AIBU to rethink old friends after they reacted badly to delayed flight and prioritising my family?

We had similar with a friend suggesting fun meet up with the kids but then dropping out due to family. I do think in their case the turn around time was too tight really so wasnt about family.

This.

You were the rude one OP.

They're pretty self centred and unsympathetic aren't they? Tbh if this was me with a friend, when the friend said we'll still meet, I'd be saying you'll be exhausted let's reschedule. Of course you were trying to not affect their schedule, but why? You must have known you'd be tired. I wonder if you already know your friends are demanding/high maintenance and you were trying to avoid a fall out...

Nonetheless, I'd give it a few days and reach out to them. If they're still snappish then don't meet with them.

Sometimes, in the hardest of times for us, our true friends shine through....

It was unreasonable to schedule this meetup on day 2 of your visit given that delays do happen and even with no delay you would still have been zonked out on day 2 after such a long journey

It was HUGELY unreasonable to tell them you would honour the meetup initially, and then flake-out after reconsidering. You should have thought about it properly as soon as the delay happened.

They weren't unreasonable to say that they couldn't necessarily rejig their schedules to find a new time. You are not the main character in their lives.

Of course it's fine to rethink your friendships. Your priority is your own family and it's fine to stick with what works. Don't therefore put them under obligation to share those priorities.

Next time you visit, and on any subsequent occasions, you do the work to identify an appropriate venue, set aside a day that is in the middle of your visit - no earlier than day 5, and you let your friends know that they are welcome to join you there if it is convenient. Those who want to see you will, and no pressure on anyone who can't make it, and if it doesn't work for someone who wants to see you then hopefully it will work out as possible next time. All this drama is unnecessary but based on mismatched priorities so you need to reframe it to something lower pressure where there are no expectations or requirements. No one has to accept your proposal if they have other things to do.

It would have been fine to cancel at the point of the missed connection.

It was obscene to decide less than a few hours before meeting to cancel.

Do you realise the.efforts they must have gone to if your schedules can only line up with months of notice? And that they may have been compromising on the timing or venue to suit your flight?

I'm not surprised they're cross. But I am surprised they communicated it so directly. In their shoes, I'd have met with eachother and enjoyed it and then only agree to ad hoc plans when you're in town.

Has any part of you thought to just say sorry and learn and do better at any point over the years or is your reaction always to be defensive and find support for why you're a victim? It all sounds very whiny and "James is on my side. Mumsnet are (half) on my side. Why are my friends soooo mean! Poor me."

And this is the nail in the coffin.

You missed this vital part out of your original post and tried to garner sympathy with “elderly parents” and “not thinking clearly” and “so exhausted”… when the important part is that you’ve done this many times to your friends and they are rightfully fed up and done with you.

I would be too, but long before this. I have no time for unreliable people. They’re rude and thoughtless.

I initially told my friends that I could still meet them because I could take a taxi directly from the airport to the venue, which was only about 15 minutes away.
However, just before landing, I reconsidered. My parents were coming to pick us up,

So you told you friends you would get a taxi to them but also arranged for your parents to collect you?

Or was that just to collect your daughter?

Or you make various plans which will always mean that you cancel on someone?

Nails every thought I had.

You couldn’t even be bothered to read the OP’s two posts, I guess.

You have form for cancelling they have probably had enough. I appreciate you would be tired and if you gave that excuse fine but saying you wanted child to see family they have 2 weeks with is a little odd and sounds like you were making excuses

I have a friend who started being flaky. I made a lot of effort sometimes to meet up with her but I’m generally an easy going person and give people slack. One day I just had enough and made it clear it was the last straw. She apologised profusely and said she understood and wouldn’t do it again. I think she mistook my easy going nature with being a doormat. She now always turns up on time.

People often have to reorganise their lives to meet up with you. Don’t be that friend. Your time and effort isn’t more valuable than theirs.

Okay this changes things then

You're not prioritising family, you're prioritising yourself. That's up to you, and I totally get being exhausted in that situation, but people only have so much patience with flakiness and you could have foreseen how you'd feel as soon as you missed your connecting flight.

Your friends have had enough and are letting you know that they won't put up with you being flaky any more.

You're acting as though missing your flight was also out of your control, when you'd deliberately chosen a risky short time between flights - which is insane at Frankfurt (the most recent connecting flights I did in Frankfurt earlier this year involved 2 buses, a train and a half mile walk - all within the airport; it took me an hour and a quarter, and despite leaving 2.5 hours between flights it was still quite stressful).

If you want to keep your friends you are going to need to be more reliable.

She said she’s not known for being reliable?

Kindly, I hope you are OK. Because even reading this makes me feel exhausted.

Im with you OP as long as you haven't been flakey in the past.
I can see how you thought you could power through the situation but having the child with you changes things.

I've been friends with my group of friends forbetween 15 and 40 years. In that time of course things have happened and plans have had to change or be postponed on the very last minute but everyone understands. I missed my close friends 60th after it had been planned for a year and gave her very little notice, another time I was sat in a restaurant waiting for a different friend. She is always 10 to 15 mins late but after half an hour with no word I knew something was up. As she set off to meet me she got a call that here elderly mother had fallen down the stairs. Nobody fell out with anyone.

Things happen, good friends understand. You have been treated badly by them

I'm sure your friends will forgive you if you are able to give a sincere apology, and try to see it from their POV and the impact it had on them.

As a flaky person myself who is pretty disorganised and not good at time-keeping, even I can see why they were annoyed. You need to preplan travelling with precision, factor in delays and try to be proactive when things do go wrong, especially when plans involve others. It's rude to be cancelling things so last minute, especially if someone is putting themselves out for you. They will be feeling second best if you say family first (my DH seems to like that stance, I find it slightly odd at times, especially when some of his family don't reciprocate!).

Eventually, people get fed up of the waiting around to be cancelled on last minute. I've been guilty of it in the past, and occasionally still am. The key to being a sensible, thoughtful adult is not messing people around too much, apologise if you do, and be mindful of their time and effort taken to plan.

Lots of good replies here, take heed of the advice.

Nothing more annoying than people who come to visit when everyone else is working, you take time out to meet them and then they cancel. Your friends are right to say that they can meet individually but finding a collective date may not work.

I say this as an Asian person living in the West with an 18 hour journey home…you could have left the daughter with the grandparents and popped in to see the friends? But going from the airport to this was always unrealistic.

And if your flight was that delayed you had plenty plenty of time to drop your friends a quick text.

I suspect the others are right and your friends have had enough of your flakiness and since you are now the ‘visitor’ they don’t feel the need to accommodate this.

Even before this information I was team friends, because it’s shitty to cancel at short notice and add on the unnecessary spiel about prioritising family which just sounds like they’re an afterthought to you. But if you’re repeatedly unreliable you just sound like a bad friend and I’m not surprised they’re sick of you.

Well there you bloody go.

The title reads "AIBU to rethink old friends after they reacted badly to delayed flight and prioritising my family?"

It should read "Are my friends being unreasonable to have had enough of my flakiness"

And the answer, is no, they are not neing uinreasonable to have had enough of you chopping and changing arrangements, inconveniencing them and flaking out at the last minute.

You've made quite a lot of bad decisions and now you've lost these friendships

Mumsnet hates the unreliable - I think they sometimes are just people with more on or who struggle to arrange things. I would have a lovely night with the friends and happily see someone on a different night after a flight delay. I couldn’t care less if friends shift things round. That said if you have been flakey before just suck it up and consider that your friends feel hurt - say you love them and want to see the. But we’re just over whelmed after the delay. Talking about prioritising family is rude - it means you are less for therm which while true is rude. Thank lovely Names for his support. Be humble and see if your friendship can be saved.

I think you should have apologised and your behaviour is very childish. It was ludicrous to arrange to meet them on the day of travel. Your child and yourself were bound to be tired whether you missed the connecting flight or not. They have arranged to meet you with their families so there kids would be present.They"ve more than likely had to plan to arrange this so it is an inconvenience for everyone. I would have been understanding but I too would have said lets meet separately as coordinating schedules with 4 separate families is much harder than 2. If you are there for 2 weeks then 3 half days out to meet friends really wouldn't have been so much time away from your parents. It isn't all about you. Friendship requires compromise.