To be jealous of how much family support others have?

Can your DF help?

No she doesn't.

I disagree. No one is entitled to help, but when you move house based on the promise of support and then that support doesn’t materialise it really is upsetting.

I moved closer to my parents on the same promise. The help never materialised and I know when I move away the shit will hit the fan because it makes their life less convenient.

Hello! 👋

Yes all good here thanks, hope you’re ok too! I can’t believe where the time has gone

Hope you’re OK @AliasGrape ? We were on threads together years ago with our Covid babies - how are they 6 / nearly 6? Anyway …

My parents were dead before DD was born, and DH’s parents in their 70s and just not that interested really, so we don’t have that much support but I knew that going in.

I have an amazing sister who is a lot older than me, has grown children and grandchildren of her own. I don’t want to ask her often though as she does a lot of childcare for her grandkids as it is, but she will sometimes help the odd time for work. Her grown children have helped the odd time (as I do with their kids). And my in laws to be fair do help out when it’s a need, as in an appointment/ emergency or if we really don’t have other childcare for work. The other week I ended up in hospital and they did have DD overnight, they’re finding it easier now she’s getting older.

DD is 6 and we’ve managed a couple of meals out and 2 (separate) nights away without her in that time, but otherwise that’s it for couple time. DH is one of the good ones though, and we give each other a break/ are happy for the other to have the odd night away etc so it’s not like I never get breaks.

It is a very different parenting experience from some friends though, whose parents look after their children before/ after school, overnight one night each weekend etc. But I knew not to expect that, and know we’re still luckier than most,

Op mumsnet has this weird rule that no matter what resources your parents have you should expect no support from them emotionally, financially or otherwise.
In the real world, most families are loving and helpful, so it’s really hard when yours isn’t. Parenting without a village is a completely different experience than parenting with. It’s totally ok and normal to feel envious that you haven’t had the same experiences as others. It’s ok to have those thoughts, but try to move them on quickly and don’t let them consume you.

Oh I want a full day like I want nothing on earth!!

Our parents were also 70+ before we produced our sole chick. DH's parents looked after a toddler for a weekend, my DM stayed in the game into teen years, but it was never ever a routine expectation of them.

I’m not too fussed about holidays or even overnights, although a lie in would be bloody bliss.

I have less than you (had). My mum isn’t up to it mentally or physically and in laws are overseas. The only help we have is part-time nursery (when I’m at work). No mum friends or anyone really who can help. But we plug on….

I do find a lot of the time on here people push using babysitters which is all well and good but it’s so expensive. I’ve got one coming next Thursday and it’s going to cost me £60, that’s on top of a night out!

@DownLoww I was never jealous but I was angry. The ILs (DHs parents and sister) were local to us, young (50s, 20s) and just didn’t bother their arses helping out. They did get in a tizz when I eventually decided we’re not just for Christmas and Easter when they wanted ‘family’ days like everyone else. I started booking holidays across these expected ‘family’ events. I would have also have been a fabulous aunt to SILs child (5) but I feel I don’t owe anything so now my children are older, I just watch her going through the hard times without offering to help. Funny though the PILs seem to step up for her.

Yes I've found this whenever I've floated this out. Other people seem to already have family or established friendship sharing groups they don't want more children in the mix.

My parents died before I had children. In some ways it’s easier as I’ve never had the expectation of support, but I also know I’ve had a totally different experience of parenting than some of my peers.

I am really jealous of someone on Instagram and I know it’s ridiculous and I need to stop following her but it’s compelling and I can’t 🤣

I am that DGMa that does have my DGC regularly. My DD and her DH have just got back from a weekend away, the DGC got here on Friday and left about 15 minutes ago.

It is really difficult, because I have seen thread after thread on MN adamantly proclaiming that those that would like their parents to offer child care are in the wrong because your parents have no obligation to look after your children.

I personally do feel that I do have an obligation because they are my DGC, they are my family, they are my responsibility as well as their parents. That is the way I was brought up and the way I brought my DD up and the relationship I have with my DGC.

It is an obligation that comes from a place of love and my duty to nurture my DGC, as another generation.

I do understand @DownLoww how
you must feel about your friend and don’t doubt her account at all, because my DD is your friend.

It is a hard one. As @LancashireButterPie,
says do things differently if and when you get the chance.

I totally get it OP and I sympathise.

I live abroad with my husband we met here and all our family are in the UK. It is hard work and yes grates me a bit when I see how much help my SIL gets from my in-laws. Saying that if we were in the UK I am sure they would help us too. But it does massively change the dynamics.

Also I'm not quite sure the family in UK truly understand the day to day reality of it all. Yes when they come do visit we do all the good life, touristy things and have a great time. They think we live a big holiday and I'm lucky not to have to work. The reality is though I had no choice but to give up my job as childcare and now school life is so inflexible it wasn't possible to do it any other way.

Not unreasonable.

I knew I would be leaving my kids with my parents but I hoped ILs would be more helpful, MILs parents were incredibly involved and supportive.

I’ll add in jealousy of people who can use nursery/school. I’ve seen MNers with not much family support say school/nursery was they “village”.

Wildly burnout after 3 years of 2/3 kids all the time, only just started getting better since having a bit of patchy as hell childcare which is very expensive and idk how long we’ll be able to maintain it.

Your situation sounds the same as mine OP. I have 3 DC. When the eldest was a baby my mum babysat often, they had a great relationship. Eldest is now 13 and have had two more since and can count on one hand the amount of times my mum had babysat in the last 10 years. We have no support on DH side either.

As a child growing up I was constantly at grandparents, partly for childcare while parents work partly because I loved being with my grandparents and they asked to have me. My parents do not have the same relationship with my children. On the odd occasion she comes round with a handbag full of sweets she acts out out when my children don’t go running into her arms. They barely know her.

In my friendship group, we all have children. Everybody else’s parents ask to see their grandchildren. Take them in days out, holidays, babysit etc. I can’t relate and it makes me sad (and also jealous!)

No I wasn’t jealous of support, I was sad for my DS that he has no siblings or cousins or younger GP who he could have had sleepovers etc with, but that’s life and everyone’s is different. DA is now 18 so DH and I are getting used to this new stage of our lives. I hope I will be a GP in the future and if so I hope I will be fit and live near enough to be a positive role in their lives

What is relevant here is how much parenting your DC's father does.

Because this could be the reason your mum has stepped back.

If he does little to none of his share (and I suspect this to be the case given your silence), then it's quite possible she decided not to encourage his laziness.

It's one thing helping out, but it's quite another to step in because a parent refuses to parent their own kids.