AIBU to want more structure around partner’s time with his son?

And not a ‘master stroke’ by the op, who has her 3 adult sons living in the house with her and her dp, while his one 14 year old son isn’t allowed across the threshold without her permission?

What on earth?!

This is a 14 year old in his family home not a 40 year old who gatecrashed a party!
By "get worse" do you mean spending time in his family home that is close to school and friends? That is normal life for every child who lives with both parents! There is absolutely nothing unusual, wrong or pushing 'boundaries' in this situation.

@whoamikidding43

Yes, you are being completely unreasonable. Why isn’t that obvious to you? Especially with 3 adults living at home with you!

That was a master stroke by the mother!

Sadly this will get worse- especially as his social life ramps up

This is why I asked if he comes to her house. I’m assuming he doesn’t because her own children are at home…

Flip it round.

Is what you’ve got in mind something you also expect / would instigate for your children in your house?

It’s perfectly reasonable to be frustrated that the previous very convenient set up you had has changed and basically isn’t available.

It’s not reasonable to make the solution to that restricting a school child’s access to their own home. In order of hierarchy of kids it’s fair to ask to stay away some nights, work down your respective children by age.

So you have 3 actual adult men living in your home which your dp has to accommodate. But his little boy is only allowed home by prior appointment on your say so? It’s interesting how your dp’s adult children of a similar age have managed to fly the nest, while all of yours have failed to launch and are still hanging off your apron strings. Yet of course these grown men (because they’re yours) should come before his child…

Son comes first and I have no doubt that if the situations were reversed you would put your child first

Why can’t DP just be at your house to see you. 14 year old doesn’t need dad to be at home all the time. Problem solved?

My DP and I have hardly any 'adult only' time - have a teen around most of the time as he is hardly ever at his dad's. We are a family unit of our own, and have developed our own little traditions/jokes/things to do together. It has also become easier since he has become a bit more independent. We can leave him at home and go out for a drink. It is all part and parcel of being a parent and dating a parent. It is all a phase in any case.

Let him catch you in flagrante once and I promise he will ring to give notice next time 😅

Seriously though, YANBU to find it a bit frustrating, but this is a suck it up situation. It’s not forever. Could DP stay at yours more on a schedule and let his DS know when he will and won’t be at home? Whether DS is allowed to stay at home alone is a separate matter!

I totally get your frustration. I Like structure, even when it comes to my biological children. They live with me and very rarely do they go to their dads now but on the weekends they do, it is highly frustrating when he drops one off back a day early or at 1300hrs instead of the arranged 1900hrs without even a heads up. I find it rude and disrespectful, but it is what it is kinda just have to suck it up 😜. I have explained to my teens that I have no objection if they wish to come home early but to be respectful that I may have plans therefore the polite thing to do is to double check or at least to give me a heads up x

or saying no occasionally if we have plans

You want a father to tell his son he can't come home because his girlfriend is there and he can't be there when she's there? So he can have sex?

If you're going out, the boy is old enough to be at home alone in his dad's house until his dad gets back.

What you are you saying? Can you see the double standards? You've got THREE adult sons at home and you won't have DP over at yours, so you want this man to turf out his CHILD so you can go to his house?

Surely this can't be real? Surely - SURELY - this isn't what you understand by the word "boundaries"?

Oh. So is everyone celibate from the 1st child being 0 - 18ish? And all children are only children? Because that’s just not true is it?

Your outlook is quite comical for somebody who still has 3 (adullt) children at home. I'm assuming they come and go as they please?

Id imagine your partners house will be the 14year olds primary residence from here on in solely based on location. 14 is a pretty rubbish age to have to move house.

Could you sort the bathroom situation at his house to make it less awkward when you are all there? I've never heard of a traditional terrace with the only bathroom off the main bedroom (kitchen yes) so I can't quite imagine the set up but would it be possible to put a door through from the hall?

I am struggling with what you describe as out of the area

It’s 3 miles.

Not too sure why there is such a big deal made over him getting to and from school or why he needs picking up. Surely he would just get the bus or walk to and from school or your dp at some point during the evening could drive him home or the DS could get home himself.
He is 14 and should be capable of getting himself around and being home alone. Especially at this time of the year.

I apologise for missing the point of the thread completely

Because they sound like responsible people who don’t want to traumatise his son. No matter how quiet you think you’re being, kids can still potentially hear, and there’s nothing more disgusting as a child than hearing your parent shagging.

Do you and your BF sleep over together at your house? If not, why not?

You do have to suck it up, yes. But while the downside of him being older is he can more easily pick and choose when he can turn up which means less of a schedule, the upside is you can leave him at home and go out for dinner just the two of you. Start booking in a ‘date night’ and go to the pub/cinema/for a walk just you two.

14 year old boy is allowed to come and go as he wishes in his own home.

Yup yabu

The bathroom and bedroom issue is what needs sorting, for everyone's privacy. Next time your partner moans about any of this, ask him how he's getting on with adding a second bathroom or adapting the current one so you don't all have to traipse through the main bedroom. That's simply not appropriate for a blended family and if your partner expects to have you stay over, he needs to get cracking on fixing it. I would not be staying over there in the meantime. As everyone else says, you can't expect the son to give notice as if he's booking a hotel room.

It was never about saying “you’re not welcome”.
As far as I am aware, we are all allowed to have boundaries,

When the boundaries are about telling your BF when he should tell his DS he isn’t allowed in his home then it absolutely is a case of ‘you’re not welcome’.
No idea how you seem to be blaming the ex for this either.

We do not have sex when DsS is in the house

Why?

How do other people manage to have sex when they live with children? What happens if DP stays with you?

There is an option to be quiet about it!

You are very welcome to tell him you can't drive him somewhere, but you can't really tell him to 'give warning' about going to his own home.