To struggle so much with my kids playing

Playing is learning and so essential for children.
Close the doors to some rooms.
Limit the number of toys like puzzles and lego out at once.
Tidy up just twice a day, with child.
Try leaving toys in zones - sand toys in sandpit, paper and crayons on table. etc and some never packed away.

Introduce some simple rules and storage

i have a 5 and 3yo and felt really similarly, plus it drove me mad when things weren’t where I could find them!
we have a kallax and a set of boxes (scattered in various cupboards!) they can have one box at a time. Everything goes back in before they move on.

they do a lot of the tidying, because it’s straightforwardly chucking stuff back in. I help with more complicated things like bitty games etc, but I also usually play those with them. I do also sometimes remind myself this stage won’t last long and the huge boxes will probably be replaced by LEGO and computer games!!

we also have a box on each floor by the stairs with stuff that needs to go up/down so out of place stuff goes in there and gets sorted by me usually every couple of days

I think the only real difference is they are consistent and you aren’t.
They aren’t going to learn to tidy up after themselves if sometimes you tell them to tidy and the rest of they time it seems one you just let them scatter Lego everywhere and have playdoh all over the place making a mess.

It’s very easy for them to do, even a 2 year old is more than capable of getting their shoes every day and putting toys away in a container of some sort. Young children actually enjoy being independent and doing grown up things.

If you actually just focus on consistency and a positive attitude they will pick it up in no time. You’re still going to be the one to lead and talk them it’s tidy up time, no one’s saying a 3 year old will be just put it away after themselves unprompted but a 3 and 6 year old should not be crying when you ask them to tidy up their toys.

If they ask to do a supported play - e.g a game, play dough, want us to help build towers.
We always say we have to put away the previous toy / game first.
Which helps limit the mess and they are more keen to help tidy up because they want the next thing.

I would always try to do with them, despite it really being me tidying it all up and them putting the odd thing in - as they seem to have a meltdown if I just direct them to tidy up.

Same age for reference!

I feel like I had to make a choice - put in the hard work now to get DD used to tidying up and be consistent with it (and that then continues into chores/cooking etc as she gets older), or do it all myself. I think in the long run it's more effort to do it all myself!

It might take a bit more helicoptering from you to start with to make new habits - watch them playing and catch them as they move on and tell them to put the last thing away first. Or build in an extra 10-15 minutes before mealtimes/ leaving the house to enforce tidying beforehand. But it does require effort or planning either way!

At that age things like play dough and paint and pens need to be put away and only come out at a table with adult supervision.

The rest - make sure each type of toy has a home.

You tube has a load of tidy up songs. It’s quite fun for them to see if they can out it all back before the song ends. Even more motivating if there’s a prize.

The more they get out the less they succeed and less they are likely to win.

So they naturally start to create less mess.

I think the main difference is that at nursery they have much higher expectations of what toddlers are capable of. I've seriously adjusted mine since seeing what my 2yo can do at nursery.

I think as parents we naturally baby our children because we knew them as babies pretty recently.

A 5, nearly 6yo is very capable of tidying the whole living room if you make it fun and/or worth their while. My dd of that age recently did it when the alternative was doing some cursive homework! She entirely reorganised the crafts cupboard as a way of procrastinating.

But also as I said above, there needs to be an obvious place for everything which is not easy if the house is cluttered (as mine is). Even for an adult that's generally the main obstacle to tidying.

At nursery we have a saying “choose it, use it, put it away” the kids know that if they want to get something different out then they need to put away what they’ve been playing with. There are times when nursery looks like a bombs hit it at tidy up time but we put a song on I usually use the mission impossible timer as they like the music and set it to repeat and we keep going till nursery is tidy!

We used to tidy up together by putting different toys in different boxes according to type. All the “people “ figures got lined up across the mantel piece, and that very often inspired a new game. Fond memories now.

Until you get there OP, a clean dustpan and brush is great for picking up Lego 😄

Playdough along with kinetic sand are the stuff of the devil 👿.
This where a tray is useful . And when you leave it put a layer of clingfilm on it .

IMO Lego and play doh shouldn’t be free for all toys with young children. They sit and play with Lego at the table or on the rug and it goes away as soon as they’re done.
I also wouldn’t be allowing a 6 year old to cry when she’s asked to tidy up, the toys she refuses to tidy get put away and she doesn’t get to play with them for a day or 2 in that case.

I have a 4yo and this is what works here:
A cube storage unit with 6 boxes in and they’re all for a specific thing (one for all kitchen play food/pots, one for hot wheel cars, one for action figures etc). Easy enough for LO to know where to put things and he can throw them in easily.
Tidying is a game - I bet I can put away the cars faster than you/do you think you can put all that away before I count to 10 etc
Natural consequence of losing bits to something because he wouldn’t help tidy it up.
Craft box that he can’t reach that contains any paint/sand/play dough sets (also contains a little apron) and we get it down together but once we’ve finished, we put it away before he does anything else.

I also accept that sometimes, the house needs to be a mess and sometimes I’m wasting time doing a tidy up when he’s asleep.
Oh and if you have a partner, let the kids see him tidy up too.

A 2 year old definitely has the capability to get it, play one of the various tidy up songs and both put things in a big basket. Putting things into the basket becomes the game and the playing.

@DeedlessIndeed I'd say 2 is a bit young tbh. Keep trying but I think 3yo is more realistic.

I have playdoh as a (semi) supervised thing - I pop in and out when it's in use to make sure its over a hard floor and not carpet, lids are put back on etc. DD(6) has to put it away before she can do something else and I put it somewhere where I have to reach it. We've had playdoh that has lasted years because she knows the lids must go on.

It's all about habits and routines - if they're used to tidying they'll do it (possibly with a bit of moaning but nothing's perfect!) We tidy up stuff before meals/ leaving the house unless she wants to carry on with something specific later. You have to enforce this but it's short term pain for long term gain! Have lots of easy storage for kids to use so that everywhere has a place (or near enough!) Nothing I do is rocket science but DH and I are both consistent with it and we'll help her but not do it for her.

Can I ask a stupid question (sorry to derail OP).

But at what age did people start teaching their children to tidy up after themselves. And how does that look when they are very young?

I have tried a lot with my 2 year old, but she does not get it. As soon as you try to tidy up something, she wants to immediately play with it (despite it being on the floor for hours, untouched, tripped over and trod on).

Sorry I can't be any help OP - I feel the same frustrations, especially at being ignored.

In hindsight we had too many toys that the DCs didn't care that much for and were just clutter that joined the melée (not helped by being the youngest in several directions of the family so ending up with hand-me-downs that they just weren't fussed about.)

My other big clutter zone was party presents.

Decluttering and focusing on what they really like helps. The things that my two specifically wanted for birthdays/ Christmas tended to be more managable, and better fun: clutter ratio.

I did manage to keep messy things lile dough and paint zoned. They were out of reach and only used in the kitchen.

Mine were Lego fans and the best system for me was a trunk to sling it in and a builders tray to contain the majority. We then have a Really Useful drawer stack to sort little bits in occasionally for sorting by type, but not too overwhelming for daily use.

3 & 5/6 is about the peak of it. Their interests are different and still in lots of little pieces that spread and have low attention span to deal with the aftermath.

I struggle with tidy as you go and building routines unsupported by external factors and my DCs are ND. One did like a tidying up song, but the other hates things like that, but they work well for many children. A few timed short bursts through the day to break the back of it does make a difference which I'm finally getting the hang of in my 40s

In early years in school (where there are a lot of loose parts) we have specific times in the day (before lunch/ before afternoon play etc) where we get everyone to stop (using a bell or hands on head looking at the teacher or using jingles) and then get them to sit down and give specific instructions- xxx, you tidy the things off the floor into this basket, yyy, you are putting the Lego away etc.
Does everyone tidy, every time? No. Are there people still playing when others are tidying? Yes. These people then need to do some tidying when everyone else is sitting and having snack. Do some refuse to pick anything up at all? Sometimes. With them we try to use humor, or challenge ‘I bet I can pick up 5 things faster than you..’. Do they still refuse? Sometimes. Then we tell them they need to pick up at least 3 things and then they can go do something else and stay by them while they do it. Sometimes they don’t know where things go, sometimes they find it overwhelming. I will tidy alongside (you do this (small pile, I will do that (larger pile).
Routine and consistency are key - stick to your guns! It really will help you in the long run. (Mind you, my teen is currently wading through a large ‘floor drobe’ 🤦‍♀️)
Sometimes using the same song during tidying up can help, and doing something nice after - story / jumping game - whatever. Oh yeah, we also don’t allow ‘making soup’ type of play where they empty out all the bins of every kind of construction toy into one place. 😱

Chill out and tidy once at the end of the day is what we do. They tidy most with direction and we do bits alongside them to make it a bit quicker.

While it is hard to see the mess , it's also a case of lowering your standards . Or you will drive yourself crazy . Unless you have a designated playroom that you can close the door on you need to include their things in your house . And it is a case of taking the time to teach them . Tidy up is too random for them but Put the Lego in their box is obvious. Things with small parts I used a tray underneath from IKEA . Different colours for different things like cars or figures .

If it's any consolation the toys do get smaller but more expensive!