AIBU to expect my sister to help cover Mum's care?

You clearly see her as selfish for not wanting to do it. However, I see your mum as selfish for not wanting outside carers for a couple of weeks a year. She should be grateful your DD and you do so much for her already. I'd even argue it's selfish she didn't save and plan her care for later in life, so even more of a reason she should be grateful as it's hours a day for free, including weekends.

I can fully understand not wanting to help like this. And actually, unless your mum was a huge help to her with childcare or something before she got ill, there's no reason she should feel guilt tripped into it either (not to mention illegal pressuring someone into free carers work).

On a seperate point, you keep making comments about how your DD gets more time with the kids than she would if she was working... But also saying she wouldn't be working as hubby supports them both. So this is less time than if she wasn't doing it, and less money than if she was working. I also don't believe she couldn't get any work for 14 hours a a week which is what you say are equivalent hours. So unless she has some agreement to recieve something in the will, she's giving up an awful lot.

This sounds like someone who knows nothing.

It's only beneficial to OP's daughter if she's benefiting financially from caring, which often leads to relatives denying much needed professional care to keep their own income stream going. OP insinuates that caring means she doesn't need to work, so... But if she's really not benefitting from it financially, then she's literally giving up time with her kids to be a carer (because she could be at home anyway if she's not being paid, right?)

In the real world, when you've had experience of these things, the reality is often that the 'lazy' sibling is actually the one who knows best and isn't prepared to be complicit in stopping the elderly person accepting much needed professional care to benefit the sibling.

Not sure why everyone is jumping on OP for her daughter’s caring role!

her daughter is an adult who can make this choice. She likes to do it for her gran and it works around her kids. She has support twice a week to go to toddlers groups and at weekends. No pay as doesn’t meet the threshold. Husband supports them all.

OP steps in as does brother to cover “shifts”.

when daughter goes back to work, OP will take over as she will have retired.

they can go on holiday but would need either OP, daughter or son to remain to cover the care. Therefore they can’t go together unless others help, or carers.

it’s annoying that OPs sister can’t step in for a couple of days next year. But she can’t be forced. Again, adults so can make that choice.

only option is eternal carer. Could you start now OP with a care agency so that she can get used to them and maybe shadow you?

What a bizarre thread @Neleh64! I can’t believe the responses! Of course your sister should help her mother and sister for a single week of the year so you can go on holiday. I’d do this for my parent or babysit for my sister or whatever was needed, no question. And it sounds great set up, your daughter being so close and having small children she can spend time with instead of being tied to work hours. All totally bonkers. In the normal world your sister should do this for you and she is being a dick. YANBU

Would your daughter still be at home if she wasn’t a carer? Maybe she would like to get back to work.
I understand that you don’t want your mother in a home, but your daughter doing so much of the caring along with having a young family is a huge burden on her.

Edit to add that I think your mother is incredibly selfish.
Edit again to add that I can see where your sister is coming from and she’s wise to hold her boundaries.

I haven't read the whole thread but I think it's your mum that's the inflexible one, rather than your sister.

You haven't mentioned that your mum has learning difficulties or some kind of mental impairment , so there's no reason why she can't, for 1 weekend just have a professional carer come in a couple of times a day or just take her tablets when prompted over the phone.
Could you not just pay her next door neighbour to go in 3 times a day that weekend?

Does your sister think that your mum has you all running around after her unnecessarily?

As someone who was horrendously guilt tripped into caring for a parent more than I was happy/able to (with heavy dose of sexism) I feel like I’d need a lot more backstory about the family dynamics before I could comment. I’ve learned never to judge adult children for saying ‘no’ to care roles until I hear their reasons.

Your mother needs to accept that she will need to have external carers on occasion. Seeing how opposed you are to this makes me think that your sister may be, very sensibly, keeping her boundaries firm.

@CreamSecond
"It's just as likely the the sister isn't sitting back and expecting other family to do it. If it were me I'd be doing all I could to persuade everyone to get some professional care in. And if that's the case, and her sister and niece are insisting on doing it all themselves that's reason in itself why she might be saying no.
To demonstrate that it isn't working."

Yes this is my situation as the 'selfish' sister.
I have been trying to get help in there for years but they are all locked in their own holding patterns.

I do admin and research and will happily organise care once they accept it - thus far they wont even have a cleaner despite my best effort and offers to pay.
Even my sibling is now seeing that this is unsustainable but she is so enmeshed with my father i dont think she will be able to do whats required to effect change.

We are definitely in that sandwich. With a mortgage to pay, kids at uni, cancer diagnosis and retirement due to ill health and parents with dementia. You cannot assume that your children have the ability or capacity to care for you. They do not need the additional burden.

You need carers, what if you are ill or something else changes for you or your daughter?Your sister is not going to help. Better to get your mum used to carers now than when you have no choice.
I work in care and almost every single new clients family tell us that they are very resistant to the very notion of carers. The family have soldiered on so that granny does not have to have ‘ strangers’ in the house etc .
I’ve never known any client resist once we have started ! Introduce them friends coming to help out. Good luck.

It's an issue with women of my generation (late 50's) as they often had their children later (35/40), as did their mother, and they are having to balance work, older teens and elderly parents all at once.
It's no accident that women most commonly left the workforce in their 50's to care for elderly parents, although i dont know if that is still the case now that two incomes are needed to keep up with basic living costs.

Agreed.

Obviously if the sister is saying “mum doesn’t need any external help, my niece is around to do it all!” then she’s unreasonable.
But if her attitude is more “mum needs to accept that she needs external help, and I will not be involved in papering over the cracks of this unsustainable set up” then fair enough I think.

If your mum was a good mum to her, then your sister is an absolute disgrace sitting back and expecting you and your daughter to do it all

It's just as likely the the sister isn't sitting back and expecting other family to do it. If it were me I'd be doing all I could to persuade everyone to get some professional care in. And if that's the case, and her sister and niece are insisting on doing it all themselves that's reason in itself why she might be saying no.
To demonstrate that it isn't working.

Speaking from experience, the 'help out for a few days' rapidly shifts to 'will always help out if I go away' , then shifts to ' must cover me when I decide', even though it was never agreed to and I knew my parent needed external care, yet I was somehow being dragged into an unhealthy and unsustainable situation that helped no one, least of all my parent... In my case the big issue was my sibling insisting 'his inheritance' mustn't be spent on care. It was an awful time and sibling ended up having a massive safeguarding case raised against him and parent forceably moved to care for a peaceful final few months.

But boundaries are important and need to be respected, and family care is not always what is best for elderly relatives, particularly when its being done by someone who gains finacially by refusing external care.

She may be employed via direct payment hence the frequent comparisons to having a job.

Of course she has every right! We're all entitled to our feelings.

But equally, the sister can assert a boundary and stick to it.

The OPs decision to dedicate her life to caring for her mother places absolutely no obligation on the sister to get involved.

I think she is, simply, a perfectly normal family member, who does not want to take on the responsibility of three times daily care. Not many family members do and not many would, I suspect.

The difficulty here is caused only by the mother's intransigence in accepting outside, professional carers.

And in more general terms, I don't think it's ever a good idea to force a person to care for someone vulnerable (and in this case, possibly someone really quite difficult). No good will come of it.

Is DD being paid? Because you keep comparing it to a job but she doesn't get carers allowance.

If DD is doing three visits a day for free then you and your sister are bang out of order.

I think she has every right to be miffed that her sister won't help her out for 3 days. Of course her sister doesn't have to but what sort of family member is she if she won't help out for 3 days?

However my mum is extremely resistant to external carers. Sorry, I know she's your mum but I can't imagine being so selfish. I'd never expect, or want my children to have their lives revolving around me.

Surely respite for a week would be the best option? Many homes offer pre-bookable respite. That would be better than having people care for her with young children in tow or people who don't want to be there.

You have every right to have a holiday in this scenario. Just tell her you are going and if she cant cover or find others then put mum in for some respite care.

Behave - you don't have children so that they care for you when you're older. Its your choice to have a child, its not contractual because you've raised and cared for them. And how many of these parents have cared for their parents in turn - I doubt not very many.

Everyone should ensure they have funds to buy in any care they need as its changes the relationship from parent/child to caree/carer. And its not selfish - its more selfish to put the burden on your children. They make have health concerns themselves so to have this additional burden of caring for a parent puts immense pressure on them. Plus many people need to work these days to provide for their own families. Its not so easy to give up work.

Has she always been so awful and selfish? I'd ask her why she is being like this-the only reason she is even alive is because your mum (and maybe others too) looked after her, and it's the natural order to pay it back to our parents-all cultures had some version of honour and care for the people who raised you, and helped you when you were helpless. In some societies people who don't look after their parents are shunned and there can be legal consequences-arguably the west has got far less caring.

So the same stress and financial responsibility as most parents?

I hope your daughter is being paid for taking on such a responsibility!