People with kids: is my life actually easy compared to yours?

I am in awe of people who mix full time work, a social life and having children. I can just about manage my work and personal admin and it’s just me!

You can't compare. You have a lot on and much of it very stressful. Go easy on yourself and don't worry about anyone else's life!

I don’t think it’s useful to compare yourself to other people. As people have different levels of resilience and tolerance towards stress. My cousin seems to make and attract a lot of stress and powers through it like she thrives on it! I do not deal well with stress so make sure I’m focused on one thing at a time e.g moving house and nothing else can occur close to it like holiday or hosting nor attending an event. I’ve rescheduled a new bathroom installation for next year as my dad has an operation which is likely to go wrong 50/50. That way I can care for him and arrange a suitable care home this year. I try to arrange holidays during the summer holidays so I have time to get everything ready for it, without rushing about doing the school run. I try to tag all appointments at the end of the school day, so that it doesn’t eat into the weekends. I work part time hours to fit in the school run, dog walks also appointments. If you are overwhelmed by life and feeling stressed then it won’t help with pregnancy. You could leave it until you’ve completed the house move and your mothers matters are dealt with.

This puts a whole different light on it.
If you have a baby it won't be "how you feel now" plus a baby. It will be six to 12 months with 60 hours a week more time.
After you return to work your DH will be a SAHP so presumably taking on lots more than just childcare.

My advice is to park these fears and just get moved. It will seem better then.

My life is much busier and I’ve very little free time since having kids but I wouldn’t say it’s “harder “ than your life . I had a tough time conceiving my second and also had ivf and one late miscarriage . It’s not easy at all to go through all that. Had my second at 38. I hope you get some good news soon.

It's pointless to compare lives, and we normally make time (just about) for all the things we have to do and want to do.

Some people with kids think they are the only ones that can get tired. Obviously this is ridiculous. Some people without kids think parents have it easy, they don't work/hardly work and just sit around playing all day, unlike the child free who have important careers. (Kind of sounds like what your dh was saying). Obviously this is also ridiculous.

Don't underestimate the mental exhaustion of ttc. Tiredness and busyness are subjective. I remember being exhausted during covid when I was able to sleep as much as I wanted. I have had busy times when I've felt I haven't had a spare moment but I've been happy and fulfilled and energetic.

I'm curious why you are asking, are you reconsidering ttc? I think follow your heart. Your partner may be able to reduce hours, you will find a way if not. The day to day management can get ironed out during mat leave, don't overthink that now. Also if ttc is tricky I'm guessing you are looking at one child only? You can absolutely manage with one because everything is just a phase. The first year back at work is the toughest but even that depends on your baby. You could be one of those couples that put baby down at 7.30pm and enjoy dinner together every night and then have a good 8 hours themselves before getting up. Life must be a dream for them. Or you could have a poor sleeper and feel like the walking dead with your marriage and MH crumbling...but that too will pass. Most likely you will be somewhere in the middle with some better and worse phases. Don't let other parents negative experiences put you off if your heart wants to ttc. Good luck to you and DP

I would disagree because as far as I can see from the OP it’s not really her work that is causing her stress and worry. It’s the fertility journey and house move, and those are temporary issues.

OP children bring stress, worry and lots of work. They also bring great joy and fun.

If you have children you will have to make some changes to your life. Everyone does.

The fact that you are finding things difficult now is entirely irrelevant to how you will find things of you have children. Be kinder to yourself.

Being a Mother doesn't take magical powers or unobtainable qualifications.

In my experience the things you worry about before having kids turn out to be absolutely wrong things! 😆

Before children I felt I couldn't cope with life stress, felt the same after 1st, 2nd and now still feel I barely cope after 3rd child. I think you adapt to your life circumstances.

All 3 kids lives are perfect, clean ironed clothes every day, bathed / showered once or twice daily, school / kids clubs ontime, 5 fruits and veg a day etc etc .... me, I look like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards and my personal life admin is a mess..

You are perfectly within your rights to feel how you feel! x

Yeah your life is easier because unless you give up work, your life with kids is all of your life now plus children. So you need to throw in several years of sleepless nights, very expensive nursery fees, and reduce the time you have for yourself as this will be time you give to your children. Then holiday wise, you can still go on holidays but you won’t be able to relax on them for a good few years.

So yeah I’d say your life is easier. That’s not to say it is easy. Just less hard.

You just adapt. I was stressed and busy at work before kids; i was stressed and busy after. But with less sleep.

It was ridiculously hard work for about 8-10 years, but we're through it now. I went .9 for a while, so I could actually do my job effectively(teacher). I look back and wonder how we did it. Probably by letting lots of stuff slide.

Op I have 4 kids but the stress alone of what ye are both going through. Never compare, my life is chaotic, exhausting and now sad (mum health stuff and because of work and kids don’t get to her, also missing out on my kids because I work every weekend), but We all have our shit. Giant huge hugs to you, give yourself a break xxxxx

I’m in a similar place and I can tell you that your mind is doing this to try and make you feel like if things dont work out it’ll be ok, it’s tricking you into thinking you would find children too hard. Reality is you would be fine . Good luck with your treatment and ivf

You've had an emotionally draining time, it's no wonder you are exhausted. Are you considering stopping the IVF? You can have a fufilling, worthwhile and rewarding life without children.

Kids are tiring because of the sleep disruption but also because the unpaid work increases, that's why people reduce their working hours when they have kids or employ people, they aren't doing less work, it's just because the work shifts from paid to unpaid work. DH and I both went to four days a week when the DC were small, then both did two short days a week when they were at primary school before returning to FT work when DC3 started secondary. Kids went to nursery then wrap around care and we got a cleaner. But we still had more laundry, food prep, taxiing to activities and events, tidying (because more people in a bigger house), gardening. Even things that should be fun like days out, birthdays and Christmas come with more work. So your life has to change, the baby isn't an addition to what you currently do, it's at least partially instead of what you currently do.

But look after yourself, losing your Mum and having the crazy hormones associated with IVF is really hard. Good luck whatever you decide.

I’d say physically yes my life is harder than yours. I’m a single Mum to two young children and manage the house, sleepless nights etc while holding down a full time job. I am physically knackered all of the time and yearn for a rest.

However, I have been where you are. Multiple cycles of IVF. Multiple miscarriages, including first and second trimester. Trying to hold down a job… and that was without the pain you must be going through from losing your Mum. So emotionally you are understandably depleted because I remember the sadness I carried for years not knowing if I’d ever bring a child home. Please take some time for you, and I know it’s easy to say, but don’t use your annual leave to take a mental health break. This is what sickness policies exist for.

Wishing you well 🩷

Stress can be FAR more tiring than the busy, physical work with kids. Having kids can wear you out, but it's not the same sort of tired as worry and stress gives you. You get a bit of both with children, but mostly they give you back energy and love. I can usually find ways to enjoy my kids everyday, even when times have been hard or upsetting, and still do even now that two of them are big, hairy men!

I wish you the best of luck with ttc. I had my third "surprise" baby when i was almost 40. The pregnancy and birth were no harder than when i was in my 20s, yes i was physically a bit more tired, but in many ways i was a better parent. I wasn't trying to 'do it all', i was more appreciative of what i had, and i spent my time focussing on what was really important, rather than chasing my tail. It was a far more rewarding parenting experience. Best wishes to you xx

You sound emotionally exhausted. You have had to deal with multiple issues that are known to be most stressful inducing like losing your Mum. Never underestimate how that affects you even years later. Infertility is also very stressful. Moving house is one of the top stressors. It sounds like you need a month away from everything with no phone or internet relaxing on a lovely beach somewhere out of the way. You are dealing with too much imho.

I didn’t vote OP because it think you’re having a really hard time. It doesn’t matter if other people are having a harder time or not.

I also think that someone could also go through the things you’ve listed whilst also having children to care for - losses, secondary infertility etc.. But it isn’t a contest.

A therapist literally said to me ‘If you were in hospital and had lost a leg, but the person in the next bed had 2 legs would that mean I couldn’t feel sad about loosing your leg?’

Day to day life with kids when everyone is fit and well is probably easier than what you’re going through. But life with kids is just profoundly different to life without. Different doesn’t always mean easier or harder.

Your life sounds tough at the moment OP. IVF, health issues and bereavement is a lot. Go easy on yourself.