AIBU to feel undermined by my mother-in-law over the children?

YANBU, the bike thing would upset me.
My friends MIL bought her son a dog without asking her. So the MIL gets to look the hero, friend has to do all the work looking after it.

What rubbish!

OP take no notice of this. Your MIL is deliberately undermining you. It's a power play. Presumably the cake roll is to do with the child’s health and healthy eating habits. Absolutely wrong to brush her teeth after a sugary snack as well.

As a Mum to 5DC,3 DS and 2DD a MIL to 2 Daughters(we treat them as our Daughters)and a Grandmother to 2 and our Grandaughter is from 1 of our sons and 1 of our DILs your MIL is really out of order,especially buying the bike when you told her you were buying one is Just pure spiteful.

I have never tried to over rule my DIL and I never would she's my DGD Mum and what she says goes.I love my GC dearly but I also really love my DILs and I want them to know I'm on their side.

I voted that you are unreasonable because your conflict averse approach is actually contributing to this. Your husband is being firm with her and you are biting your tongue. Don't stay out of it. Stop being a people pleaser. Back your hhusband up so you both present a united front and maybe she'll start taking you seriously. Dont leave your husband to be the bad guy - this is getting under your skin too and undermining you as a parent so push back!! If you cant find a backbone or a voice for your children, then when will you?? What will it take - how much more disrespectful will she need to get for you to take action? Because I can guarantee you that this behaviour will escalate and your boundaries will be bulldozed bit by bit.

I actually think what's happening here is that you're BOTH trying to lay down the law and actually, there's a middle ground that should be happening for both of you but, for whatever reason, you're now in a cycle of actively going against each other.

So, for example, the bike one is infuriating and that has understandably got your back up. But then you're going too hard on others - eg the cake thing is annoying but frankly, grandparents have been spoiling grandchildren since the concept started so it's not worth arguing over. But at the same time, if you don' twant them going outside and getting muddy just before you leave, that IS a perfectly legitimate request. But getting in a mood because she gave your child something without asking you seems very petty.

I am actually not sure how to deal with this. If she is a reasonable person, you could perhaps sit down and agree what the line is and where to compromise?

Sounds very stressful but at least your husband agrees with you. From experience with my MIL I learned to bite my tongue as she didn’t pick up on hints and I wasn’t good at confrontation. We moved to my DH visiting her with dc and when she came to us at Christmas I managed just to ignore things. She had wanted to do their stockings and we said that was for us so she would arrive with a Christmas Eve box which always felt like she had to be first (and which was full of plastic tat).
I learned enough from this to guide my behaviour as a grandmother, yes Grandma spoils them a bit but I follow my daughter’s rules on food, on routines, on presents. I clear things I propose to buy with the parents.

If you read my post, you will see that I clearly stated that I would not do any of those things. There is no need, therefore, to cast aspersions, that my DIL must be glad she's thousands of miles away.

But it isn't really about the items that were bought.. it's about blatantly disregarding the parents' wishes and doing the opposite. That's disrespectful, who does that??

Whenever we’ve bought our kids bikes, we’ve gone to Halfords or similar so they could try out different sizes, seat types etc and benefit from the advice of the staff. Our kids really enjoy being part of the decision making and have gone on to really appreciate their bikes.

I would be really annoyed at a bike just being handed over to the kids, even if you hadn’t planned to buy one. That’s too big a purchase (in terms of size and price) for someone who doesn’t live with your kids to take the lead on!

I imagine your DIL is thanking her lucky stars you are thousands of miles away. You do not undermine parents. It’s not being “kind”, it’s point scoring.

This is a boundaries issue and your MIL refusing to see you and your DH as the adults.

Did MIL do these things with your husband as a child? Very unlikely. Did she experience them from her MIL? I suspect not otherwise she would realise how disrespectful and hurtful it is.

Of course it’s nice to be the fun one who says yes instead of no but when the parents have specifically said no then she should respect that. At least your DH is the one standing up to her here but sounds like he might also need to up his game in terms of pushback. He’s handling it so leave this to him and support him.

Oh god I had a similar conversation with friends this morning. My MIL is lovely but can be a bit much! Has never undermined me like that though...I would be so angry! Grandma rules....no that's just being rude.
Having involvement with parents and PIL really makes you realise how different people's parenting is. My MIL calls me strict as I have a strict bed time and dont like the TV on all the time (I save it for "emergencies" like when im cooking dinner and kids are all tired and grumpy haha). It can really wind you up sometimes!
But the thing with the bike....that was totally uncalled for.

I mean I can get that it can be a bit disorientating to go from being the primary woman in your son’s life to being a distant second or third or fourth…

But sensible MIL learn that is their issue to deal with and not try to pull rank. I know my mom would indicate to me quietly that it was a bit of a shift you had to get used to but she did it and as a result has a brilliant relationship with all her DILs and SDILs.

All of this.

OP I would have an issue and your MIL is being deliberately disrespectful. My mother is an MIL and would never do this. Nor do my brothers MILs.

It’s a weird way of “pulling rank” and husband needs to put his foot down. If she had attempted to give her cake I would take it away. And if you expressly purchased a bike and she did it anyway I would he furious too. Sounds like she is struggling not being the Queen Bee in her son’s life anymore and so trying to be the boss with the grandchildren.

When she sat"Grandma's house, Grandma's rules" stand up to her. Say (loudly and firmly) "No! MY children, MY rules." Then if she still produces the slice of cake take it away, put it in a bag or box and say that it will be saved for a better time tomorrow.

Sorry, but you need to grow a backbone here.

With regard to the bike, she absolutely was undermining you and trying to score points. Leave the bike she has bought at her house. Say that your child can use it when they are there (which would be hardly ever for me). Then buy your child the bike you originally intended to get for their birthday and keep it at your house.

Absolutely STOP discussing your plans for your child in front of her. By doing that you are providing her with the opportunity to jump in ahead of you.

This is a spectacularly daft post. Things stop being kind and generous when done expressly against the wishes of the parents.

I think it’s a balance.

Buying the bike was definitely undermining you.

Buying the toy as a gift, why does she need your permission?

Sounds like you both want control.

I have a similar issue with being undermined so I gave up admittedly. DC accept that at grandma’s house, they can get away with murder and eat whatever they want, but grandma is only in charge at grandma’s house. If grandma is at ours, then I step in and remind the DC they’re not at her house so tough for everyone - I don’t let her have the final say and the children know that (at 5 and almost 3).

And just don’t share any information with her anymore.

Similarly I used to worked with a lot of older (than me at the time) women. Out of say, ten of them, one might actually like their DIL. The rest would tell me stories about their DILs. A lot of times, I'd think to myself, your DIL sounds a lot like you!
😂

Comments like: "My son said he'd ask his wife. He doesn't need to ask his wife to see his mother." (Your son probably has no idea what the weekend schedule is love, because his wife is the mental load manager).

Or, "He's mine, not hers."

I used quote: "A daughter is a daughter for all of her life, a son is a son until he takes a wife." 😅

You’ve entirely missed the point.

Another thing that helped was working out why mil feels the need to out do me.
She give all her life to her boys and it became a massive part of her. She was and is a great mum and grandma but I think she struggles with no longer being the only women in her sons life. I said to me once during a time she was feeling very vulnerable. That my dh would do anything for her until he met me then I became his priority.

Buying a bike before you did was awful of her. She wasn’t being generous, she wanted to get in first.
I’d say, ‘Oh lovely. That one can stay at grandma’s house’.
If she said it’s grandma’s house, so grandma’s rules, I’d be in there like a shot. ‘Actually, mummy and daddy make the rules.
Grandma will give you some cake before bedtime. ‘Thanks but they’ll be as high as a kite at bedtime. We’ll take it home and you can have it tomorrow.
And keep stepping in ALL THE TIME. You need to be assertive!

I have a similar mil. Last Xmas we shared that dd will be getting her first phone. A few days later she sent me a order confirmation saying she will gift it to her at the weekend. I told her no that dd will be getting a phone for xmas and she was to cancel the order. I dont allow her to take over. I do choose my

In addition to my earlier post, until my recent retirement I worked with a gaggle of older ladies in senior NHS positions and it never failed to astound me listening to them drone on about how their sons had been stolen away by their daughters in law.

Really petty perceived slights.
As someone who had been on the other side of the coin when I was younger, I felt sorry for their DILs and tried to challenge their thinking.

I think it's because they are unable to let go of control and don't have enough going on in their own lives.

I haven't read everything, but I just wanted to say, it's not the individual acts themselves, is it. It's the death by a thousand cuts. Being undermined over seemingly minor things, build into a giant wall of resentment.

The bike thing would enrage me. Actually all of it would!

Reminds me of a time I asked MIL not to buy a certain toy because I had a surprise for DC. She bought 4 different items to make up for it. This wasn't a special event, it was a standard grandma has child trip to town.
It felt like; what? I didn't buy what you asked me not to. (tinkly laugh).