Aibu to be hurt?

I think you'd like to believe that everything is great and you're a family, but you don't even trust one another enough to get married and share your finances. This extends further than just a family holiday issue, I feel. If my husband did that, I'd tell him not to bother coming back.

Normal behaviour is a partner taking your side 100%, all of the time and not allowing you to be excluded. He sounds more like a cocklodger.

This entire situation is bizarre and not normal. No way would I allow for these standards of treatment. Stand up for yourself and stop looking for justification of his behaviour by asking the 4% who say you're unfair. There is no justifying this.

this is awful! You're the mother of one child and parent to the other. Really cruel unless there's a back story.

How utterly ridiculous!! I could sort of understand if it was a large family and all had partners and they didn’t invite partners because of the cost (still wouldn’t agree that’s it’s right) but this is one person! In the grand scale of things the cost of one extra person is negligible!!
I really think you DP shoukd back you up and refuse to go!! He is enabling their poor behaviour!!

That's incredibly hurtful op, but I think the damage is done, would you even want to go now, as an afterthought.
I do think you have a dp problem, and he should have spoken to fil not just accepted his siblings take on the matter and he should have nipped this in the bud before you were even made aware of it.
I don't think I would stop my ds going, but I would definitly sign my Christmas card, lots of love from dp, dss, ds and the incubator 💐

This is awful of your ILs but also your DP!

Not being family because you’re not blood is a terrible distinction to make when you are living with a child who isn’t related to you by blood. How will they explain this to DSS without drawing that comparison to his relationship to you? Surely they’ll be teaching him he is less important in your household because he isn’t related to both adults. This is not what makes a family. Your DP needs to have this conversation with his DP.

I always think it’s good for each partner to spend time with their parents/siblings without the other partner there all of the time. The dynamics can be different when partners are there so it’s good for your partner to have time with his side of the family.
I think if this was a woman going on holiday with her parents and siblings with children it would get very different responses on here.

I'm a mother of adult children, grandmother and Mother In Law. There's a different atmosphere when it's 'just' your own children and not their partners and I love seeing my offspring (and theirs) on their own. But, as I also love all my DILs and SILs I would NEVER go off on holiday and leave them behind. I might go as far as a visit to a coffee shop without them, but that would be all. Because it's not about ME and how much I love my kids - it is also about my kids and how much they love their partners.

Wanting to exclude partners for a 'family' holiday does rather feel like wanting to be Queen Bee again.

This. Op is hurt being excluded from time with her child. She doesn't want to be given a child free week

Thats the line,

@notpartofthefamily I'm sorry if this has been addressed already (I have read the full thread but it's very long and I might have missed it), but has your partner actually heard this from his parents or only his brother? Why is his brother organising it? Have the parents simply stumped up for it and handed over the organisation to him? In which case, is it him who hasn't invited you because he doesn't see you as family? Does he have any beef with you?

Why won't your husband speak to his father about it? They must get on ok if they have such a tight family unit.

Well "the family" can just crack on then. Assuming you are still together when his DPs are older and need taking to appointments, need support or help your DP better be ready because you're not doing it. And up until then don't bother with them.

My ex was all about the family and they would make such a fuss over some of their DCs partners but never me. It didn't matter what happened in my life, I didn't matter. And then lo! All the family left to the four corners of the world and never helped him once. Oh well.

Seems arbitrary deciding that certain genetics allows you into the holiday group. How about families with adopted children, step children, new partners who are not the biological mum or dad, new partners of grandparents etc. very uncomfortable definition of family. Also when an old nuclear family whose children have now grown up and made their own families insists they are still the primary family, it’s odd. You, DH and children are the primary family here. Grandparents are peripheral.

I agree with this.

All the siblings are going away with their parents. One sibling has two children so they are invited. You don't appear to have a close relationship with the other siblings which makes it a totally different dynamic.
I’m wondering if the other siblings maybe feel they can’t be themselves around you?
i don't get the mumsnet hysteria over this.

I’d tell your DP that you’ll be stopping doing things for your DSS now. After all he’s not your family is he. It works all ways.

The vital part here - "all parties are perfectly happy with the arrangement".

Well OP is quite rightly not happy, because she has been unilaterally EXCLUDED so in no way the same and therefore totally irrelevant 🙄. Try a bit of actual empathy.

THEY haven't though have they.. BIL has and DH is agreeing with it and refusing to check.

The only people confirmed to be excluding OP from this trip at this point is BIL and DH.

It's like watching a tv show where most of the drama is created just because the main characters don't talk to each other about anything that is happening. It's so annoying and frustrating.

Why anyone does this in real life is beyond me, why would you be such a wet blanket in your own life story?

I agree its a two way street and they've just created a clear line in the sand xx

You might be happy with this scenario. But the OP clearly isn’t. She is hurt.

What is it with women on this message board who think just because they would be happy doing something then every other woman should be the same.

The OP doesn’t want time to herself. She wants to be included in a family holiday with her partner and CHILD!

Can’t believe some of the responses on here. Like the OP should be grateful for being excluded and not considered.

This is place is FUCKING BAT SHIT

This is so true. I didn’t get married, I am financially independent and thought I was being modern. But now the relationship has failed I am finding I am stuck in a shared house that he won’t sell. My options for dissolving the relationship and sharing finances are much more difficult when we don’t have the option of divorce.
I also agree about how this reflects on your status in the family, ie none

Totally this.

it’s weird enough having a holiday for their old nuclear family - turning back the clock. And that would be annoying and leaving you with the children to take care of. But to include the children and specifically leave you out is unbelievable. It sounds like some weird medieval royal thing.

Are you sure your bil isn't stirring and has told his parents you DON'T want to come? I think you need to speak to them calmly and find out.

Based on what they say take it from there?
My concern if it's true is where does it end. There was a truly awful thread on here a while back of a lovely lady who had married a chap with with grown up kids and grandkids that she was expected to look after, clean and cook for. But she was excluded from xmas meals, big birthday meals for kids as she "wasn't family". Unfortunately she had allowed it to go on for many years and I think what people are saying if that you are "not family" you need to cut your cloth and draw boundaries.

I’m fascinated by all these people who would be delighted to pack their 4yo off for a week without them. With people who don’t like or consider them family. Very interesting.

Im really surprised by these replies.

I have heard of loads of families going on holiday without their partners.

There is a different dynamic when it’s just certain family.
I’m sure you feel this way when you visit PIL.
The dynamic isn’t better or worse, it’s just different.

I would be absolutely fine with this and be looking forward to having a couple of weeks alone to relax.

But some families are just like that. You can marry in, or stay on the outside.

To his family OP is the mother of their grandchild. So is his ex.