AIBU to expect my sister to help cover Mum's care?

It's fine that you have chosen to care for your mum, but it's not fine to make it so your choice to do it means that other people have to do it against their will. Use respite care for a few days.

We made it clear to the in laws what we were prepared to do and they would buy in care and then moving into a care home. It should not be expected that your children will care for you when you are older. Its a choice you and your daughter have made. Your sister has not. She should not be made to feel bad about that.

You need to start to look at paid care, if it’s being privately funded look at the option of direct hire locally so your mum can get to know the person/people covering for you. As only short visits with minimal personal care it should be relatively easy to find someone who perhaps has retired but could do with earning a little bit, if you were my neighbour I’d happily do it in fact.

I know your Mum has health issues, but she has to accept she can't be cared for 365 days a year by her family. It's fine if you and your daughter are willing to do it, but it's not right for everyone. You and your DD need a break, DM will have to accept people coming in or go into a care home.

I don’t always think it is selfishness when people get older. But fear.
Strangers in your home. Strangers going anywhere they please. Strangers cleaning you.
They won’t feel in control of their home or their body. Which is incredibly frightening. So they resist.
How many of us on Mumsnet would welcome strangers coming in, walking around the house, cleaning us.
Many will have watched programmes or seen the tales of abuse which occur. The purse opened, the money stolen. The jewellery gone.
It is fear. Not selfishness.

You need to be quite firm and you need to fully involve the person your dealing with if you are a carer you do need to learn quickly that you cannot do everything and that you need support. So you do need to say no.

Daughter not eligible for Carers allowance due to insufficient hours but attendance allowance should be claimed. It's to pay for help.

And there's a big difference between that and running yourself ragged for someone too selfish to accept outside help. Given the financial details the OP updated with it would be LA funded as well so not even out of financial con concerns.

It is not ludicrous that they are caring for a relative. It is their choice to do so.
What does you sister bring to the party. Does she visit or ever care for your mum?
If not, is there any reason or just because she doesn't want to?

This all sounds very familiar. I’m the ‘selfish’ sister in this equation. I won’t go in to why as I’ve previously posted about it.
While I understand your motives, you could be creating problems down the line if you don’t get your mother used to occasional outside care now.

While it’s lovely that your daughter is currently willing to help her grandmother, You cannot predict the future and have no way of knowing how long you’ll be able to care for your mum once you retire. Your daughter may end up with a busy job and unable to help as much. Same with your son. Life can be like that.
Hopefully you’ll all continue being able, willing and happy to provide this lucky lady with the sort of care she’s had up to now, but do her and yourselves a favour and get her used to occasional outside help as it will be far less traumatic for her than it happening in a situation where no one has any choice.

I post this from an assumption that everyone is happy with their roles and not just blindly playing their family roles. If it is the latter, then this has the potential to fall apart quite quickly.
It would be really interesting to know how you get on with sis generally and how your daughter relates to her. Also be intriguing to know what everyone’s relationship with your father was like.
Probably best that just book a midweek CenterParcs. Quieter midweek anyway.

Frankly it is ludicrous that you are both doing all of this. You also have lives. Why should your DD be doing all this? It’s nuts. Your DSis is entirely within her rights to draw a line and I think you also should.

Is your daughter claiming Carer’s Allowance? Is your mum getting Attendance Allowance? Could your mum be persuaded to have a week’s respite care in a care home? If you told her it’s either that or carers coming in?

I can't believe you are all asking so much of your daughter. It may be what your Mother wants but it's not fair and not sustainable. Your daughter has children who are missing out.

How do you get this to happen though when the elderly parent won’t engage or accept the assessment from SS?

It just sounds like a lot, if any visits are missed your mum won't eat or take her meds. That really is a big responsibility. You're just used to it. We are not!
And your daughter has a dog to look after too. It sounds like a lot.

What sort of childhood did your sister have?
Were you treated equally or were you favoured?
Did your sister have exactly the same experience of being parented by your mother that you had?

YABU your daughter and yourself have chosen to become carers and you cannot obligate someone else to do the same even if it’s only for a week . You have options , which is outside carers but you are bowing down to your mothers resistance to this . I don’t blame your sister as she probably realises that by doing it once she will have set a precedent and it will become the norm for her to step in .

You haven’t been on holiday for three years, you say.

I don’t doubt you’re losing your mind, you’re under a lot of unrelenting pressure.

But it’s not a good idea to displace all your annoyance and disappointment onto your sister. She’s not the problem. Your mum’s refusal to accept carers is.

Please just watch you don’t burn out.

Then why did you start a post saying your family needs more help and your DSis should do it if you’ve got everything sorted?

But you’re not free to go on holiday, are you? And you are desperate to.

So it’s not a great arrangement.

Also, please know that it is entirely inappropriate of you to expect your daughter’s cousin (with young child in tow!) to administer medicines under the circumstances you describe.

Your sister has put a boundary in place. You can only ask and she’s said no. Anyone can put a boundary in place and hers is to not help her sibling, niece and mum out for a weekend. I would go on your holiday and sort carers for that weekend. Perhaps your sister could help organise that? YANBU though and I’m sorry your sister has refused.