AIBU to expect my sister to help cover Mum's care?

Please don’t diminish the message I was trying to explain.

My elderly parents didn't just get used to the carers after a few teething problems they bloody love them

Could you get respite care at all? Care agencies may be worth a try .Obv DS should help but you cant make them sadly.

But this is all happening because her husband is able to financially support her.

So you are directly benefitting from his financial support as it means you are not having to deal with the real cost of being a full time carer for your mum.

Don’t you have any plans for your retirement ? What if your mum lives for another 10+ years. It’s entirely feasible with the miracles in modern medicine.

As a PP said, this situation is entirely based on luck and goodwill.
When a member of the family chooses not to engage it’s probably wise not to immediately jump to ‘they’re just selfish’ but to look at the wider picture.

You sound similar to my sister. Very in charge of things and brilliant in a crisis etc but gets extremely judgemental when people don’t fall in line with her view of things.

Interestingly my dad sounds like your mum. Everything is about family, no outsiders. I believe they call it ‘close knit’.

The geriatric social worker on my mums rehab ward describe it as codependency!

I agree, it is different for everyone and I couldn't do it with the support network I have.
However this thread derailed into how badly her daughter and daughters children have it, which considering the similarities, I took personally. We can't know if OPs DD genuinely wants to do it like myself, is suffering etc. We simply do not have the information to know.
However the thread spiralled into what in places felt like generic don't care for family and I felt I should balance that with what is a broadly positive example, where it is beneficial.
There is no one size fits all, or a right or wrong way to approach these things, some commenters (I am not suggesting you were one of them) have tried to brand all family care as inherently negative, suffer inducing or detrimental, I was countering that, not trying to say it is always positive for everyone.

I'm not shocked at all, and none of this has anything to do with how you feel about your grandmother as a person. I'm merely evaluating your words about your caring responsibilities.

And as you concede in your post, your comment about it being purely a privilege was inaccurate.

The OP here is in a situation where she is not really seeing things clearly and, although she'd prefer not to admit it, the arrangement is clearly stressful and unsustainable in the long run, and it's now starting to strain family relationships.

I don't think she benefits at all from people (like you) waxing lyrical about how wonderful caring responsibilities are. And I do that think that she and her daughter could do with an opportunity to reflect openly on their situation and look at some alternatives.

OP you and your DD are doing a fantastic job. Don’t let anyone here tell you your Mum needs a Care Home without knowing anything about her other than she needs some help with daily living or that your daughter ought not to be providing care. You do what’s best. Have you considered whether your local council would pay a Direct Payment to fund/part fund the cost of your Mum’s care? Ask for a Care act Assessment. This would potentially give your daughter a small income. It’s unfortunate that your sister won’t help but not everyone is cut out to. I think your Mum will need to compromise and allow outsiders to help while you are away.

I'm not saying there are no moments where it is difficult, thats true of anything in life, a job also wouldn't be perfect.
Why does it shock you that I love my grandma and enjoy her company and want to spend time with her?

Having had more than enough experience at being a carer, for different people, at different times, I think it's important to point out that whilst all these people are happy and choose to be doing what they're doing, they don't have a back up plan. That's the problem with 'keeping it in the family'

In our case 3 of us were caring for an elderly parent (mil) which was mostly doable even though it took a ridiculous amount of organisation. We had it all in hand.

Until my sil fell and broke her pelvis and then another of the siblings had a sporting accident and broke a kneecap. In the same week. Both out of action for at least 6 months. That reduced our manpower, and we'd all been giving all the time we had around work and commitments already. Of course chaos ensued and one of us had to manage getting care in place immediately. Emergency private carers costing a fortune while we got an assessment for social care etc which took about 6 weeks.

So my advice would be to get an assessment. Get on the books. Get into the system. Even if it's just for one visit a day - maybe the evening visit when it's just about medication and locking up to start with and there's no personal care involved. Then if the worst happens, she's already in the care system, the admin is all already done, and the emergency services will fly in and cover.
(And very efficiently, we have found to our surprise)
It's common sense really, and insurance against things going badly wrong.

Is your daughter being paid? I don't mean carer's allowance.
If she is and wants to do it (and isn't being pressurised by you) then it's her choice.
If she isn't being paid (and isn't being pressurised by you, again it's her choice.

But I suspect some pressure is being applied to her.
2 hours out of anyone's day is a LOT when she already has enough on her plate.
Your Mum and you are going to have to accept that outside help is needed.

Your "every hour is a privilege" just doesn't ring true, sorry.

No one is this emotionally one dimensional. Life is complicated.

I wonder if you are perhaps at risk of being trapped like the OP? Family ties and caring responsibilities require careful navigation.

I won't speak for OP or her daughter but I can explain how caring for my Grandma benefits me and my children.

1. Yes I am on UC, my partner works but isn't a high earner
2. The alternative is me working 8-5, at which point I can't take my eldest to school, need to pay childcare for my youngest etc, and only have limited time off for holidays and days out
3. In the school term I take DD to school, then pop up to Grandma, we spend a little while there, DD2 gets to play with the toys we have there, we are home for 10:15, I then have a whole day with DD2, until about 13:30 when she would be in Nursery otherwise, we play, go to classes. I then go to Grandmas again 13:30- 3:00, I do DDs lunch there, I have lunch there, DD plays. Then I have all evening until about 20:00, I've put the children to bed, I spend 45 min with grandma and shower her before bed, I'm home in time for 2 hours of time with my partner before bed.

When I worked with 1 DC, I did not have the same time for my children or partner, It can be beneficial.

Yabu
It’s really sad that your dd is providing this level of care at her age. Your Mum needs proper care 3 times a day and while you are willing to provide this and not involve carers, you can’t expect your sister to support this level of home care

I think this thread has been totally derailed OP.
I think your AIBU has 2 questions hidden in it,

1. YABU to expect your sister to provide care
2. Assuming you and your sister shared a positive childhood YANBU to be a bit miffed that she won't help out

As for everyone else, I'm in my 20s, 2 children and I care for my grandma, it is not a burden, my children do not miss out on anything (if anything they gain), and I view it as a thank you to all the years of support and love she bestowed upon her children and grandchildren. My parents, Aunt and Uncle, Sibling and Cousins help out if I want to take the kids away for the day or go on holiday (which happens often), and I view every hour spent with my grandma as a privilege.
No one has to care for their family, its not an obligation in the way caring for children is, but nor is it inherently a bad thing. Just because it's not something you want to do, doesn't mean no one should.

Yeah, I don't understand what you mean by better than working?

So what’s the plan for when she’s back at work? Is this what you’re gearing up your sister for?
honestly struggling to see how this 3 visits a day including bed visits is such a benefit to dd? Is she on uc?

That's what safes and lockable filing cabinets are for.

So your daughter is being paid? Direct payments? Surely you don't mean carers allowance which is only £83 a week?

Morally its not right but equally its your sisters perogative to decline helping with your mums care.
No child is ever obligated to care for their parents.
Ultimately, you deserve a break and as much as your mum doesn't want external care, it is also not fair of her to emotionally blackmail you by guilt tripping you into not having a well deserved holiday.
I would put external care in place and just tell your mum this os whats happening. Its not permanent so she needs to get over it!

The issue is your Mum’s resistance to outside help, not the boundary your sister has set for herself.

Why would you let your daughter waste her life being an unpaid carer?! shocking.

If she were working 9-5, 5 days a week no one would be asking these questions, despite it being more hours.

If she were working 9-5, or whatever other hours, she would have a wage or salary. She would have annual leave. She would have the choice to leave and take a different job. She currently has none of those.

And I think it's unrealistic to plan for the current situation to continue until you retire 'in a few years' when you will take over. You can't predict what might happen which might mean your dd needs to prioritise her family, or how your health or your dm's health might change in the next few years.

Or maybe she volunteered to start with, not really knowing what she was getting herself into, and she's now painted herself into a corner she can't get out of. And her mum tells everyone how awful the sister is, and how amazing the daughter is, and the granny selfishly tells everyone how she will never have paid carers, and the daughter realises she has no way out.

OP - and in the kindest way possible as I have a mother of a similar age - there is absolutely no guarantee that your mother will be around in "a few years" when your own grandchildren start school. She's 84.

Don't be so ridiculous. Parents are obligated by law to look after the children that they chose to have. Failure to do this can lead to prosecution and the children being taken into care if the children are mistreated or neglected. There is no such obligation for adult children to care for their aged parents.

OP's mum is selfish to completely refuse to have any outside carers, not even for respite care so that her daughter and grandaughter can go on holiday together.