welcome in the home. Definitely need to either adjust or end the relationship if that doesn't work (which is fair enough, you're in a different stage - your partner is years away from fully independent children).

Since when is 3 miles "out of area" its a 30min walk ffs.
A 14 year old will want an adhoc arrangement going on anyway and if you interfere with the relationship between father and son expect to lose your relationship with your boyfriend

Can you imagine saying to one of your children when they were 14 years old ‘Sorry, you can’t come home today - maybe see you on Wednesday’ ?

Child comes first.

DPs place is either his sons home, or it isn’t.

It’s not home if it’s only by prior arrangement / agreement.

It might be that some house rules are required for all like announcing yourself when you come through the front door, not bringing visitors in without checking with other residents first.

Normalising you being there and sharing a bed etc. If you and DP want guarenteed child free time then may need to schedule it better. Im assuming you preferred going to his as his only had chikdren part time whereas yours has them full time. His is now the same as yours.

You really expect someone to tell their own teenager that they're not welcome in their home unless it's planned and agreed in advance?
You're being very unreasonable.

He is 14 not 4 and it is his home, not yours. He sees his friends.....and unless he has some learning development delay could be left on his own to occupy himself for a while. So I am not seeing the problem.