Aibu to be hurt?

Absolutely, you can do what you like. But actions have consequences.

I wouldn’t even leave out my sons girlfriend and they aren’t married, have no plans to marry, no kids, no guarantee they’ll still be together by Christmas, but now, today, she’s a part of our family!

The OP is the only person being left out. If a family need to be so penny pinching that one more makes a difference as to whether or not they can afford it, then they shouldn't be going on holiday. I wouldn't dream of leaving out my children's partners and my children wouldn't dream of leaving behind a partner to sit on their own for a week.

But you can (eg) have a holiday and not invite the in laws.

And the in laws can (eg) celebrate Christmas, birthdays etc and not invite you.

I don’t really see the difference tbh.

Well, if the daughter-in-law or the son-in-law is the sort of person who would reject us just because of that then it is their problem not ours and there is nothing we can do about it.

You can't go around tiptoeing around people who take offence at things like this.

Yes they do because some people enjoy being offended.

There is nothing wrong with what her in-laws are doing and I'm sure that it wouldn't be an issue if there was more than one partner.

I can't believe that people are encouraging the op to stop her 4-year-old from going or even threatening to break up the marriage if her husband does not speak to his parents and say that she has to come.

So many people on here just like drama.

Anyone can do anything. But then you run the risk of your DIL or SIL rejecting you as family members.

Is that what you want? You don’t include them, and leave it all wide open for them to not include you?

But like I already said, anyone can do anything 🤷‍♀️.

@MustTryHarderAndHarder
The thing is 96% of this poll disagree
Read the room!!

Of course we can book a holiday and just invite our children and grandchildren.

Having partners there also changes is dynamic as well as it costing a lot more.

The Op's husband said he wouldn't mind if her parents did the same thing.

@MustTryHarderAndHarder Then don’t book a holiday!!……
Book a day out somewhere, but don’t exclude people!! Surely you can see how this will lead to resentment and hostility.
Leaving people out just leads to trouble, however much you try to justify it, the ‘injured’ parties will always feel injured, and there’s no going back or apology that can make it right.

I think I could understand it if it was just the IL's and their children and they were looking to recreate the type of family holiday they had when the siblings were children but as two if the siblings don't have partners or children and both the OP"s partner children are going it means OP is the only one being left out. I wonder how some people can be so insensitive.

I would be very very hurt by this & it would absolutely change my relationship with the ILs going forward. There’s been lots of good, & not so good, advice, I hope it helps you clarify things in your mind as to a way going forward 💐

You ARE family! You are the mother of their grandchild and you are part of their sons family unit:

If I was in this situation and my OH didn’t defend me, I would refuse to let my DS go and when my OH got back we would both have moved out. This would end my relationship.

Worse than them not seeing you as family, your OH is agreeing with them!!

I still think you should speak directly to your FiL, even if it's just to voice to him how hurt this is making you feel. So far, everything has be related to you through your BiL and DH. You've no idea what the reasoning behind it is or whether anyone has even communicated to your FiL how it is making you feel an outsider. I know you said you didn't want to do this as you wouldn't want to go if they didn't really want you there. But if you speak to FiL at least you get the chance to let him explain why he's set these parameters and for him to hear you. It doesn't have to be you begging him to change his mind. It may well be that he thinks you fine with it and think it's a very reasonable arrangement. If so, it will probably be replicated in the future. I think it's important that you establish now why they are doing it and then once you hear their reasoning, either accept it or protest against it. Right now, all you are doing is making assumptions about motives and about why your DH isn't sticking up for you. That's not going to be very a healthy feeling to carry forward in your relationships.

I think the problem is that you are the only partner.

We have 3 children who all have partners and 5 grandchildren.

I can see us inviting our 3 children and grandchildren and not the partners as it is much more expensive for food and drink even if the accommodation is the same cost.

Perhaps they are thinking that if they invite you this time then they would have to invite the partners of their other children in the future.

I am sure that you would not feel left out if your DPs siblings had long term partners.

Can you describe other areas of exclusion?
What happens at Christmas?dps birthday?
Dcs birthday?
Your dp doesn't sound vey dear...
We had a big family holiday.

My , dh , dd +bf not living together
Dd +bf plus dc..living with us
Ds without gf and a younger sibling.
Back away and never see them again. After all they aren't your family. Dp can buy every card and gift himself..

They just want the original birth family to get together. I think you should accept this as a one-off - a family get together for the parents and their DC. As your partner’s siblings are single, it may be that his parents see all 3 as still more connected to their birth family than the families they’ve made.

And you’ve only been with your partner for 7 years, compared with the 20+ years your PiLs have had their DC.

Just be gracious about this.

I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already been mentioned, but would your son wonder why you aren't there? And if he asks, what would the answer be?

I think you're trying too hard to see pils and your DH point of view here. What they are doing is unacceptable and very hurtful. You should be invited, not inviting you is just rude. The 'you're not family doesn't stack up' - it's just an excuse to exclude.
Your problem really is your DH. He needs to make it clear to them how unacceptable this is and that you either all go or none. That he would even consider allowing this is outrageous.
For context, my pils don't particularly like me (and I return the sentiment) but we get along as polite adults most of the time. They would try this kind of shit if they could I'm sure, but my DH isn't a spineless idiot and he wouldn't allow it. They know this.
Your DH needs to have your back. Letting his family treat you as an outsider isn't caring about you or his sons. It's letting them bully you.

I wouldn’t stop them going but I’d make it clear that I was hurt and not happy about it. I wouldn’t put on a brave face for them (the in laws, not the children).

I think it's odd that there are other grandchildren, but none of his siblings have partners.

After seeing your post I just re-read all of the OP's posts twice as I thought I must have missed this, but no, there are no other grandchildren other than the OP's DS and DSS.

This is hurtful, I totally understand why you are upset.

viewing you as separate from ‘the family’ is divisive. And your partner doesn’t seem to mind enough to talk to his parents about it. There really is nothing you can do about that. That said the boundaries have been set. His parents, his responsibility. Works both ways. No expectation of demands on you as they age.

you could use the week and take a lovely holiday yourself/with friends/with your extended family. Plan something very lovely just for you ❤️

I wouldn’t stop him taking your DS.

You know where you stand now, the feelings of hurt will lessen. Dignity, silence and a fuck them approach going forward is the way to go. xx

Thank you for clarifying why you're not married.

I think your DP should have stood up for you and insisted that you come. You say that he loves you, but this is not loving behaviour from him.

I think it's odd that there are other grandchildren, but none of his siblings have partners. They are an odd family and your DP is odd.

I am struck by the fact that the AIBU poll here is 96% in favour of the OPs hurt feelings being entirely reasonable while on a virtually identical poll involving a young step child and their inclusion/exclusion, it's currently 70% in favour of the mother querying her child's exclusion being unreasonable.

Why the disparity in attitudes?

(And are we participating in someone's anthropological/sociological study?)

Refuse holiday for youngest as eldest half-sister excluded even though has impact on childcare | Mumsnet

I'd have realised by now that I'd booked the same dates to take DS away on my own..
And things would NEVER be the same between myself & the in-laws, & I'm not sure about DP either..