Being spoken to disrespectfully in front of DHs mum

Possibly because it is the woman the one who will be taking the lion’s share of the responsibility of bringing the children up and possible the one more likely to end up with a bad salary while trying to work and take care of the children related responsibilities most of the time.

Op, if you are paying for mostly everything already… you are already doing the harshest part of being a single parent.

He seems to be a liability and someone who will be tripping you right, left and centre for the foreseeable. You have options, you don’t need to put up with this behaviour. It is much easier to be a single parent than be a single parent with a manchild.

I don’t disagree but nearly always on MN poster insist that men need to pool their money as it’s the only “right” thing, but when the woman is the higher earner she is told to protect herself.

Piece of shit he is. No way to behave. You are not being precious.

Can you do a credit checking on your address? If he’s run up one load of debt I would like to bet there would be others.

Sounds thoroughly unpleasant and I'd be making plans to separate! You and your daughter don't have to put up with that immature behaviour!

You are a family, you have a child together - you are not 2 singles. Put all the wages into 1 joint account and pay each other the same set allowance/pocket money every month for hobbies, manicure or whatever. If he cannot save from his 'pocket money' to do his expensive hobby, after paying off his debts, mortgage, bills, etc. then he can't do it until he finds a proper full-time job that pays more. Simples. Of course unless he is your daughter's main carer, which changes things.

Right!
All that and he can't even contribute to a birthday gift for his own child 🙄.
G

You should want more for yourself but more importantly, your DD @illgo
Please do not let another child grow up thinking this is just how men are, she will just repeat the cycle.

I agree, every day another mumsnet post with another woman tolerating absolute bullshit behaviour from a so-called man. It's depressing.

Get those 'joint' savings moved to your own savings account immediately. They aren't 'joint' savings, they're your savings.

Stop keeping your feelings inside and voice them.

He's being nasty to you because he's angry that you are the bigger earner as well as the 'grown up' in the relationship. He wants you to 'put up & shut up' about money, as he's no intention of trying to earn more himself. He just expects you to make up the shortfall for him to keep him able to do expensive hobby and travel to friends wedding etc.

You're being passive-aggressive because you know that if you start telling him exactly how you feel, you may never stop, and it may well be the end of your marriage.
Somehow you've convinced yourself that keeping your mouth shut and holding in your feelings is a way to keep arguments to a minimum, and 'keep the peace'. But you're unable to stop the odd passive-aggressive comment or to be able to keep your face 'neutral' when you're seething inside.

You need a 'lay your cards on the table' kind of talk with him, being truthful and honest, but holding nothing back. You need to voice your concerns and explain your frustrations, and allow him to do the same.

Hopefully, you can reach a 'plan going forwards' with him to address the issues in your marriage.

Part of that plan, will need to be be a financial agreement.

You pay more monthly expenses than he does, and you keep the same amount of monthly money too, so he has got zero excuse to be permanently skint, other than mis-management of his own money.

You need to have a long talk, with a list of ALL outgoings (His hobby and debt are his own problem though, you won't be paying for that for him!) and ALL incoming wages. Be clear that the savings have been moved to your account due to his irresponsible financial deeds (Debt/hobby etc). You can decide later whether you'd even want to move to a bigger house with him, I suspect not...)

Then you agree who pays what monthly/yearly bills. But be crystal clear that you will NOT be subsidizing him or paying for his stuff again.

Then you simply refuse to bail him out again. He needs to treat money, and his Wife, more respectfully and to accept equal responsibility for financial decisions.

The derogatory way he spoke to you was simply not ok. His Mum knew it, and so did you. There is no justification for speaking to anyone like that, let alone a loved one. If he ever did it again, I'd be clear that that would be the end of the marriage.

He sounds an absolute delight.

Is the hobby Warhammer? Does he sit around playing games 24/7, burying his head in the sand?

Finances should be split equally when you live as equals and love one another.

If the debt was created by him - That's fair enough. So long as you didn't benefit from whatever he bought with it

I wouldn't be buying a house with him. He really does sound rotten. He needs to resolve his issues with therapy and his mother needs to have a stern word with him, if she's already witnessed his behaviour. Sounds like she might be the person you need to turn to...then I would kick him out, or leave. UC will top up your wages and they pay upto 85% childcare fees if you ever needed a minder.

I have said YABU because you both sound like it. It’s both of your money as you are married. So there is no ‘my money his money.’ You sound like you do not like each other. So get a divorce

Why do lots of women marry pr**ks? He sounds ghastly so if you had not gone to the wedding, he would have had to solve transport etc.

Why is he earning so little Op? I earned more than that as an apprentice 8 years ago.

He’s a bit cunty isn’t he. Selfish, nasty, and honestly he can’t afford his hobby.
My first official LTB. Nasty little man

OP does DH have any qualifications? His monthly take home sounds like minimum wage, so although you've discussed changing jobs realistically what types of jobs is he qualified to get?

I wonder if the expensive hobby is his way of elevating his own self worth or trying to keep up with friends who have better paid jobs?

Weddings abroad can be fun but they can also be massively expensive for the guests, as usually there's a few events or meals surrounding wedding that hit the wallets hard. All the ingredients are there for uncontrollable spending if you're not carefully staying on top of it.

The OP is also forking out £500 a month for childcare, which seems to be another expense the weasel is dodging.

So his total contribution to the mortgage, council tax, food, utilities, household expenses,insurance, childcare costs and other incidental joint living costs is £500!

He saw you coming didn’t he, he is in the fortunate position of paying for his hobby and paying off his debts because YOU are heavily subsidising his living costs. If he has a thousand pounds free money available every month he needs to be paying off his debts at a higher rate than £100 a month for a start.

You both sound like you need to work on your communication and boundaries. Not saying something outright about how you feel will come out in different likely passive-aggressive ways.

I would not be buying a bigger house with someone who can’t budget. You are going to be lumped with more expense.

Fine spending money on a hobby if it is ‘spare’ money but why isn’t he saving towards this new house? He has not got ‘spare’ money.

I do find that if someone speaks to you with contempt it is the overspill of an inner contempt. More so after a (paid for by you) trip abroad.

If they look at you like they hate you? Then they do.

He can go back and drink milk at his mammy’s house. Although she will likely be blamed for his predicament and be treated the same as you.

Think on OP.

Don't buy a bigger house with him, he must have a problem with money for example drinking or gambling there's no way he'd run out of money that quick. Stop bailing him out, he gives me the ick having to borrow money etc . He's a man child

This does not meet the definition of a marriage. You aren't in it together. You may be legally tied together but there is no affection

You are enabling the life the three of you live, and he is not only happy to let you but feels he has every right to be aggrieved if you ever get a bit fed up with his behaviour.

You pay £1000 pm on bill and childcare, another £1000 into 'joint' savings.
You also pay for all the groceries, which is probably around another £400 a month.
So you are left with around £600 a month, and he has £1100, all of which he spends on himself and his hobbies. Oh, and servicing his debt.

In what what world is that fair?!

Why are you with him? Not only because of the money issue (although that's a pretty big one), but because of the way he treats you - no respect or consideration. He is a very selfish man.

BTW, drinking out of the milk container is gross and disgusting- bacteria can grow in the milk.

Whether you stay with him or not, I would immediately move the money in the 'joint' savings account into one in your name only. He is clearly unable to manage money, giving him access to more is not sensible.

I would explain to him that he needs to be contributing to the grocery bill, say £200 a month. Then you would both be left with the same amount of disposable income every month.
He can't argue that that is unfair.
(You would still be spending £1200 a month on essentials as opposed to his £700, plus you are saving to improve your family's lifestyle).

I would also say that I would no longer make up the shortfall if he runs out of money. There's absolutely no reason why you should. He's got to learn to live within his means.

But, having said all that, if I were in your position, I would be making plans to separate. I would not want to live with a selfish man who had no respect for me, and who indulged his hobbies but would not contribute anything to improving his daughter's lifestyle.

You said he looked at you like he hated you - that was the mask slipping, OP.
Time to move on.