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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel undermined by my mother-in-law over the children?

107 replies

Cherrytree696 · 16/08/2026 22:48

I would really love advice/insight from mothers in law (particularly those who have sons married to daughters).

I often feel like my mother in law goes out of her way to go against my wishes. I express them and they seem to be clear but then she goes against them. For example, I had wanted to buy my son a bike for his birthday and told her this but then she bought him the bike and gave it to him before his birthday. More recently, my daughter was told she wasn't allowed cake after dinner because it was too close to bedtime but my mother in law said "grandmas rules" and gave her a piece anyway.

My husband falls out with her and tells her no all the time. To be honest I try to stay out of it because I'm a people pleaser and I grit my teeth a lot. I also know that if I say something then it will cause a fall out and it's not my family to fall out with.

I feel really lost as to what to do. I've started to pull away and only let my husband take the kids but that makes me sad. We used to have a really good relationship but I would say it went downhill after we got engaged and I wanted a small low key wedding (we were paying so we kept it small- no money was offered from either my parents or his).

Am I being unreasonable to worry about this? Be sad about this? Be angry about this? I'm currently crying as I right this but it's just so draining!

Thanks!

OP posts:
IdaGlossop · 16/08/2026 23:53

Based on my experience with my very difficult MiL:

start with the principle that you want your daughter to have a positive relationship with her grandmother, no matter what you think of her (I managed to be super-polite with mine even when she was being a pain eg unfairly raging at my BiL in front of her whole family at our house)

differentiate between the things that MiL does eg cake at MiL's house and Sylvan families not worth losing sleep over, giving DD a bike to get one over on you is and has to be addressed directly (mine gave DD a pair of pink princess-adorned polyester pyjamas so garish and tacky they made me want to wear a Hazmat suit and goggles but when she cut off her first great grandchild because of a row with her own daughter, DD had to step in because I refused to go round to see her and she called me a c*unt in front of DH and DD14)

agree with DH whether you will address things with your MiL directly or whether your DH will unfailingly be your champion (we did the second - see above )

Grit your teeth because we have our MiLs for the longhaul!

TheyGrewUp · 16/08/2026 23:43

Hmm. I'm a MIL and have a DIL and a baby GD whom I haven't yet met because they are thousands of miles away.

To summarise you are upset because your MIL bought her GS a bicycle (you were planning to), gave your dd a piece of cake too close to bedtime and let her have a small toy before her birthday.

I wouldn't do those things but I don't think they're hills to die on. "Ooh come on Johnny, lets get you those snazzy trainers and flashing toy you want, because Grandma bought you the bike." Providing teeth were brushed after the cake, it isn't a big issue snd the Sylvanian Toy - well, it won't harm.

Your MIL is doing kind and generous things. If she were letting the DC run about naked, left them dirty, shouted at them or, heaven forbid, gave them a tap, I think you'd have cause for complaint.

MissFancyDay · 16/08/2026 23:32

Yes, I sympathise. My MIL was obsessed with doing all the "firsts", first shoes, first panto, first visit to father Christmas the list was never ending. Then it was "if mummy and daddy say no just ask me".

She undermined everything and damaged our relationship. We have never been close as a result.

I have no advice other than stick to your guns and just don't tell her stuff. What a shame.

Original poster
Cherrytree696 · 16/08/2026 23:30

Cherrysoup · 16/08/2026 23:24

Have you had a conversation with her? I think setting out expectations would be really useful and ether your boundaries, eg if you say no cake, there’s no going against that. If you mention buying a bike, that’s for you to do, not her.

The bike one I let go. The cake one I spoke to her about but I got "no at Grandma's house it's grandmas rules". My husband took over that conversation and she got upset with him about it. I could give other examples of this kind of thing and they just sound really silly for instance she bought my daughter a Sylvanian family toy and didn't ask us if she could give her it (it was actually meant to be for her birthday but she let her open and play with it early). I know this isn't q big deal to a lot of people but my husband and I would just rather be asked before our kids are given things. It's maybe an odd preference but my mum and dad do it without a problem so I suppose I don't understand why it's a problem with them.

OP posts:
Liverpoolxxx · 16/08/2026 23:27

When she asks what you’re buying lie and tell her what you want her to buy.

Cherrysoup · 16/08/2026 23:24

Have you had a conversation with her? I think setting out expectations would be really useful and ether your boundaries, eg if you say no cake, there’s no going against that. If you mention buying a bike, that’s for you to do, not her.

Ilmiocompleanno · 16/08/2026 23:07

This would really wind me up. The bike incident was very obvious point scoring. In future I would avoid discussing plans for the DCs' presents with MIL and would ask your DH to do the same. If you live locally and don't have to stay at MIL's, I would let your DH take the DC to see her and try to avoid seeing her as much as possible.

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