AIBU to stop keeping the children quiet after his late nights?

Just read your update. What changed when ds was one month old in that why does he do it now so often but not before?

Does he happily tell you the next day where he went at those times or is he cagey? It does sound a bit strange and worrying.

Tgey do tend to go out later and stay out later nowadays but that’s not the point. I’d not be impressed either with that frequency, but if you are going to be ok about him going out then there is no point in pressing him to tell you where he is at 4am. Either you are ok or you aren’t.

I’d certainly not be making any effort to quieten the kids in the morning though. Natural consequences and all that.

I remember reading posts on here where the OP would get called controlling if they had an issue with their partner going out.

It's controlling to tell your partner what they can and cannot do.

It's not controlling to expect your partner to be a present and capable parent.

You can't tell him what to do but you can tell him what you're going to do. You can say this is not what I expected when we decided to have a baby together. I did not expect you to be out until 6am and for me to have no idea where you are or what you are doing. I did not expect you to be unable to parent your own child the next day due to your drinking, drugs and all nighters. I am re-thinking the situation I am now in and whether it is worth continuing with this relationship.

He can then decide what he wants to do about that. He can change his behaviour and step up to his parenting role or he can carry on being a dead beat dad. It's his choice.

You speak. You wait. You watch. If nothing changes, end it. Or accept it. Whichever you prefer.

I'm not sure him staying elsewhere is actually better.

I think you need to wait until both calm again and have a proper discussion about it. I think staying out late isn't the worst thing once a month. I would want to know where he's going until the morning though.

It's quite important that he doesn't just brush off your concerns.

I never really knew how late he’d stay out before I lived with him

Was he like this before you got pregnant?

And people nowadays do stay out until 5?

No-one I know does, but I am older than you. DD is 26 and neither she nor her friends do either. Yet we all know how to have fun.

The trend these days is to go out earlier and go home earlier - bottomless brunches, afternoon drinking etc then public transport home because it is still running. Our local town centre is dead by 10pm even on weekends unless there is an event on.

I agree with other posters as well - they are definitely on coke to be up and about until 3-5am, without a doubt. Have seen it a lot in one of my social circles with mid 30s to late 40s men

Like hell is this acceptable! I would be putting a stop to the stay overs at my house immediately. No way would I want my DC to have to put up with drunk and hungover adult men taking up the house until noon twice per month.

Yes my husband will let me no what bar his in between moving bars ( not that he goes out often ) it’s just rube other wise . MN always surprises me with how inconsiderate some ppl ( Normally men are )

So he can behave like a grown up at work and when he has his older children but when it's just you, your kids and your joint child at home, he lives the life of a single man, binge drinking and getting home in the early hours of the morning and bringing his pissed mates back to your house?

He basically leaves the care of the baby completely up to you. Obviously, his excuse for this will be that you are breastfeeding but there is still a lot he could do to help with the baby but he doesn't want to do that. He sounds very disappointing.

He's not in his younger years though is he.

Yanbu and he's clearly taking coke.

But, yes, 5am when you have a young family is crazy!....and him not wanting to share where he's been is a big red flag

I've stayed out late in my younger years. Never did drugs. Not everyone is the same....

But you have a child together, his parenting responsibilities don’t stop with his two oldest.

Id have no real issue with a monthly night out, coming home at 4/5am and crashing in the public areas of the house is a big issue and I wouldn’t have my kids tip toeing round their own home to accommodate it. I’d also want a proper answer to where he is after the pubs close.

I’m a grown up with a responsible job, pay bills etc but I still like to go out and have fun

I think you have misunderstood my post @lookatmylife

he is behaving like a single bloke. The whole binge drinking and getting wasted thing is for those without parental responsibility. You have 3 kids in the house.

@SunnyRedSnail has summed it up pretty well here ^^

Neither of us gave up drinking, going out with mates and having fun. However, we weren't behaving like the OP's partner.

It is entirely possible to have fun and not stay out until 5 am.

So he is defensive, uncompromising, and acts shitty to you as soon as you express a reasonable need? That should tell you a lot.

I would not accept this behavior in a 39 year old man and his drink/drug mates. You will have 70 year old drunken mates sleeping over in 30 years if you don’t rethink this now.

OP Does he go to work and what does he do ?

😆

Poor children.
What a drunken loser.

When do YOU get time to go out with your mates?

@HelloAllHere he is behaving like a single bloke. The whole binge drinking and getting wasted thing is for those without parental responsibility. You have 3 kids in the house.

I wouldn't want my kids living in a house with someone who thinks its OK to grt wasted like that.

Massive turn off for me.