Aibu to be hurt?

Make you view crystal clear

then book a solo holiday

Another one exactly the same as the step daughter one!!..

PIL are planning a big family holiday, OP assumes that means everyone, turns out her eldest daughter is not invited.. but it's the BIL that has told them that. No one will question it with the in laws, so it's a post full of second guessing, JUST like this one.

Why can't you just relay what BIL has said to the in laws and ask them directly if that is their plan?. It sounds to me like it's your BIL and your DH who don't want you to come...

Why would you in laws plan a big family holiday, book a family room for 4 people, but only invite 3 of your family, and not specifically say anything about you not being invited. Just grow some balls and ask you PIL directly, all this second guessing reasons why is just stupid.

I agree with this and several other PPs.

If you aren’t family enough to be included in something special like this, very pointedly and being separated from your small child for a week then that has implications for everything else.

They aren’t family - so you don’t need to remember their birthdays. They aren’t family - so you don’t need to buy their Xmas presents. They aren’t family - so you don’t have to make time for them at Christmas. They aren’t family - so don’t waste precious time and energy on them.

(I wouldn’t let my 4yo spend a week away from me for any non- emergency reason I can think of for what it’s worth.)

I would actually be happy to get some time to myself. And I don't think there's anything wrong with a family trip like this, without spouses. You're not glued to your husband, he's allowed to do things without you.

What is it with women on this message board who try to coerce their husbands to "say something" on their behalf to their in-laws? If you have something to say, say it yourself. You can't claim to be close to your in-laws, but then not have the guts to actually speak to them.

Yes, and that’s why I said she needs to speak to them and explain that even though it wasn’t their intention, this is how it felt to her.
Theres really no reason why her partner needs to advocate for her. She’s made a point of saying that her PIL are lovely people and she gets on well with them. This isn’t a situation that needs to be awkward or confrontational.

And I also want to point out that there’s nothing wrong with them wanting to do what they’re suggesting. But if Op feels left out and upset then she should speak to her family and not get herself all whipped up with the mouth frothers on here.

People are very funny about who they see as 'family'. GC = family. Mother of GC = not family. Bizarre. You are blood related to their GC and in a long term relationship with their DSon.

Honestly I think you have a DP problem if he thinks his DPs not seeing you as family after 7 years together isn't unkind, exclusionary, divisive, mean, belittling, demeaning.

My ILs at my wedding whisked DH away for photos with 'their' family. I've never forgotten it. I had just married into 'their' family, name change included. It sends messages and it creates barriers and division. They only had up photos in their house of our wedding with 'their' family. None including the bride. If it had happened earlier in the relationship I would very much have had words with DH. I mentioned the photos issue and he got a photo of us as a the wedding couple printed and framed as a Christmas gift for them. It ended up in the guest room but that was fine by me!

I absolutely don’t understand your IL’s attitude on this. My family consists of DSs, their DWs and DP. They are my family. When my DH was dying they all rallied round. My DS’s DP spent hours at the hospital with DH. She didn’t say, he’s not my actual family.

I just don’t get it OP.

I don't think it's over the top to say if OP isn't considered 'family' after all this time and producing a grandchild into the family to boot, ten she's out. Entirely.

You're not family then ?

As a previous poster says that absolves you from a shit ton of stuff in the future.

Who facilitates Christmas birthdays etc, are you family then when you're doing the donkey work (if you do)

It is not "the in laws".
If you're not married they are just your partner's parents.

You have different views on what constitutes family. That is fine, your partner has to do the negotiations between his wider family and his home family.

(And arranging anything, and birthday cards, and Xmas stuff etc.)
He is in a difficult position, as are you. You and he need to do the negotiations on where your boundaries and lines in the sand are. He sees you as his family. He sees them as his family, he just doesn't necessarily see you ALL as one family.

They, however, don't care a teeny tiny bit, because, to them, you are not family at all.

Your in-laws have decided that because their other two children (who I assume are younger) don't have partner's, then your partner can't bring you along?! Don't your in-laws understand that once your partner got together with you, and had a child, then their family dynamics have changed??! Your partner is no longer single! He has a partner he lives with, and children!!

The fact your children are going, but you're not, makes the whole situation even worse in my book! If the children are going, what does it matter if you do too?!!

I would be extremely hurt and upset. Your husband needs to step up and say No to the trip away, unless you're invited. By not doing so, he doesn't have your back.

Why shouldn’t OP speak to them herself? This attitude is so ridiculous. She’s a grown woman. She’s known them for seven years. She gets on well with them and thinks they’re lovely. SHE is the one who is upset and would like to understand. Grown ups in this situation do not need a go between.

And as for your comment on my situation - that was to add a little bit of perspective in a sea of outrage. I didn’t use it to minimise her feelings, and in the context of my whole post, it should’ve been clear that wasn’t my intention. It was to help her see that, while she was upset, that very, very likely wasn’t the intention of her PIL, and that for some people it’s just something that they do. It’s not meant as a sly dig, or an opportunity to tell OP she’s not family. Again, that is why she needs to talk to them and give them an opportunity to explain and heal her upset, instead of listening to people on here who are deliberately trying to stir the pot.

Sorry OP but I would not be seeing or lifting a finger for these people after this. I’m not normally petty but this would set me off.

also my DH is far from perfect but absolutely zero chance he would agree to a family holiday where I want invited. It’s fucking insulting.

I can’t believe your partner is accepting the terrible way his family is treating you.

I would be booking myself a nice little holiday for myself somewhere abroad with a nice beach. See how he likes that

@notpartofthefamily

I would be fucking FUMING! And not just at the cruel insensitivity of the in-laws …. mostly at your partner!! What standard does that set, going forward? What message is that giving your child? Your partner sounds like a weak man who has most definitely not got your back.I would lose respect for him & would have the major ick. What a dick!!!!

So this whole talk about ‘family’, how would your partner feel if you treated your DSS differently, not like ‘family’ … ask him that.

Normally I'd be agreeing with this BUT there's a 97% consensus vote and so many similar replies here from randoms who usually enjoy fighting amongst themselves. That should signal there's a real issue that needs to be addressed.

Whether OP goes to some of the extremes discussed is up to her, but sitting on her hands is obviously not the right thing to do.

Nor is allowing DS to go without her - because that week would be absolute hell to live through, alone with thoughts. A solo spa week isn't going to stop the little cogs of doubt from turning I'm afraid, it's more likely to heighten cortisol levels than decrease them.

This is the kind of thing that rips families apart because there are some family qualities about to be broken here, between any and all of the three parties: OP, DP, ILs: trust, respect, loyalty, support, communication, and whether forgiveness is possible.

Agreed. I couldn't imagine my parents doing this to any of my sister-in-law's. And to top it off, having the audacity to assume they can take her child and leave her home alone.

The way they got her to consent was super sneaky....they framed it all as family holiday for all. It was only after they agreed as a family that she found out she actually wasn't invited.

Op, they see you as a soft touch. Start building your self-worth.

Also they’ve seen his relationship break down before, with a child. Now they have that women in all there pictures.

I am sick of seeing the myriad of my families Ex’s in all my pictures because of course we couldn’t possibly take a picture without them. Because they’d feel left out.
10 years ago you could be done with them for good and never speak to them again like his ex.

I can’t see the problem tbh. If my DH took our child on holiday with his family I’d be delighted and see it as a week to do something for me.

Sometimes people want to be with the family they’re born from there’s nothing wrong with that. We had a family holiday and DH and my brothers wife were invited too and paid for by my parents. I’d have been happy to go without him. He’d have been annoyed to miss out on a free holiday but asides from that he wouldn’t care.

it is what it is. Stop making your dp feel bad - it’s not his fault your family wouldn’t do it, my DHs family would never either. If they do it every year so be it. It’s your week off. Enjoy. Go to a spa or something. Have the time of your life. Do the things you never do.

LIVE.

we didn’t know if we could all afford a family holiday this year and my DH and I weren’t bothered about which of us went as long as DC got a holiday. No big deal. Let your son enjoy that side of his family without you. It doesn’t mean they don’t care for you, I’m sure they do. Not everyone has to be at everything.

I’d be going on a lovely trip on my own , kid free! Amazing!

So it’s the in-laws, the kids and grandkids. Lovely! It will be really nice for all of them.

See I find this really bizarre. Imagine a family having a lovely and really nice time whilst the OP is home alone, feeling hurt and excluded, away from her young child and partner whilst they’re all having a nice time.

It just screams that they’re thoughtless and spiteful.

Not sure why you aren’t holding your DP much more accountable here because how can he be ok with this. If you accept this from him then you have absolutely NO leg to stand on having a problem with the IL doing that.
and one thing is for sure, if they exclude you on this they will be for sure doing this Time and again
Do you want to come on here at Christmas crying about how they had Christmas dinner without you?

You seem far too passive about your dp.

This is really tough. I wonder if it's because the two of you are not married and they are trying to make your DP take your relationship more seriously and that's why he won't talk to you about it.

I think the issue that is worth your time and energy is with you and your DP here. You said you aren't married as you don't want to share money. To me that says you aren't committed to each other forever. As if you were you would be happy to share money 50:50 or make an agreement about the money and get married. Maybe that's not what you think or feel, but I imagine that could be why the in laws aren't taking you seriously, after all he already has one ex he has a child with.

The fact that he is happy to go without you when you are upset gives me the most concern. I would not be happy with this. Yes you could have viewed it as a nice week for yourself to do something fun but you don't feel that way and he should stand up for you as you should be more important to him than his parents. That coupled with the not sharing money thing makes me think his parents see something you don't, that he is not that committed to you after all.
I would let them go and spend the time reflecting on your relationship, if everything else is good in your relationship then you can let this go and enjoy the break from childcare. But if it's not and this is another sign of his lack of commitment, you can re-evaluate and decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in or if you would be better off without. Some relationships are worth the work but you both have to care enough to do the work and if he doesn't care is that what you eant? You are still pretty young if you ar in your 30s.

Sorry if that's too much of a ramble, I guess the TLDR is is this just one thing in an otherwise great relationship or is this a sign of other problems that indicate he is not that committed to you. Only you know that.