AIBU to expect my sister to help cover Mum's care?

My daughter volunteered, it works well for her, she gets more time with her children than she would if she had been back at work already, is always able to do school drop off and pick up, nativity plays etc

But between her caring responsibilities and her children, when does she get time and headspace for herself? I'm not saying this to be unkind, I've actually been there at the coal face of this situation and you just don't realise how not normal it is and how burnt out you're getting. A little bit of outside help now might prevent a complete collapse of the situation later. The years pile up.

She’s already got a full time job though!!! Her small children and home duties and spending time wit her family and husband should be prioritised!! You get to go to work and get away from it!!! It’s VERY different to being at home and caring for your relative as well as small children!!

Dioes your daughter claim Carers Allowance for her grandma?

Your daughter gets £80 a week only for carers allowance! Has she been asked level if she’s still happy to carry on? Without her feeling she has to say yes of course and can be honest? I adored my granny but looking after the kids is a full time job without her granny being another job on top! One of my Aunts couldn’t cope with seeing how her mum had deteriorated and didn’t want to see her like this so the rest of us were left managing her. Ended up in a lovely home safe and we could go back to having family visits without being carers for her again.

Your dd needs to step back and get your dm to pay for carers. Fine obviously to do visits and shopping but 3 visits a day with young kids is crazy, she'll end up ill

I say from personal experience that once you are sucked in to giving so much time and care it begins, after a while, to seem quite normal and you just slog on with it because you are blind to other options. But it really, really isn't normal to have to keep up with this pressure for years. It takes a toll.

You can’t make someone else take on a responsibility they don’t want. You also don’t have to do as much as you do- there comes a point where your mother can’t refuse external care if she’s reliant on others.

This is really unfair on your daughter who has children to care for.

Your mum is being very selfish refusing any outside care. She could stay in respite for a week?
Your sister is being sensible to not get dragged in. Your poor daughter should be concentrating on her own family not your mum. If mum can't be trusted to take her meds she needs to be in care. It's a huge responsibility to put on people.

By the time you've retired in a few years time your DM's needs will be much greater than they are now. It's the sad reality that she is currently the best she's going to be, and she's on a downward trajectory. As others have said, it would be sensible to start planning ahead for outside help or a home.

Noone is obligated to be a carer. It is in fact illegal to try to coerce or pressure someone into caring duties that they feel unable or unwilling to do.

You sister has clearly articulated her boundaries. Stop trying to trample over them.

It is your choice and your daughters choice if you opt to provide care. I imagine your DD is claiming carers allowance, and this allows her to stay home with her children and so why she is doing it.

If family members can't or don't wish to provide care, then external carers need to be found.

I agree.

Just because you and others are willing to mould your lives around your DM doesn't mean that your sister has to do the same.

You have to accept your sister won't help. You will never know why.

However, I think you need some.additional.protective mechanisms in place and your mum has to accept that you and dd need to have breaks for your own health and wellbeing. That includes accepting temporary carers or a week in respite.

What would happen if your dd was unwell, broke her arm or something, or of one of the children were ill?

I would recommend your dd has a carer's assessment and I hope she is claiming carer's allowance. There is also attendance allowance although I'm not sure of that can be claimed alongside carer's.

Your mum is 84 and unwell and is presumably only likely to become more unwell. In my opinion, a short period with carers may be helpful as a transition and perhaps a carer once a day would suppprt your dd and your mum over the longer term and mean that in an emergency it doesn't come as a shock to your mum.

This is about transitions which work better when introduced gradually rather than as emergency responses.

You aren't unreasonable that you shouldn't be doing this much, and that you need to step back. You are placing the blame incorrectly though, your sister is allowed to have boundaries and so are you. You need to stop giving more of yourself than you are happy with. Your mum is not entitled to make demands on you that destroy your health and wellbeing and a good mum who has the capacity to understand the real impact that her care needs are having on her daughter would instantly agree and would not want that level of sacrifice.

Start saying no, start stepping back. Keep social services informed but uphold your boundaries and be firm that you cannot do everything. You love your mum. What energies you have should be spent enjoying the time there is left, not doing unpaid drudge work. Set out what you can happily do without detriment to yourself and your other family members and absolutely refuse to do more than that.

Maybe OP’s DSis is side-stepping a family hierarchy where you are expected to do exactly as your DM says, even if you are a full grown adult with children of your own?
None of us have the back story or indeed need the back story, but OP’s DSis is entitled to make her own choices as she see fit.

Your sister should help but you can't make her, only keep explaining that it's a small ask compared to what the rest of you are doing, but would massively help.

Time for a change. Your poor daughter.
Sister probably doesnt want to be sucked into it.

It is unbelievably selfish to accept care but only from family members. Either you cope without care or you accept people paid to do it so your family can get on with their own lives. Your dd has small children, I can’t believe you as a mother are not saying no to her doing care!

Your dd should be getting at least 4 weeks off a year. If you can’t manage that as a family then paid care is needed. Either carers coming in or respite. Or you might have to think about using a home.

Your sister is right to refuse to prop this up.

I’ve already told my dcs do not do care for me, arrange the external people, yes. Chose a nice home and visit me, yes. But do actual care- no.

Isn't it a shame that parents don't know how a child will turn out and are "obliged" to look after the nasty ones as well as the loving ones? Doesn't seem fair.

Your DM is the unreasonable person for not allowing those who care for her to have external carers, so that they can go on holiday every year.

Book a 2 week holiday

The only person stopping you going is yourself !

That’s not being at home with her children, that’s running herself in circles as a 24/7 carer.

You can’t force someone in to a caring role.
If I was you, I’d look into a nursing home for the week - the one my relative was in used to keep a few rooms for temporary residents, carers on holidays or having had hip/knee replacements etc. You never know, she might like it and want to stay!

Get carers in and start backing away. It’s too much for families and I can see why dsis does not want to join in. It’s far too much and DM needs to accept other help.