AIBU to feel undermined by my mother-in-law over the children?

My MIL was often a total bitch to me. Like you I would say I'm naturally a "people pleaser" so I never challenged her and endured 15 years of abuse from her.

But times have changed!

Now I'm retired and I really admire the way young women establish their clear boundaries.
You don't have to take her shit love. Challenge every single incident where she undermines you. Tell your partner that from now on you will be standing up to her and that you expect his support. You hold all the power, you just need to believe that.

As a MIL to two DILs with ten grandchildren I wouldn't do any of this without asking first but would suggest you pick your fights carefully as its easy to become a bit fixated and constant conflict is tiring.
She is point scoring and it doesn't seem she has accepted she needs to relinquish control over her children in many ways. Or could it be that she thinks you mention what you want to buy because you can't really afford it and thinks you're hinting?

My MIL gave my vegetarian child meat. He’d never eaten it before and I’d left him with her for an hour whilst I got a haircut and I’d left a meal for him to eat but she decided to give him something different. The result was she never had him alone without us for the next five years.

My kid learnt to be very scared of grandma's cake God Bless her. Both burnt and raw in places.

Grandma's house, Grandma's rules?

Fine, then they don't go to Grandma's house.

This is a perfect example of the three do's (only for boundary stomping arseholes).

Do you love your grandchild(ren)?
Do you want a relationship with them?
Do what you're fucking told.

Buying a present such as a bike when you know that your grandchild's parents are planning to buy one and presenting it to the child first is a complete dick move. It's certainly not being kind or generous. It's serious one-upmanship from someone who had her time with her own children when she could buy the presents that they wanted.

She is deliberately going against OP's and her own son's wishes.

I always ask my grandchildren's parents what my grandaughters would like for birthday/Christmas. If I knew that they were buying a special present like a bike, I wouldn't dream of steaming in and buying it first. She sounds like a complete dickhead.

Your summary is in my opinion wrong

Op is (in my view rightfully) upset because

MIl bought a bike after being told this was what mum and dad were giving to their child Aka Mil tried to take a first away from the parents.

MIL undermined mum after mum had said no more cake/no garden. MiL needs to adhere to the rules said by mum and dad not make up grandma rules.

You dont know about the "no harm" some children struggle with food to close to bedtime.

Personally I don't get the no present rule however if my DIL and Son or Daughter and SIL brought in this rule for their children I would abide by it. I recall my own grandma always (carefully out of sight of child) checked if she could give X before she handed it over (with her it was very small items as she was far from wealthy)

As a grandparents its our jobs to support our adult children in how they raise their children even if we dont fully agree. If mum and dad says no grandma needs to back that up. By all means later ask "talk me through why X is an issue so I understand it for next time" but only time grandma's rules kick in is when the children are left on grandmas sole care and there is no instruction to not give cake/go outside/not give gifts

Anything different is undermining even if I lt is done "with love"

@Cherrytree696 if you enjoy skits you may enjoy. Callmekristenmarie Who does skits a about difficult MIL and how this effects the entire family.

I’m a MIL. Compared to some mums, I think I’m very lucky with my DDIL. The DGC are teens now, but I’ve never bought a ‘big’ present without discussing it first. That just makes sense to us. She doesn’t sweat the small stuff re the DGC. Pretty much the same relationship with DD and her DC. I wouldn’t override what parents say, they have the responsibility, as DGPs, we get the fun!

With they Sylvanian random gifting, the thing is, when you have little kids and people are very sweet and generous it can end up with the child wanting stuff all the time or being upset when they see Grandma and there is no gift. This isn’t good for the kids and makes an extra hard job for parents trying to raise children who aren’t spoiled.

I am a MIL. My MIL chose to ignore our dcs whilst going ott for her other dgc, whereas my DM was similar to your MIL, deliberately undermining us with regards to gifts, food etc. She also rushed out and bought a bike for dc1 when I said we were going to buy one for their birthday. So I understand something of how you feel. As a GM myself, we never set out to undermine DS and DIL. We always ask about birthday and Christmas gifts - either for ideas or, if we have an idea, we check it's ok. Food is perhaps a bit different as we look after the children up to 5 days a week depending on their parents shifts, so we often give them breakfast, lunch and dinner. We know what they are and are not allowed and although we do give them treats, that's always after checking with d DS or DIL. Because the dgc are here so often, we have a stock of toys and books for them. If I buy something for them to keep here, I give it to them when I choose. If the item is going home with them, I check first. We are lucky that DS and DIL are very relaxed and trust us not to do anything that would be harmful or to go against their wishes, but equally, they don't give us a huge list of rules so it's easy to be firm about the rules they do have. At home, the dgc don't have sweets, but we and DIL parents do give them the occasional treat with DS and DIL blessing as long as we avoid certain things.

As far as your MIL is concerned, you and DH need to decide what rules are absolute and which ones can be relaxed a little at MILs house. Sadly, you will need to be clear with MIL that ignoring you will result in fewer visits. And do not tell her what you are buying your DC for birthday/Christmas - give her a list of ideas that she can choose from.

It's not just a piece of cake though, it's deliberately undermining the parents in front of them. If she rolled out that tripe about "Grandma's rules at Grandma's house" then I'd say "Oh well, guess we'll be spending much less time at Grandma's house then" and stick to it.

YANBU, but when my MIL did this I decided to just let her spend her money (on first shoes, school shoes etc) and use the money I saved on other stuff.

I found it more upsetting that whilst she did all this for my first son, the second son got totally forgotten about.

With the Sylvanian animal, I was a little curious why the MIL needs to ask permission for a gift—that felt a bit restrictive to me, and I found myself leaning toward her side on that specific point.

As for the cake, I totally see where you are coming from and why it is frustrating, but I’m just not sure it’s worth a huge battle. At the end of the day, your DD still gets to enjoy a nice piece of cake at Grandma's.

That bike situation, though? Totally agree with you there. That definitely feels like oneupmanship, and I would be really upset by that, too.

If DH were the first person to say no to cake or going into the garden would she still undermine and say Grandma’s rules?

My MIL was a bit like this to start with, she would look straight at me whilst going against something I had asked. Unfortunately the main thing she had an issue with was she didn’t believe DC had a dairy allergy (couldn’t believe a young child could have that) so we couldn’t leave them with her just in case she tried to give him dairy in some form. And had to watch her like a hawk.

Luckily, she did stop this behaviour but there were some harsh words said to her by her adult DC. And also luckily DC grew out of the allergy, which MIL said proved he never had it in the first place! Funnily enough when her friend’s grandchild developed milk allergy MIL suddenly became the fount of all knowledge on it.

I would say though it isn’t just MILs who can act like this, some parents can go weird when they become grandparents and find the change from being parent to grandparent hard

You could consider making it awkward for her instead.

”oh! Great bike. Dd has asked for one for her birthday, but let’s keep this one at your house”.

”No, I’m afraid it’s mummy and daddy’s rules wherever we are. How about we wrap the cake up and you can eat it at home tomorrow?”

My own parents are awful with gifts, until I had to have a very frank discussion about it.

My MIL is similar with the food - actually, my kids will sleep badly if they have cake before bed, so it’s not just ‘brush their teeth and no harm done’

Keep making your rules, and ask your DH to keep presenting a united front

The bike situation is definantly undermining.

The sylvanian animal could just be seen as a gift. Why did she need your permission to give it?

With going out in the mud, why did you not speak up and reinforce your rules?

I think you need to stop being passive and start reinforcing your boundaries. Speak up and pick your battles. Cake - don’t worry. Mud - speak up. Etc

I would reduce visits to see her.

I don't think she is being a kind grandmother at all. She is deliberately going against the OPs wishes. If they said they were buying a bike, then the grandmother could have said oh would you like me to buy a helmet to go with it?
The cake issue while small, just adds to the other issues like the garden. There are simple ways around it - if mum says no to the cake, then granny could suggest well I will cut you a piece to take home for tomorrow. The same with the muddy garden, next time hopefully it will be dry and you can play outside then.

To me she sounds spiteful and is doing it to try and get the grandchildren to favour her and present mum as the bad guy.

Try talking with her. They are your children. If it continues then cut all contact. Your life will be so much calmer.

I couldn't get worked up about a slice of cake, sorry but I think that's very petty.

The bike... perhaps she thought she was being kind by buying something expensive and taking the pressure off. This one is annoying but not worth falling out over.

I am sorry you haven't seen you GC, but I don't think the MIL is being kind and generous if she is consistently going against OPs and DHs wishes and undermining them in front of the GC.

She sounds to me like either she is trying to be top dog, or perhaps she wore the trousers in the home when DH was growing up and she is blurring the boundaries, which are different when you are a GM, not a DM.

OP - from this point forward, stop telling her your plans for birthdays or other big events.

Some of the smaller things you might need to let go - or change the way you deal with them. If you know that she will give cake after you have said "no" anyway, then try to avoid saying no. Say "yes" and avoid the confrontation, remove the opportunity for her to override you. Or avoid visiting at mealtimes.

It sounds like DH is irritated too, so at least you can discuss different ways of dealing with it with him.

I'm a mil and learnt a lot from my lovely mil. I never criticise, offer an opinion unless asked, and never ever ignore my dil's instructions. That said...if I was out with the gc I would treat them to things without double-checking first - things I knew were acceptable - trainers, etc. I think you could accept granny's rules at her house (the odd bit of cake seems OK to me) but I would stand up to her on the other stuff. She needs to accept certain boundaries but I like to be a fun granny and perhaps she is the same?

I disagree, the MIL isn’t doing kind and generous things, she’s purposely undermining her daughter in law. How infuriating to be excited to buy your child their first bike, and granny swoops in to buy it - knowing full well that was the plan. It’s unbelievably rude and she knew full well what she was doing

@TheyGrewUp And you’re clearly the type of MIL that op is talking about. No regard for anyone else’s feelings.

Before your husbands next Birthday, start saying ‘ I am going to buy him a Rolex Daytona, or a Campervan, or a Porsche 911’.
She will soon get the message….