Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be hurt?

407 replies

notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 21:23

Dp and I have been together 7 years, we have 1 DS together and dp has dss who also lives with us.

A couple months ago fil mentioned doing a big family holiday, dp said sounds good let us know details. I get on great with ils so i was also fine with it. Dps brother got in touch to arrange booking. It seems I’m not invited. It’s fil, mil, dp sil (dh sister) and bil (dh brother) plus dss and DS. Dp asked why and apparently bil was awkward and said something about mil and fil wanting it to be just family!!
Dp has said he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to fil about it. It seems he’s going and taking ds, dss.

Im so upset, it’s never occurred to me im not family. I spend lots of time with fil and mil , attend family events etc. I’ve been in their lives 7 years!
Dp thinks I need to let it go but aibu to be upset?

OP posts:
Original poster
notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 21:43

Venusunbroken · 15/08/2026 21:36

That maybe it then, but as no one else has partners I find this incredibly rude of them, I’d also be upset

Show quote history

Yeah maybe it wouldn’t feel as personal if I wasn’t the only one not invited.

OP posts:
Original poster
notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 21:42

Venusunbroken · 15/08/2026 21:39

The other thing to check op, is could one of them be ill?

No t as far as we know

OP posts:
Original poster
notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 21:41

Venusunbroken · 15/08/2026 21:38

They may think if you’re there you and your husband may act like a seperate family unit and go and do stuff with the kids,and he may not join in as much,

I don’t know, I’m searching for a reason why someone would do this.

Yeah i really don’t know. Theres times dp visits them without me if im working/ busy but most of the time we see them as a family.

OP posts:
Venusunbroken · 15/08/2026 21:39

The other thing to check op, is could one of them be ill?

Original poster
notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 21:39

Tryagain26 · 15/08/2026 21:35

Is it because you are not married? Are they religious or very old-fashioned in their views about what constitutes family?
It's still not an excuse I was just trying to think of a reason .

Edited

They have never mentioned marriage (no cultural differences) but yes i wonder if it would be different if we were married. I’m assuming if sil or bil had partners they wouldn’t be invited either.

OP posts:
TheJoyousHiker · 15/08/2026 21:38

Your partner should have said that you are his partner, part of the family and mum to their grandchild and if you’re not invited, then he will opt out of the holiday.

If the holiday proceeds without you, I would not visit them again, nor would I have them in my home,

Venusunbroken · 15/08/2026 21:38

They may think if you’re there you and your husband may act like a seperate family unit and go and do stuff with the kids,and he may not join in as much,

I don’t know, I’m searching for a reason why someone would do this.

Venusunbroken · 15/08/2026 21:36

notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 21:32

No not yet they are in their twenties but are not settled down.

Show quote history

That maybe it then, but as no one else has partners I find this incredibly rude of them, I’d also be upset

Original poster
notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 21:36

Getofftheunicorn · 15/08/2026 21:35

Do your Pils actually like you? How can they not have thought this would really upset you.
I would be hurt too, and angry and have to reassess my whole relationship with them.

We get on fine they are lovely. That’s what so upsetting

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 15/08/2026 21:35

Well my DS wouldn’t be going without me.

Perhaps at Christmas, which I assume you cook and cater for not your DP, just invite your family not his, as you want it just to be family. Twats.

Likeiloveyou · 15/08/2026 21:35

DP can go, he’s an adult and you can’t stop him, but I would draw the line at DS going without me.

Assuming it’s abroad, DP can’t take your child without your permission.

AbzMoz · 15/08/2026 21:35

Absolutely not. DH needs to advocate that his family includes you as a non negotiable, and the GCs come as a package deal with you. I can’t imagine any scenario where this is an acceptable idea

Original poster
notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 21:35

ForFluentLimeFatball · 15/08/2026 21:31

Sorry, DS won't be ok without me!

He would be fine with dp tbf

OP posts:
Tryagain26 · 15/08/2026 21:35

Is it because you are not married? Are they religious or very old-fashioned in their views about what constitutes family?
It's still not an excuse I was just trying to think of a reason .

LittleMissClutter · 15/08/2026 21:35

Dp has said he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to fil about it. It seems he’s going and taking ds, dss.

What a wanker! 😲

Not even my selfish arsehole of an ex would have done that.

getthroughonemoreday · 15/08/2026 21:35

That's weird, and yes, I'd be hurt. One thing (still a bit odd, imo, but less so) if they wanted just the parents and adult children, but to include your own child and step-child but not you seems personal. Your partner should have told them that either you all go or none of you do, but tbh, even if they change their plans and invite you along, you can't ever 'un-know' that they were happy to exclude you. That does lasting damage.

Getofftheunicorn · 15/08/2026 21:35

Do your Pils actually like you? How can they not have thought this would really upset you.
I would be hurt too, and angry and have to reassess my whole relationship with them.

Original poster
notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 21:34

FOJN · 15/08/2026 21:33

You can't control the attitude of his family but I would be pretty pissed off if the IL''s thought my child was family but I wasn't and my partner thought that was just fine. I would fully expect my partner to say thank you for the invitation but it won't be just family if all of my family isn't there so I won't be joining you.

Edited

This is my feelings too. We are a family unit surely it should be all of us or none of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 21:33

Newbie40 · 15/08/2026 21:28

No YANBU, not at all! I would be hurt too. You have been with your DP 7 years and your the Mum of their grandchild, of course you are family! I think your DP needs to be growing a pair and speaking up. Also might be worth you having a quiet word with them? Ask them why they don't see you as family and explain how hurt you are

I guess I feel like it’s dps place too not mine.

OP posts:
FOJN · 15/08/2026 21:33

You can't control the attitude of his family but I would be pretty pissed off if the IL''s thought my child was family but I wasn't and my partner thought that was just fine. I would fully expect my partner to say thank you for the invitation but it won't be just family if all of my family isn't there so I won't be joining you.

Original poster
notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 21:32

Venusunbroken · 15/08/2026 21:26

Does his sister and brother not have partners then?

No not yet they are in their twenties but are not settled down.

OP posts:
curtaintwitcher78 · 15/08/2026 21:31

Your husband is being a right shithouse here.
YANBU.

ForFluentLimeFatball · 15/08/2026 21:31

Sorry, DS won't be ok without me!

BeachHairForLife · 15/08/2026 21:29

This would be an excellent opportunity for a supportive, loving partner who is committed to you and your family to say to his parents "my whole family comes or none of us do". You have a son together, you are a family. He needs to get into this with his family and find out WTF is going on.

NotAnotherScarf · 15/08/2026 21:29

Sometimes I think mn can not shock me anymore (just read a post about a guy paying for a cup full of piss) then it does.

Pil would have fuck all to do with my kid again. Fuck em. You piece of shit spineless husband can fuck off too.