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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my sister to help cover Mum's care?

266 replies

Neleh64 · 16/08/2026 16:42

So my mum is 84, she has multiple health issues including arthritis, epilepsy and she has issues with her memory at times (we’ve been to the memory clinic and there was no diagnosis).
My daughter is her carer, alongside raising her own children. She makes sure my mum takes all her medication, cleans her home, prepares all her meals, takes her to all appointments, collects her prescription etc.
I currently work 30 hours a week, on the two week days I don’t work, I help out by doing the afternoon visit, this lets my daughter take her children to toddler groups etc.
I also co-ordinate some of my annual leave to cover when my daughter goes on holiday and my son helps out too.
I haven’t been on holiday in 3 years now, I desperately want to go away in the easter school holidays with my children and their children. However my mum is extremely resistant to external carers.
I have asked my sister who lives 20 minutes away, no longer works, has a car etc. If she would be willing to help cover for a week in April, my daughter has asked her cousin too.
Cousin has said she can do the Monday to Friday leg, if we can make sure there are no appointments scheduled, food is stocked etc. She has asked if we can provide a travel cot as she will be brining her own children and just staying overnight for 4 nights, absolutely fine we can do this, we have even offered to make sure there is food stocked for her and the children too (well my daughter has).
However we still need the Friday to Monday covered, I’ve asked my sister and she has outright said no chance. She said she is too busy. I told her she doesn’t have to stay overnight, and a neighbour has offered to check in and make sure the night time tablets have been taken (my mum hates taking them so asking her on the phone isn’t enough you have to go over and stand with her while she takes them or she throws them in the bin!), so it would just be morning and afternoon.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? It’s months in advance and she hasn’t said anything about a holiday or wedding so I have no idea how she already knows she’s too busy that weekend? Obviously we can just go away for 5 days instead of 7, but I was looking at the Canary Islands and that flight with 5 children doesn’t seem worth it for just 5 days.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 16/08/2026 17:07

Are there any men in the family who could take a turn?

NervousSheepy · 16/08/2026 17:07

Neleh64 · 16/08/2026 17:07

Yes, but someone still has to make sure she makes her tablets.

Generally DD goes in, in the morning makes sure she eaten, does morning tablets helps her wash, makes the bed and cleans up.
Goes at lunch and either makes her something or uses a ready meal or air fryer meal. Then pops in for maybe 5 minutes in the evening to sort her evening tablets and make sure mum locks up. Sometimes I do the afternoon and evening ones.

Show quote history

Could someone call her to remind her, or have her do it whilst on the phone?

beAsensible1 · 16/08/2026 17:07

You need to get carers so you and your DD can have a break and discuss with your mum long term about propects

if she needs 3 visits and can’t be trusted to take her medication it means intervention. This doesn’t mean you can’t also look after her but it will take the pressure offf.

that’s how you need to frame it to your mum. That her refusal means you can’t take a holiday with daughter, that everyone deserves respite etc and you will ensure that she is involved in the process

Original poster
Neleh64 · 16/08/2026 17:07

NervousSheepy · 16/08/2026 17:05

Surely the odd ready meal and pre-prepared sandwich could also help to ease things along sometimes?

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Yes, but someone still has to make sure she makes her tablets.

Generally DD goes in, in the morning makes sure she eaten, does morning tablets helps her wash, makes the bed and cleans up.
Goes at lunch and either makes her something or uses a ready meal or air fryer meal. Then pops in for maybe 5 minutes in the evening to sort her evening tablets and make sure mum locks up. Sometimes I do the afternoon and evening ones.

OP posts:
Potooooooooes · 16/08/2026 17:06

Neleh64 · 16/08/2026 16:59

3 is generally the best bet, around morning, afternoon and evening to sync up with her medication and meals. The evening one can be fairly short if you prepare something in advance as mum prefers a large lunch and small dinner.

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Ok.
In my area once you get to needing 4 visits or more per 24 hours, that moves the care needs into the 24 hour care bracket and thus a move to a formal setting is recommended if 24 hour live-in carers is not affordable by the person.

Your Mum is brushing close to this red line, so preparing herself, and the family, to make plans for a move is sensible. We all understand that people would, in an ideal world, remain at home, but circumstances and changes in needs might mean a move to stay safe is best.

I am sending best wishes, a difficult stage is coming.

Sirzy · 16/08/2026 17:06

If someone needs 3 visits a day then they either need to accept home carers or they need to be in a care home where it can be provided. It’s not fair on anyone to expect family to carry on like that for years and I don’t blame any family member who says “no I can’t”

NervousSheepy · 16/08/2026 17:05

Neleh64 · 16/08/2026 16:59

3 is generally the best bet, around morning, afternoon and evening to sync up with her medication and meals. The evening one can be fairly short if you prepare something in advance as mum prefers a large lunch and small dinner.

Show quote history

Surely the odd ready meal and pre-prepared sandwich could also help to ease things along sometimes?

NervousSheepy · 16/08/2026 17:03

I think it is unfair of your mother to resist outside care if needed. She may just need to accept that sometimes that is the only option.

Tontostitis · 16/08/2026 17:03

You're doing too much and trying to force someone to help when they have set a boundary. All of us with elderly parents we care for reach a time when the elderly loved one refuses outside help but we can't provide all the care they need. You need to insist your mother accepts enough help to make your caring burden acceptable to you not insist your unwilling sister enables this situation to continue

jeaux90 · 16/08/2026 17:03

You need to get her assessed and get carers in. My mum goes into respite home when we are all on holiday. But we have carers in 3 times a day too under normal circumstances so the burden doesn’t fall too heavily on one person.

Original poster
Neleh64 · 16/08/2026 16:59

Potooooooooes · 16/08/2026 16:55

All of this.

How many visits a day are needed to keep Mum safe and healthy?

Show quote history

3 is generally the best bet, around morning, afternoon and evening to sync up with her medication and meals. The evening one can be fairly short if you prepare something in advance as mum prefers a large lunch and small dinner.

OP posts:
cfsandhg · 16/08/2026 16:57

Sorry but your mum may be resistant to outside carers but she has no choice. Your sister has the right to say no.

Potooooooooes · 16/08/2026 16:55

Cookiesunderthesofa · 16/08/2026 16:52

You can’t make anyone one else take on caring responsibilities. It’s her choice to say no just as it is your and your daughter’s choice to do all you currently do.

yes you may see it as your duty as a loving daughter and granddaughter or you may feel you have to as there are no other options.

but ultimately it is a choice you have made .

arrange a social services assessment of needs and carers assessment and if you are unable to do as much or need respite you say and ask for support.

your mum may have to pay for it if she has funds etc but you are only being held to random because you are currently doing it all.

alternatively your mum pays independently for care from an agency.

it may seem wrong to you that your sister won’t help but that is her choice and you can’t force her to do more than she wishes to do.

All of this.

How many visits a day are needed to keep Mum safe and healthy?

Cookiesunderthesofa · 16/08/2026 16:52

You can’t make anyone one else take on caring responsibilities. It’s her choice to say no just as it is your and your daughter’s choice to do all you currently do.

yes you may see it as your duty as a loving daughter and granddaughter or you may feel you have to as there are no other options.

but ultimately it is a choice you have made .

arrange a social services assessment of needs and carers assessment and if you are unable to do as much or need respite you say and ask for support.

your mum may have to pay for it if she has funds etc but you are only being held to random because you are currently doing it all.

alternatively your mum pays independently for care from an agency.

it may seem wrong to you that your sister won’t help but that is her choice and you can’t force her to do more than she wishes to do.

Morepositivemum · 16/08/2026 16:52

I would guess she’s in denial- doesn’t want to face this. Say everything you said here to her- how much ye all do and how you need a break x

Thundertoast · 16/08/2026 16:50

If your sister has vocalised your mum should stay at home and be looked after by family, then she's being a bit of a dick.
If she's never commented on it and just said 'I cant do xx' then while its disappointing for you, neither of you are actually obligated to care for your mum and it sounds like she simply doesnt want to and you cant make her. She's thinking about not wanting to do the care, not about you not getting a break, at a guess. Have you discussed the care before?
I do hope you manage to find some way of getting a break, its wonderful what your family are doing for your mum but im sure she wouldnt want you to be burnt out on it.