Dependent sibling and elderly parents. What what happens when parents are gone?

Don’t bring up. This opens a can of worms. This is inserting yourself into their mess, and frames you as the person responsible for mopping up the mess in the future. You go about your normal life, when it goes badly wrong, which everyone knows it will, you don’t get involved. It’s hugely unfair of all of them to expect you to have to sort their mess out. You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it. You can’t change it. Detach.

You need to step way way way back now. Nothing is going to change with your parents already in their eighties. Until it does. That thing will be a health crisis. Probably in your parents due to age. I would continue to visit to keep the connection with your parents but when the inevitable house of cards starts to wobble, remain steadfast with your boundaries. Do not, no matter how tempting, be the fixer when this happens. Take a stance of a distant, curious bystander. When your parents pass, if the house is left 50/50 force the sale.

@Endofanerainourtime bring it up from your sister's perspective

• you don't want her to become homeless in the event that either parent needs care (when a house is required to be sold for care costs
• you think sister won't be able to cope with the responsibility of having a house, and if she were living in it with no deadline she wouldn't be eligible for any support services, because she'd be deemed to have an asset even though she has no spare money

• you don't think it would be good for your sister to have the pressure of 'buying you out' as she would have to do if you both have a share
• you don't think it would be easy for your sister to make decisions/deal with solicitors, better for it to all be instructed in advance

Just some ideas, but try to help them see that without taking some action it would lead to a really difficult dynamic for the two of you, which is to be avoided especially if they want you to be some moral support for your sister in future.

I think say just what you have said. It’s up to them what they put in will but they need to be crystal clear otherwise you are leaving a huge mess which will be stressful for those left behind and potentially waste money eg if the executor needs to take legal action to evict her.

Not exactly what you asked but really important to be considered now.

If they do not want her to live in the house once they pass they need to make that crystal clear in their will and add a clause that states that it must be sold within X amount of time after their death. I hate solicitors but if I were them I'd also make a solicitors firm the executor of my estate otherwise this could be a giant mess when they pass.

Tbh, I'm not sure this is a problem you can solve. So I'd focus on deciding what your reaction will be and what you will/won't do when this all falls apart.

I would be tempted to have one last conversation with your parents about this, and I would actually frame it as such when you speak to them. Then close the book, as you have done everything you can.

Ask them what they think will happen to your sister when they pass away? Do they think she could live independently? Give them any practical suggestions you have and tell them you will help with any admin etc to make it happen. Make it clear that you taking over from them is not a solution.

I don't think you should feel any guilt or obligation. This is a problem of your parents' making, as much as your sister's. They're being selfish. Even though it's damaging your sister, it's easier for them to keep things as they are, because they won't be here to see the fallout.

The problem is this is all far too late. They are caught in a cycle they are not willing to break. I am sorry to be harsh but once your parents pass on, she will squat in that house until her own death unless you force her out.

@Endofanerainourtime what is it that she can't do
You might find she can do it when there's no one else to do it

I think be clear about what you will do or not do. I’d probably write a letter then it’s clear.
Ask them to make sure their will is up to date and clear as to their wishes. Eg is they want house sold and 50/50. She may have some notion she’s entitled to stay or has more rights if she stays put now.

would your parents buying into somewhere where they can live next door to each other be a good step?

Honestly OP, the reality to expect is that if your parents haven't made her leave home yet they never will, and she'll either find a way to stay in the home or will be doing a sadface article on social media in a few years time about the injustices of the housing system because she's been kicked out.
One reason you don't see many women homeless is because they're more likely to find a man to move in with - I know that sounds sarky but it's true - women can be cocklodgers just as men can be, when they want someone else to look after them and bear the adult responsibility.

Have your parents considered downsizing to a retirement flat? If it’s a one bed 5ey won’t be able to have a guest stay with them?

Ditto. My sibling is very odd and clearly has undiagnosed mental health issues. He’s not a nice person either. My parents have tried so many times to get him out and each time, he’s chosen the most horrid accommodation, got himself into a mess and my parents have had to take him back!

It sounds like she'd actually be better off looking at some sort of supported housing when they go. I have a family member like this; they're in permanent 'victim status' (addiction related) and as much as they claim poverty, they don't actually want to be independent - they want other people to care for them.

For your own sake though, I'd try and find out whether theres any likelihood of her trying to keep your parents house, whether legally or illegally, so you're not trying to research that at a time you're grieving, or before then if there's the need to pay care costs.

Gosh this all rings true with my brother!

I would be interested to see if there is anything that can be done as myself and my siblings will be in a similar situation at some stage. The only difference is my sibling owns her own two bed house outright. She’s also a hoarder which my mum actually admitted a while ago. She used to go back to her own house to sleep but now mostly stays over with my mother most nights. She hasn’t had a job in years. She doesn’t have any heating in her own house as the gas has been turned off so she used electric heaters in the winter. Her shower and washing machine are broken so she uses my mums. The fridge has never been turned on so she eats in my mums after she gets up at about 12 midday. She has capacity which is a huge problem. She is also extremely unpleasant and argumentative. She would basically fight with her own shadow over nothing.

We are in that exact same position with my brother living with our parents. My brother does work though ( minimum wage).

Parents are trying to purchase him a property before they pass on. It’s not happened yet though.

I’m a long distance away and living with cancer. We have another sibling who won’t want any contact with either of us when our parents go. Parents absolutely do not want our sibling to be in the house when they go.

I would be very wary that if something happens to your parents, she would expect to live in the house forever

This will land on your doorstep unfortunately. Your parents are letting you both down badly here. I’d be very disappointed.

You'll always have a choice. Do you know what's in the will? Are you the only other sibling, and will the house be split 50-50? Would half the value of the house be enough to get her a smaller house or a flat?

Don't let her live with you, unless you want to be her carer when you're in YOUR eighties. You don't see retirement-age women sleeping rough; if all else fails, she'll be eligible for council housing.