Being spoken to disrespectfully in front of DHs mum

I suppose we are all guided to some extent by our own experience. I’m not in a high level position but I have some flexibility as does my DH. Most offices workers I know do regardless of level.

I find the assumptions when it comes to men & women on MNs a bit extreme.

I live near a woman who as well as not being an ideal neighbour screams at her kids day & night. She gave up work the second she got married because she simply didn’t want to work. Those women exist as well as v dedicated SAHMs. I also know several women who married men with v high salaries & happily gave up work and have nannies etc.

It’s not the one size fits all that I find on MNs.

He was horrendous at at the wedding, sulking and not speaking at all with me, but to others
Why was he like this to you? I think this and his behaviour towards you is the issue here, and not how he spoke to you in front of his mum.
I would probably keep on saving the amount you have been, but with a mind to use it for your own place with your dd, separate to him. I would not stay with someone who made it clear they didn't like me. Your partner, whether you're married to them or not, should be your supporter and friend. I don't think you wouldn't stay friends with someone who behaved this way

He obviously thinks you’re desperate so he can treat you like shit. 💐

You are treating him very well financially - your 1k per month also goes on food shops, so essentially he has £1.1k per month to spend as he wishes and you have less than £1k?
What about things other than food shops, who pays for DDs clothes etc?
How often do you bail him out?

If he is spending more than £1.1k per month on repaying his debts and on his hobbies, how does he expect to be able to afford a larger mortgage together?

He sounds pretty awful. Some say you are passive aggressive because of the milk, I can see why you said it that way in front of his mum. But I do think you need to be more direct with him in general. Are you going to have a conversation about finances and him paying you back for the holiday spends?

If this isn't one off behaviour, I think he is likely very resentful of you. Do you think he actually likes you? What are his redeeming qualities?

I’m sorry, OP. He had no right to speak to you in that way. Or to sulk and treat you badly at the wedding. Or to expect you to pay most of the family expenses for him. I’d have said exactly the same to my H if he’d done something so childish as drinking the milk that was intended for everyone to share straight from the bottle. You’ve done nothing wrong. He’s a pig. You deserve better. 💐

No, not relevant to the present case but just answering to your post. I thought the same as you and then after divorce, people started opening more to me about their struggles and shelved dreams and that was when I realised that although many mums work, it is the husband’s career that takes over as they are no longer able to fly out to conferences, able to commute to better jobs away as they need to be back in time to pick up children from wraparound care, or need to take on more flexible junior jobs that allow them to work from home when a child is ill or even taking little Johnny to regular orthodontist appointments for a year. Of course there are women on high level positions that can have great salaries and flexibility, but for everyone of those you have lots of other women who are not in such position.

I don’t personally know many couples where the woman put work on hold to raise kids. One person out of over 100 I work with did, she’s married to a high earning doctor and was one of the lowest performers in my workplace both before and after kids. And also seemed to be a moany parent who had her own parents helping hugely.

Everyone else took maternity leave, children went into childcare and they went back to work.

Im absolutely not saying that women never give up anything to have kids but it’s far from nearly every case.

You could have two working parents both 5 days, when the man just happens to earn more than the woman and the woman will nearly always be told on MNs that of course money should be pooled. The extra effort he went to to earn that money - qualifications, more responsibility is hardly every considered in detail. We just default to he needs her to do it, even though he may well do just as much as her at home.

Not hugely relevant to the present case unless you take the point that he ran out of money as a standalone point because that wouldn’t be tolerated on MN if he was a woman.

He's a selfish loser that hasn't an ounce of respect for himself or you.
It's your child I feel sorry for, being around such a father, who clearly doesn't like their mother.

I always feel a bot sorry for ops when people ask this though.

Sometimes we just love people. It isn't always an equation that can be balanced.

Obviously where there is violence or extreme emotional abuse, we all need to wake up to it.

But sometimes people do just love someone they know is a bit of a twat in some ways.

ETA I guess she's hoping he sorts himself financially - and I have been encouraging her to feel she can, and should, address this head-on. Sometimes we tiptoe round an issue because we know it is a touchy one, but when it starts leaking its poison out into other topics and interactions, I think it is time to hit it head on. OP, the behaviour at the wedding is an excellent basis to raise where things are at financially. I'd ask him if he ignored you there because he felt guilty/embarrassed. He might have not realised why he was avoiding you - or he might admit to something quite other, which you might as well get to the bottom of.

Fuck that. Divorce the loser and go live your life without him weighing you down.

Full apology- sit down with the finances and work out why he never has any money- otherwise i'd be skipping to a good divorce lawyer.

Never mind who is present: he should never speak to you like that if you are alone either. You need to set a firm boundary. If he wants to stay in your relationship, he has to speak to you respectfully, and he has to work on his financial management. You need to be willing to walk away if he can’t be the partner you deserve.

If you can’t do that for your own wellbeing, imagine the impact on your DD if she hears him speaking like that and thinks that’s what she should accept.

Op you don’t seem to be answering the most obvious questions - what do you see in him, why are you together and why do you remain together? Nothing you have said indicates he has any redeeming qualities.

It is in the vast majority of the cases as it is more often the women that slow or put work in pause while raising the family, effectively allowing the man to progress their career for the benefit of the family.

if the roles are reversed, we should be telling the man to protect himself but I see why men taking the lions share of raising the children are often put into impossible situations as there is an expectation to favour the mother even if she is the higher earner and her responsibilities at home much less than the dad’s.

I meant quite the opposite: don't walk on eggshells, hit the real issue head on.

She paid for his trip to the wedding then he rudely ignored her there.

That's a far bigger issue than drinking from the milk bottle, and, given she started the OP with that financial background, I think OP knows that is the real issue too. She's entitled to address it directly, not seek to leak out her frustration on smaller topics. To me, that IS walking on eggshells.

Some of the time yes, but that’s not always the case.

Do a proper budget. work out proportinate monthly contributions from each of you taking into account everything including child's shoes, clothes, clubs, bills , food. Factor in an extra 100 or 200 for emergencies. Set up a joint account into which you each pay the agreed amount each month on the first. Make that savings account yours not joint don't feel you have to put anything in it. Whats left over you each have to spend, if he has less thats his problem and will have to work more if he wants more.

Well that was gross and off putting for anyone else who wanted milk. He’s gobbed in it. Selfish man

So she needs to walk on eggshells and put up with him being a gross pig.

What on earth are you talking about?

I am saying the milk comment should never have happened in the first place: none of that would be an issue.

Of course she shouldn't stifle her needs, but actually that was essentially what she was doing: making a quip about the milk because she wasn't raising the real issue which was him disrespecting her at the wedding.

ETA that is actually quite a common response in people who ARE suppressing their needs and feelings. They sort of leak out their frustration on smaller issues because they don't want to tackle the big issue. I am telling her she shouldn't feel she cannot tackle what really needs tackling, so not suggesting she suppress her needs at all (or the dd's cereal needs, whatever that was about ...). She should feel she can speak out and address actual issues, not take sideswipes via minor issues as an outlet.

So OP should stiffle her needs to not be abused in response...right, right

If their daughter wanted a bowl of cereal ...she should just learn Daddy's needs come first without protest...Okaay 🙄

Unfortunately, the OP has already told us that her H doesn't save a penny always runs out of money before the month ends.

She has also told us that he just spends on his expensive hobby, to the detriment of the whole family.

She has also said that he has current debts and has zero interest in trying to earn more.

These are the reasons I recommended she move the money that she has managed to save towards a new home in the future.

If your H/partner is financially selfish and irresponsible, then having 'joint' savings etc is simply stupid, regardless of which sex you/they are?

This

You'd be vastly better off away from someone who despises you OP...his friends wedding and let's you go there and pay his way 🤦‍♀️ then is sulky abd aggressive. The CF ...free your life, choose to be happy and in control

This is a situation where the milk incident is carrying all the blame for a totally different issue.

He is bad with money, you feel not unreasonably irritated by this, he knows you do/must feel fed up with it, and he feels small about it deep down, which is why he was short with you and avoiding you at the wedding, He feels humiliated. He couldn't even help provide the gifts for his DD. I'm not defending him, just saying how he must feel deep down.

I don't know why you made the milk comment tbh.

There are issues in your marriage you could feel aggrieved about with reason, but that WAS a bit disloyal in front of his mum and did come across as a comment on him being uncouth, which, when he is already feeling financially useless, being made to feel uncouth on top of that isn't going to improve things. It was only milk which would have been finished and the bottle thrown away within days if not hours: did it really matter?

But, then, of course, it WASN'T only milk: it was the whole financial situation at the back of this.

So he has issues he does need to get on top of, but you aren't helping with passive aggressive swipes at him to alleviate your annoyance.

It would have been far better to not mention the milk, to wait till the DM had left than said something like "I feel I have been supportive with the funding of the wedding trip, so am annoyed you ignored me there." Deal with the real issue, rather than making more.

Well for a start I would stop putting 1k into a joint account and put it into an account in your name. He sounds an absolute selfish knob.