AIBU to expect my sister to help cover Mum's care?

You can’t make anyone do more than they want to. Maybe the sister can see the whole situation is a shitshow and needs to be brought to a head to put proper care in place. Maybe she just doesn’t want to.

Op is only asking for a couple of days, considering she and her daughter do everything I can’t see why her sister can not help her out. It is her mother as well and she does nothing

The sister can probably see more clearly what's happening. Perhaps she doesn't want to plug the gaps and enable this untenable situation to continue

The sister may well be deliberately forcing the crisis that means a solution with proper back up is put in place. What happens if the daughter or one of her DC get ill? What if the whole family goes down with a stomach bug/flu/other nasty lurgy? Been there and got a wardrobe full of those t-shirts with stubborn parents and ILs and the crisis always happens at the end of the holiday year when you've no paid leave left or you're ill or your dealing with your own problems like a burst pipe/ broken down car

Op is only asking for a couple of days, considering she and her daughter do everything......

They have chosen to do everything. Was sister involved in any discussions or planning, or have op and dd just gone ahead and done things their way?

Op is only asking for a couple of days, considering she and her daughter do everything I can’t see why her sister can not help her out. It is her mother as well and she does nothing.

You are minimising the restrictions this will be placing on your DD’s life and her family OP. Caring is hard, relentless, the mental burden as much as anything. I’m sure she is happy to do it, but its like being a lobster in a pot, to start with its just pleasantly warm water, by the end you can’t even tell your being buffeted about on a rolling boil you’ve got so used to it.
What are your plans for your own dotage? Is she going to go straight from being Granny’s carer to being yours?

I think you're all doing a great job but elderly people can be as stubborn as mules about outside help and it makes life very difficult for families. You can't make people help or want to help. My brother did bog all voluntarily for mum and when leant on, what he did, he did badly. Can I suggest introducing outside help slowly? One visit, every few days or similar? What happens if something goes wrong? If Someone is sick? Giving up holidays seems a step too far, honestly. Carers need a break,

Of course 'no' is an answer! What are they going to do if she says no? Kidnap her and lock her in their mum's house?

The entire load falls on OP and her children through choice. Elderly people can refuse outside care if they want but they can't insist on their children/grandchildren providing care if they don't want to do it.

The poster you're quoting isn't saying that anyone is forced into residential care!

She's quite reasonably pointing out that when a care package of four visits per day isn't enough then a move to a home is recommended and sensible.

It isn’t the time each day that is the problem it is the commitment to it being everyday. Yes, you or your son take over to let your daughter go on holiday but there is no backup. As you have discovered this means you can’t all go away together, you have a problem if all of you got flu at the same time. It would be sensible to get your Mum used to some level of outside help so that if you needed this in an emergency or as a one off you could do this.

Sorry if I've missed it, but is there a reason you can't get carers in for the days your sister has said no? I think caring for an elderly family member is admirable, and if it works for everyone involved, I agree it's better than having carers (I have some experience of caring for a family member so I now how bloody hard it is), but you can't expect everyone to be up for doing it.

Don't martyr yourself and say I suppose I'll just never be able to go away with my children - start contacting care companies and find one you/your mum is happy with for this trip and going forward if you need them.

Usually 4 visits a day is the maximum a care home will fund. If needs are greater then they will fund a care home. They can't force someone with capacity to move to a care home but then that person needs to sort out cover for any additional needs. If you are self funding it's entirely down to you and your family or POA if without capacity.

@Potooooooooes which area are you in? Not UK I assume.

This is total bollocks, and frankly if you are in the UK I would love to see the DOLS/LPS assessment for these individuals being made to move out of their home into a restrictive care facility. If this happens as you say, such a blanket policy is illegal and breaches human rights (and this is why we in UK need the protection of ECHR) Some of these people needing four visits a day may need it for physical disability and are safe otherwise. Corralling these people into an expensive care home unnecessarily puts pressure on spaces and results in worse outcomes for individuals. And as I said, is illegal. Where are you?

I think your DM should either agree to take her pills- is she able to take responsibility and refusing to so she can ensure she gets a daily visit: if no one comes she doesn’t take them and the world falls down?
If she isn’t able to take lifesaving medication without support absolutely she should agree/be having external care on days your family can’t facilitate.

Maybe that’s the real reason your sister is refusing. I’d be the same.

On the surface, yes it seems unreasonable that she won’t pop in three times a day for a few days to help out, however, I imagine there’s some backstory here, or OP’s sister is concerned she’s going to become the default back up carer whenever someone is sick, busy, has other plans etc, so is establishing a firm boundary by refusing to get involved.

My opinion is that just because you are happy to become a carer for someone, it doesn’t mean you can guilt trip other people into doing the same, your mum would be entitled to free careers given she’s on benefits with no assets, she just refuses to accept them, that’s her choice just like it’s your sisters choice to refuse to be her back up carer.

You are allowing your daughters life to be wasted when she should be enjoying her children. All because the old lady doesn't want external care! You get one life. Your daughter deserves to live hers properly. None of us knows what's round the corner. The older lady has had her youth, possibly without all this care on top of raising her own family. Now its your daughter's turn. Go on the proper holiday. Get carers in or have her stay in respite care. The young mum is the priority here.

This is an adult who is not OP’s employee, she can’t just instruct her. There is no way to actually force her to do it.

She's not being piled on.

If she doesn't help then it will be up ti her from now on in.”
She us taking the piss

I have a suspicion the sister wishes it were up to her from now on in.
A more dependable plan which doesn't rely totally on family would be easily organised. Well, given 6 weeks.

Well you seem to expect your DD to care for your DM for free (her sacrificing her own time to do this is not the same as her having a job and getting paid for her labour FFS!) So yes, it seems obvious that you would expect your DS to do the same.
My personal opinion is that it is unfair that you expect people to take on caring roles because you've decided that they should.

Emm no. The op doesn’t get to dictate to her sister that she has to be a carer! 😆

You need to say to your sister that “No is not an answer, She is her mother also, & there is no reason why the entire load should fall on you & your children.
You expect her to cover 3 days in a year so that you get a break. If she doesn't help then it will be up ti her from now on in.”
She us taking the piss

Hi Op,

sorry you get piled on! It is lovely to hear that you and your children are caring for your elderly mother. It is pretty shitty that your sister can’t help for a few days. I would suggest external help for a few days but as your mum is hesitant, I would start acclimatising her a few months before e.g., from Jan. Have a carer come in whilst your daughter or you are there maybe 1 or twice a month. You can specifically request for the same person. By the time your holiday comes around, hopefully she will get used to the carer. Also, it seems for such a short duration, I think she will be ok even if she is feeling resistant. I hope you get to go on your holiday and enjoy your time with your children and grandchildren.

Even though i can see why you would be frustrated with your sisters attitude i believe she has the right to decline caring for your mother.
I think your mother is the problem here and she is incredibly selfish denying you and your family the chance to enjoy a much needed break from looking after her.
I feel angry on your behalf that she won't tolerate outside care for a very short time, this is what i would be working on, try and talk your mother into accepting this and why.

I don't think you've read everything. Her daughter wouldn't be tied to work hours - she isn't a paid carer, so she'd be no worse off financially at home (no work hours to be tied to).

And we do not know the reasons why not, but it is different to offer than be demanded on.