AIBU to expect my sister to help cover Mum's care?

Yes but the sister is selfish. We all need help now and again in life. Why would you not help out a family member if you could. Especially as a one off especially when so little is asked of you.

I think that you OP and your DD are wonderful people and your DSIS a selfish bitch but of course you can't force her to help if she doesn't want to. Does she ever visit her own mother ? She should realise that one day she will be old and may need help herself, perhaps her own family should treat her as she treated her own mother.

It’s always unreasonable to decide what other people should do with their time. Do only what you’re happy to do with no expectation of others.

This, and it’s often those that are happy to martyr themselves who are shocked and appalled that others won’t play their game.
why is it the person with boundaries who says “no!” who’s seen as in the wrong, rather than the person who needs formal carers but won’t accept it?

Agree.

In the nicest possible way though sometimes the person being cared for needs to be told “tough” you can’t expect your family to work to burnout point just because you would prefer not to have carers coming in.

I think too often family members (mainly women) are made to feel guilty when they can’t do it all but they are entitled to a life too. A mum of little ones shouldn’t be needing to plan her life around visits 3 times a day that’s not sustainable or fair on anyone.

The mum has rejected the idea of external carers, it has been shut down as an option.

Why not contact adult social care for an assessment for carers? She could get 3 or 4 visits a day from carers. It will make it easier all round.

You can’t force people to do something they don’t want and that’s something you have to face

you might be right in thinking less of them as a result - lazy and selfish spring to my mind

you do need to get a break and I think this is time to work out what’s happening next - your mother refusing carers - dictating your life - is wrong - although commonplace it seems with dementia

EatMoreChocolate44 it is unreasonable to expect the sister to undertake caring responsibilities and to not accept the sister has boundaries; OP has asked (not unreasonable) and sister has declined (also not unreasonable).

Sod that for a game of soldiers she needs carers

You can’t make anyone else do any care. I’m sorry.

OP, I have no idea why posters are saying you are being unreasonable. You and your daughter are amazing, you love your mum and you are doing your best to make sure she is happy and cared for. That's commendable and you are obviously very kind people. Yes no one has to take care of their elderly parents but I would think most people would want too especially for a one off weekend. Most of the people I know in real life all help out with elderly family members when they can. Your sister sounds selfish. She would be doing it as much for your family as for your mum. Yes, your mum should accept outside help and other carers (especially to ease the burden off you and your daughter) but your sister should want to help out once in a while (unless there is some massive backstory of abuse or something).

Is she not planning on going back to work then?

Your mum is being selfish. I will never, ever allow my DS to deprive himself of a fulfilling life because he has to centre everything around me when other options are available.

Its your choice to help your mum out and your daughters choice to be her nan’s carer rather than working. Why do you think that you get to make the choice on your sister’s behalf?

It seems unfair that she won't help but is there a back story, has she a poor relationship with her dm or you?

Your dd needs to step back and get your dm to pay for carers. Fine obviously to do visits and shopping but 3 visits a day with young kids is crazy, she'll end up ill.

Toddlers are resistant to putting their coats on and going in car seats - but you have to insist for their wellbeing

This. Our family were run ragged for 4 years trying to juggle mils care. She needed 3 visits a day for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Couldn't cook for herself as too immobile. Forgot her medication and rung one of us if she lost her tv remote. It was bloody ridiculous to let it go on for so long. None of us were leading normal lives. She, too, was highly resistant to outside carers coming in but in the end we had to force it - ironically because one of us had an accident and was immobile herself for a short time. It became clear that we just couldn't fill the gaps without somebody suffering a mental collapse. She just had to suck it up, like it or not but she soon got used to it. Sounds harsh but you're no use to anyone else if you don't look after yourself first.

You can’t make any one step up. You should organise private carers for the weekends and tell your mother you need a break. And that’s it.

Your sister is perfectly entitled not to look after your mother. Your mother is being totally unreasonable not to have carers in. What sort of a person thinks their children should scivvy for them. Please tell me that you don’t expect your children or grandchildren to do this for you. You are also being unreasonable for keeping this going. Your mother will get her carers paid for if she has no money.

I can see why you feel your sister is being very unhelpful when you do so much, and I can also see why she might not be keen. I think you can be annoyed at her, but just have to accept it.

Some people here suggesting your mum might be close to needing a care home, I would disagree. However some things you might want to consider....

1. Your DD can have a carers assessment for free from your council, it isn't related to carers benefit, your mum doesn't need to agree or know about it. DD may get some helpful advice on longer term planning and even the possibility of a small amount of financial help.
2. You could ask GP/pharmacist if your mums meds could be taken fewer times a day - sometimes as things get added to prescriptions they are not well organized and actually can be done better so they only have to be taken once or twice a day, or things can be given in other forms eg patches. This might reduce the checking she has taken her tablets pressure.
3. Look into delivered meals, some options include a quick check in for peace of mind.
4. Home care comes in lots of forms and sometimes charities like age UK do paid for home visiting services. This can be things like just checking someone is okay and has had lunch.
5. Assuming you are in England/Wales, your council is legally obliged to give you advice on social care options (including things like delivered meals, technology etc)
6. There is lots of technology which can help with things like medication prompts, falls detectors, home safety etc.

Is your sister included in the "we" or is it you and your daughter that don't want this?

Good for her for having her boundaries.

I feel desperately sorry for your daughter. You seem to expect her to do it, it’s her duty.

This could go on for years and as you state you havent been on holiday for 3 years!

All elderly people would prefer family to do the caring but even you have used the word burden in one of your posts.

I had both parents that I was responsible for and I had very strict boundaries. If someone could be paid to do something that is what happened. Eventually both had to go into care homes but even then care homes LOVE daughters around the corner.

Does “we”, include your sister?

Not what you asked but be careful of taking on the role of carer when you retire, Carer’s Allowance is considered a benefit and will be deducted from your state pension.

OP your DM needs to go into respite care so that you can have a proper break. It only needs to be temporary, but it will open the door to future stays. Your current arrangements are not sustainable.