Aibu to be hurt?

Bizarre. I just don’t think it’s a biggie at all! I’ve been married 18 years and if my DH’s family were paying for a holiday without me I just wouldn’t care. I would care however if the other siblings were taking partners, because you’ve then been singled out, but they’re not.

So it’s the in-laws, the kids and grandkids. Lovely! It will be really nice for all of them.

It’s mental to me that posters are saying how will you ever forgive him! What?? For going on hols with his Mum and Dad? With younger siblings that are only in their twenties?

OP hasn’t said what sort of holiday it is, yeah I’d be pissed off it was a 5* hotel in Barbados - but if my DH was off caravanning with the kids and his parents were paying I’d be thanking god I was NOT invited.

Yes, especially if DGS pipes up so how come your Mum is family but my Mum isn’t!?

I’d be making it very clear that if they don’t consider me family, then they’ll reap what they sow. Christmas & birthdays/anniversaries are for family & I wouldn’t be spending any of those times with them. Make it clear to DP that by going, he’s agreeing to their idea of you not being family & that division will last forever. If 7 years together & birthing their dgc isn’t enough to get you family status then you never will be.

DP has let you down by not immediately refusing any “family” holiday that doesn’t include you. He’s choosing to reinforce their thoughts on you & I’d struggle to forgive him for that.

Exactly! I bet if OP's DP's siblings did have partners, they wouldn't be pushing for a 'birth family only' holiday.

It's also incredibly hypocritical of OP's DP to agree to this on the grounds that OP isn't 'family' when she treats his child from a previous relationship like her own child even though they aren't blood related. He would no doubt be furious if she insisted on excluding her step-son from family outings etc. He can't have it both ways.

I wouldn't be able to get past this! Does your DP even care about what a horrible week it would be for you? You would be missing your little boy and stuck at home on your own!
It will always be there, even in years to come, most people wouldn't be able to get over it. I would insist your child stays with you as it would be to upsetting to be without him for a whole week. Plan sone lovely things to do with him.

The thing that swung it for me was that the other two siblings aren’t taking partners and they are only in their twenties. Still fairly young - so to keep the family dynamic, it’s easier if you stay home and your in-laws take their kids and grandkids on holiday.
Having you there will change the dynamic - another mother, another matriarch figure. Your in-laws are paying and they want to be head honchos for the holiday - that’s the impression I get anyway.

This is disgusting, and a really nasty thing to say.

Imagine saying to a woman “Oh it’s easier if you just stay home so we can have a nice holiday with your partner and young child”. I’d say that’s bullying!

Thanking my lucky stars my family are totally different to you.

This! It will feel odd to most children. Mummy isn’t being invited - the only one excluded. He’ll think that she has been naughty or that the others don’t like her. Or he’ll learn over time if this is repeated that she is inferior or less worthy perhaps unless you can be very careful explaining this and handling it sensitively and robustly.

Yes it is! Fil and mil are partners

First of all I thought it was outrageous, but then after reading your whole post I did vote that you were being unreasonable. The thing that swung it for me was that the other two siblings aren’t taking partners and they are only in their twenties. Still fairly young - so to keep the family dynamic, it’s easier if you stay home and your in-laws take their kids and grandkids on holiday.

Having you there will change the dynamic - another mother, another matriarch figure. Your in-laws are paying and they want to be head honchos for the holiday - that’s the impression I get anyway.

If the relationship was always a bit tense, I would think there is an underlying problem. But if you normally get on well I would just assume that they want one last holiday with just them and their kids and grand kids.

If were me I would be delighted to have the house to myself and know that my child was having the time of his life.

This is how single dads holiday and I’d tell him that and if he goes then he is single because if I’m not family I will never ever host his family, invite them to my dcs birthday parties, Christmas or any other holidays nor go there again. A dinner with just the parents dh and his brother, sure. A dinner with just dh, his brother and your child? Nope. That’s my child. And a whole holiday? Fuck off forever.

Im sorry but if my husband agreed to this and left me behind because im not “family” he wouldn’t have a home to come back to!

It sounds as though BIL still see's himself as a child and he is happy to have a 'family' holiday with just 'his' family ?

The damage is done. No undoing this, you can’t possible go now, knowing you are not wanted. You may choose to swallow it whole and it reads as if you will try but it will choke you and resentment will build.
One member of that family decided to fracture what you had and they’ve played a blinder. DP doesn’t love you enough to accept your POV and that’s sad but this situation has shone light on the reality. Sorry OP 💐💔

Your 4 year old will not resent you 😕 for taking him away with you instead… and I think this is what you should threaten…

but your have a partner problem. you seem in this man’s thrall and have somehow developed a belief that only ‘blood’ matters - nonsense

his parents/siblings for whatever reason don’t see you as family. You can see from the responses on here that most people think that’s crazy but it wouldn’t matter if your partner had your back.

Why does he think this is okay?

It sounds as if he doesn’t see your little family as his family so where does that leave you … his housekeeper, nanny and sex worker I guess …

in your shoes i would be going nuclear…making it very clear that if this holiday goes ahead as planned your shared child will not be going and will never go anywhere overnight without you until he is a teen, you will refuse to attend any future events with the ILs (fuck them) and I would also tell him that you might have to reconsider any mothering you provide to your DSS seeing as he’s not actually your family (actually I probably wouldn’t do that last because why punish a child for his dad’s dickish behaviour - still it’s a point worth making if you want to show him why his parents are wrong)

OP has stated that the siblings don’t have partners.

Why should she gleefully wave her partner and young child off on a holiday that she is excluded from? Why?

Yanb I'd be really hurt. If they wanted a last family holiday just the siblings and grandchildren then they should have been upfront and said to you, we love you, we just want this last hurrah before x and x get partners/kids etc, next time we'll do a big holiday with everyone - then you'd know and understand. (But equally as mother of grandchild you should be treated as family)

Looking at it from other side, i guess once everyone gets partnered up its no longer just the little old family unit and that is sometimes nice? I had meet up with my parents and brother for something specific and we went for dinner- without our partners and kids and it was really nice - like old times.

If the other two siblings aren’t taking partners then I think it’s fair enough. I would relish the time alone.

I would wave them off gleefully.

None of these things are the same as being deliberately excluded from a WHOLE FAMILY holiday though?

My husband and I do plenty of things separately but if his entire family planned a holiday and left only me out I’d be devastated.

It's really rude and I would be offended in your position. I absolutely accept my DC's partners are part of our 'family', even if they haven't always become life-partners. Some of them I haven't liked as much but still tried to welcome. After 7 years it must taint a lot of memories of events when you thought you were all getting along well, with mutual respect and admiration.

DGS and DGSS are not part of the original family unit either so that’s not the arrangement is it.
Additions to the original unit are acceptable, just not OP

Only family? So who are you? Bloody servant? Make major fuss and tell them they are mentally ill. Tell your dp he must be mentally ill to relay this shit to you. This is vile.

I have read some shocking things on this site, but this situation stands out as awful. If your DP goes and takes DS how will you ever forgive him, won't it taint the relationship.

It’s totally fine to want to do things with just your child and grandchildren without a partner there. But there’s a time and a place. A day out? Fine. A little weekend away? Yeah, probably ok. An entire holiday it’s not ok.

It’s obvious where DP gets his spinelessness from, given PIL have sent the younger brother out to be the bad guy.

I’d be hurt if I was the OP. I would still let my DC go. But it would be gloves off from there on in. Mother’s Day? Nope, that’s mine and they aren’t family. Birthdays? Not family so I don’t have to invite them or go see them. I’m sufficiently petty I’d be making other plans for all those times now. Christmas? Fuck right off, why would I want to spend Christmas with people who aren’t family. And I’d make your partner very, very aware that this is how it will be going forward. If they’re not your family, they’re acquaintances and you only need to treat them as such.

I also think you need to ask DH how he is going to explain/justify mummy not being invited to your DS and DDS. "Mummy isn't part of the family" is going to be an interesting one.

I honestly think this would be my reaction too. I don’t think I’d be able to get past this.