AIBU to feel undermined by my mother-in-law over the children?

Nah. My MIL is brilliant and not like this. I back up what Grandma says even if they're different rules to our house eg don't open any cupboard door. She will back up what I say, even if she really pleads to give my toddler a snack, she will accept it if I say it's too close to his dinnertime and then enjoy him eating well at dinner, especially if it's food she's prepared. She's got opinions but she knows to respect parenting decisions.

I do think okay bit of cake before bedtime if they're old enough to have sugar, what's the harm, but it's the pattern of "no, ignore your mother" that's not good for kids. I also think you've got to pick your battles so agree with this poster on that, but you don't have to just get walked over especially when it's sending the message to your DC that you're not in charge when Grandma's around. The bike thing would have annoyed me - what if OP had already bought it? Or now has to think of and plan for another gift? Or was just excited to see that idea play out that they'd thought of and wanted to see their DC enjoy? It's at best thoughtless, at worst quite spiteful.

Edit: also imagine if the bike thing was the other way round. Grandma shares what she's excited to get grandson for his birthday, mum gets ahead of her and buys it instead and in advance? Not cool

My MIL is like this. Constant one-upmanship and undermining of boundaries. We were told they "wouldn't be dictated to" when we made a perfectly reasonable request not to do an activity with one child in a way that excluded the other.

We have just had to keep reiterating boundaries. "We'd appreciate it if you don't do X" or "Please could you do Y". We've cut back on contact when there's been a lot of undermining.

They have persisted with the undermining behaviour. My DC are teens and see it very clearly. One has chosen to have virtually no contact with them and the other has chosen to take responsibility for holding our family boundaries eg saying no thanks to MIL when she's being undermining.

Buying the Sylavian family - YABU, I don't think it's a big deal.
Bike & cake - YANBU

Her behaviour is very unreasonable but tbf you're letting her get away with it so she's learnt to keep doing it!

I'll be a bit more lenient when it comes to grandparents wanting to give sugar near to bedtime etc but if I've already said no to something then it's not happening as I'm the parent. The bike would remain at her house, they would have taken the cake home for the next day and they wouldn't have gone in the muddy garden. Do that a few times and she'll stop undermining you as she'll know she can't get away with it.

1. Don't tell her what you are getting the kids. If she asks give her ideas od things you know the kids will like but not what you are getting yourself.
2. Just say no? My inlaws have tried this a lot and I always take the plate away and discuss with my child that I have said no. They now ask me before giving the kids. They have learnt it just upsets the kids and I don't mind being the bad guy because I explain to my children why it is a no.

I'd put this in writing, texts or whatever, to be clear as it's possible she is forgetful, though I'm in no way saying all women of a certain age are, but it makes it clearer. And I'd only do it for things that really matter.
Try to get her onside, see her as a person in her own right, not just a grandmother, though that is obviously super important for your kids. But take her out and ask about her own interests. Making friends and getting a genuine mutual respect going will help you both value each other and throw out the argybargying MIL/DIL stereotype,
BTW Are you only asking for advice from MILs, OP? Please ignore my post if so (my kids are young so I'm not a MIL, so apologies as maybe I shouldn't be responding!)

It's not surprising that you feel undermined by her going against your rules, but on the other hand, as a grandma, she probably feels controlled and frustrated by all your rules and stipulations.

It is a rare grandparent who doesn't or wouldn't want to feel that they can sometimes spoil their grandkids.

Can you and / or your DH talk to her about his as a concept rather than waiting for an incident and getting cross?

DH could ask if she feels frustrated, and talk about ways that she can be a grandma but explain that its hard when routines (call them routines not rules) put in place for her health are disrupted and where it could give you parenting battles ongoing.

Suggest things she might like to do: my grandma used to put a penny in a box every day to save up for the ice cream van - and let me see how much was saved. It would need to be 10p or 50p now !

I was thinking that

Bike and Cake - YANBU

Sylvan toys - YABU and controlling

quite honestly, insisting that ANYONE get your permission on what gift to buy for birthdays and christmas is just WEIRD. You are totally justified in being annoyed that the gift you planned to buy got co-opted but get on soe of the christmas threads on here - you'll see how many of us are endlessly frustrated that our parents and in laws can't be bothered to make a decision on a child's gift without our input. It's strange that you want it so formally.

People who end up with their children and grandchildren thousands of miles away. Can't imagine why that would be.

Tell her nothing about your plans for the DCs. Gifts, holidays, trips. Anything she might try to one up you on.

I never understood why parents allow their dcs to see relatives who are rude and disrespectful and unhelpful to the parents. I simply wouldn’t allow it. We are a package and if you’re rude to me then I am sorry but you do not get the privilege of spending time with my children.

Couldn’t agree more. She’s deliberately undermining the OP and it’s not acceptable.

I'd let the cake go, it was at her house and grandma's role is to do things like that, it's not like she overruled you in your own home.

Buying the bike is a bit of a dick move when you said you were going to do that. Don't tell her what you are buying in future.

I love it when someone starts a "I hate my mother in law" thread. All the DiLs jump on like a frothing, baying mob. "My Mil gave DD a digestive biscuit in 2022 so we've grey-rocked the bitch".

It's fascinating.

Would it be different if it was your mum doing all this? I can see why the bike is annoying but the other examples you are being petty, especially the sylvanian. There’s nothing wrong with grandparents spoiling the DC, and wanting to be told before anyone gives your child a present is ridiculous and controlling. My own mum can be a bit like this, I told her of a big present we were planning to get DD for Christmas and she went and got one, not the one I would have chosen either, so it did annoy me for 5 seconds but then I realised it makes her happy, and DD won’t care less if it comes from her or us and won’t think less of whatever other present we get her instead, so no harm done and not worth getting upset over.

If we lived near my MIL, I am sure she would be just like this based on previous behaviour over the very long time I've known her. When our DCs were babies and toddlers, she would sulk if she could see over FaceTime that they were wearing clothes that hadn't come from her, and if we didn't say that we were reading the book she'd sent for bedtime stories every night at the exclusion of others! She once found out that I'd been away for a few nights for work, and she said to the kids like 'Oh does Mummy think her job is more important than you?'. Quite pathetic behaviour. For many reasons I eventually dropped the rope and left all contact up to DH (after many instances of stern words from both me and DH).

Nope. Understanding people's motives when "generous gifts" are received is an important lesson to learn. Buying a bike, having been told that your DIL is buying one as a birthday gift is not an act of kindness. Supporting DIL's decision that cake before bed is not a good idea, would've been kinder and less manipulative.

It's clear that those two examples are simply being used as an example of MIL's behaviour, even her own son has spoken to her about it.

Don't be that MIL whose DIL is very glad you live so far away.

She sounds awful.

If you had never said then it would be different but you did. It reminds me of a dog pissing on territory. I’m not a Grandma yet but will abide by everything they decide even if I do not agree. I would only say anything if I thought there was a genuine risk to health. At least your DH does speak to her. Do not leave your kids with her ever, tell her why and if there is a fall out well she can stew.

MIL only ever looked after DS and DD twice, we live hundreds of miles away. DS was about a year old the first time and I returned and she had given him tea in a bottle. I did say something and she never did it again to be fair. She turned up once with a table and chairs she thought we may like. She had driven 250 miles with them, she had to take them back. That was early on.

@TheAmberKoala That is shocking. I would have returned the dog.

That is fucking nuts. I would be dropping the dog back at the MiL and teaching my children that animals are not toys to be bought on a whim but living creatures which need respect and time and consideration before bringing into a new home.

Grandma's rules at grandma's house would piss me off so much. The bitch in me would say fine, you can only see them at our house then!
In reality I know these relationships are difficult to navigate and that on the surface, individual scenarios seem harmless but it all adds up to a lack of respect of you as the parents and that your decisions for your children are final and not negotiable.
I don't appreciate grandparent relationships that rely on spoiling the children or one upping the parents.
There's a time and place for cake, presents, mud etc and it seems like your MIL assumes you're just saying no to be difficult when in reality she doesn't understand the reason behind it, perhaps a routine that will be needlessly disrupted.

So your children don’t have to follow the house rules when they visit others? Your children your rules wherever they go? I am light on the house rules but you would not get a second invite if you did not tell your DC to abide by them without good reason.

There is always a middle ground, as pp say, when taking DC to other homes with other relatives. Part of the joy of going to DGPs. was always being allowed small treats/slightly later bedtimes etc than we had at home, the odd unexpected gift. DPs knew exactly what was happening - it was a bit of fun for us without them having to break consistency at home. We learned that rules vary and you have to respect them in different places, rather than “my Mum sez I don’t have to”.

The only rules worth arguing over relate to the safety and well being of the child (and I would have blocked the muddy garden before leaving if I’d had a DGP suggest it).

Barring the chid from taking the bike is as childish as the DGM rushing out to buy it first. Learn from it and, as you say, avoid future discussions of planned gifts.

As @MageKing says - DGPs have always been there for a bit of spoiling and a less intense form of parenting. Don’t lose that based on a need for total control - it has a value.

As for people pleasing - every time I see this cited as a reason for avoiding difficult discussions I wonder why, in the therapy obsessed ‘20s, people still do not seek out help from the myriad of books, courses, free training etc available to help with this problem. Look for “negotiating skills” or “positive discussions” - the fashionable name changes but the content doesnt.

Also, the OP has mentioned MIL has form for this and has fallen out with her son many times, its not a one off.

That is insane! The dog would be getting dropped off at grandma’s house. Unbelievably irresponsible.