To resent carrying all of the mental load of catering for DSD's dietary requirements

But the 7 year old hardly has religious ‘beliefs’, with a broad comprehension of Judaism’s dietary requirements, let alone any actual theology.
Tangential really, but still….

Why? Her soul isn’t going to be tainted. I wouldn’t feed a Jewish person pork, I don’t eat it myself but if eaten nothing would happen. I believe Judaism is relatively relaxed about not sticking to the rules in an emergency or if you don’t know.

I get this might make people mad but it is just a load of made up nonsense. I wouldn’t be eating certain food based on what some old men said thousands of years ago.

I just saw OP’s other thread where she is asking about putting DSD on a diet as she think she is overweight. In the other thread she mentioned the kid has been going through substantial upheaval being passed from one relative to another one as her mum
is ill.

Under these circumstances I would say, make sure DSD has a good time, feed her whatever she can eat that she is permitted to eat even if it is a bit fattening and when it comes to sorting kids’ relationships with food, op should stay on her line and focus on sorting her own children’s fussiness and diet before trying fix a visiting child.

I wouldn't worry about ready meals for their calorific content- they are generally lower in calories than a version you would do yourself- not as healthy but not higher calorie.

OP refers to her kids as being fussy, not having any condition that means they can't eat certain things. I'm sure she would have mentioned arfid, we're it relevant.

Talking as a mum with a child with severe food allergies…

BOLLOCKS TO THAT. Mum and dad are responsible to ensure the child is fed appropriately so there are no issues. That’s either due to health issues, religious beliefs or whatever.

It is a LOT OF WORK, you cannot expect a new partner to carry all that load on her own. If he is just dumping the responsibility with you the child goes back to her mum . PERIOD.

Mum will be upset and angry, dad will say you are selfish but the fact here is that they are the parents and they know how to feed her, you don’t so no matter how much you try, you will not get it right and they will blame you even if you are cooking exactly what the mum cooks for her.

And also, if neither of them are helping and the child just agrees to eat the same simple thing every single day… That’s ok, she will not become malnourished or more overweight if she only eats things she will accept until the summer ends in 2 weeks.

Irrelevant. It’s up to the individual Jew how practicing they are.

OTOH relevant, because he is the one who has studied kashrut so he should be making the effort. Conversion was important enough for him when he wanted to get married, but not important enough for him when he parents his own child?

Most important of all, over and above religious status or practice, he is the child’s father. He needs to step up.

You don’t need milk to make scrambled egg

DH knows more about this than you do plus it’s his child - he needs to be doing the cooking.

At the very least, he needs to buy the ingredients and write you a meal plan to follow.

The working long hours is a BS excuse.
I work long hours but as a single parent still manage to feed my DC.
No way would I expect a partner to be parenting my child for me.

It’s literally a few weeks of cooking for him, he’ll manage.

My children have complex (medical) dietary needs as well as selective eating for one due to autism-related reasons and I feel your pain because it’s hard work. Your husband should absolutely be helping more here. He can at least help you meal plan and shop even if he’s not always around to do some cooking.

But a big part of the problem seems to be your own children’s fussiness and not just the DS’s dietary requirements. If there is no medical or developmental reason for your children’s fussy eating then perhaps this is a good opportunity for them to try some new things?

Regarding things like SD’s annoyance if your children eat cheese, I would say she just has to live with that and get used to it. My kids have to deal with the fact that people around them eat things they can’t, and unlike religious requirements it’s not even something they can opt out of as they get older. They just have to accept it; yes it’s difficult sometimes especially with complex SEND but it is what it is and I wouldn’t expect all others around them to never eat cheese or ice cream or cake or anything else because they can’t have it. We find alternatives and make sure they have a treat if we’re having one but we wouldn’t just ban cheese for example. It’s part of their life and sadly they do have to accept it.

Presumably SD will go to school and clubs and mix with people who don’t observe the same diet? If not, it’s likely to happen in her future so she is going to have to learn to accept it, and if she doesn’t like it then she can choose not to follow the diet later on if she wishes.

Like others have mentioned, it's a bit odd that she has to wait 6 hours between meat and milk when she's allowed to eat at your house in the first place, but I guess each to their own.

We have spent the summer with orthodox family and it has been a challenge. Some of the kids are very fussy so it has definitely been tricky! But things like jacket potatoes with various choices of toppings or tacos (same idea with everyone choosing their own toppings) work quite well. It does sound like maybe the other children also need to accept that there won't always be meat available at every meal though 🙈

You're not unreasonable to be fed up with the mental load being all yours to deal with though. It's completely unfair and needs to be addressed. Him working surely doesn't mean he can't sit down and come up with a list of suitable meals for his child?! That's just him shirking all responsibility.

If you want suggestions for meals, let me know and I'll send you a list of meals that have worked for us. Alternatively, get your husband to ask his ex for meal plans she uses and see what might work for the rest of your family too.

Good luck!

I think you’re being a little unreasonable given a) that this is a short-term problem over the summer, b) what you say about your and your husband’s working hours, and c) that your own children’s fussiness is a big part of the problem.

I get it - I have a very fussy husband and an adult daughter who is vegan (she no longer lives with us, so life is now easier) but there are very few meals that both will eat.

I’m not going to add any menu suggestions as lots of others have done that, but one simple fix would be to substitute yeast flakes for cheese.

Make a sauce using oat milk rather than cow’s milk and then divide it into two: add cheese to one portion and yeast flakes to the other. Your DSD can also sprinkle yeast flakes on top of her pasta in the same way that everyone else sprinkles grated cheese.

I don’t like buying processed food but I also sometimes resort to vegan “meat”balls. They’re actually pretty good and my husband didn’t realise for ages that they didn’t have any meat in them!

Also you can use plant milks and spread OP. Scrambled eggs with soy milk is fine, margarine in a sandwich etc. vegan cheese even

This.

I know it's ignorance, but some prayers are dreaming Judaism as a religion only. There's a bit more to it.

OP I think you're doing a great job by being so respectful of DSD's religion. I think it's important to work around her dietary options. Otherwise you put her in a difficult position where she may have to be economical with the truth with her mother, and disregard her own religious requirements.

I think there are a couple of things you can do.

I. Serve up deconstructed meals - pasta with pouring cheese sauce, baked potatoes with a variety of fillings. She can then select the things she's allowed, and your kids can select the bits they like.

1. Get your husband to write a full list of meal options that work for everyone. If he won't even do this then you need to sit him down and read him the riot act.

And ignore the PP who are so critical of other belief systems. I'm horrified - but sadly not surprised - that there is so much intolerance of religion on MN.

Most Jews will eat meat after milk so long as it’s been over 3 hours.

https://www.kosher.com/recipes/category/mains/

Can you go through this site and tick off the meals that they will all eat?

I've got 3 with SN and it's tricky to cater. One is vegetarian, and the sensory issues means that what one will eat, others won't.

1. Yes your DH should do more.
2. Why are you letting the kids make this more difficult than it needs to be? If she can’t eat cheese because of her religion, that’s no reason your kids shouldn’t have cheese on their pasta (she’ll need to get used to this kind of thing). If you need to serve some meals without meat to make life easier, then your kids can put up with that for a short period.

@orangefoxsodaIMO what you are doing is considerate, respectful and caring. But I feel you’ve taken too much on.

Bit her dp is out at work very long hours putting a roof over their heads snd good onbtheir table.
For goodness sake please don't listen to the posters telling you to go against the requirements of her religious beliefs

He’s still Jewish, sorry. You don’t lose your Jewish status as a convert if you go in to marry a non-Jew. Converts are as much Jewish as someone born Jewish.

It is control when it is so inconsistent. Of course the step family need to respect the mum’s religious choices, but, equally, the mum has to accept the dad’s choices. Doesn’t MN always say that each parent in a separated family has to accept that choices and parenting may be different in each family?

They have to find a middle ground, but it is not the step mum’s job to try and make her home kosher according to birth mum’s interpretation.

I am Jewish and some of what you’re saying re her requirements is odd.

no need to wait 6 hours - 3 is the usual time (and many do 1 between dairy and meat).

Vegetarian cheese is fine (no Parmesan though).
if she’s so religious she needs to wait 6 hours, but not so religious she’s eating off plates etc that have served both meat and milk is strange.

What @Dilbertiansays basically, I was also brought up orthodox.

Also you can do lasagne - do a meat one and a veggie one - just don’t put the meat in one - use quorn.

Yes, she can, just not in the same meal.

I don’t make scrambled egg w milk. I also use a bit of oil rather than butter as I don’t eat much dairy.