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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be hurt?

407 replies

notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 21:23

Dp and I have been together 7 years, we have 1 DS together and dp has dss who also lives with us.

A couple months ago fil mentioned doing a big family holiday, dp said sounds good let us know details. I get on great with ils so i was also fine with it. Dps brother got in touch to arrange booking. It seems I’m not invited. It’s fil, mil, dp sil (dh sister) and bil (dh brother) plus dss and DS. Dp asked why and apparently bil was awkward and said something about mil and fil wanting it to be just family!!
Dp has said he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to fil about it. It seems he’s going and taking ds, dss.

Im so upset, it’s never occurred to me im not family. I spend lots of time with fil and mil , attend family events etc. I’ve been in their lives 7 years!
Dp thinks I need to let it go but aibu to be upset?

OP posts:
Pistachiocake · 15/08/2026 23:41

Not ok at all!
You need to ask-why does BIL have a problem with you?
And why is he getting to set the rules?
I would go, with your husband, and speak to them all tomorrow to try to thrash this out.

Pineapplewaves · 15/08/2026 23:38

If I were you I would refuse to give DP permission to take your DS on the holiday - he can go with DSS and have a lovely time, you and DS will see him when he returns. I wouldn’t speak to in-laws ever again and I’d have to consider whether they should have access to DS.

If DP decided that he was going and taking DS that would be the end of our relationship. I would expect my partner of 7 years to stick up for me and take my side no matter what. You deserve someone better.

concertinacornflake · 15/08/2026 23:13

I wouldn't want my DS to go if I was excluded and I'd be fuming if my DP wanted to go without me.

I think this is dreadful, your DP is treating you appallingly.

Gardenisablooming · 15/08/2026 23:10

Remind him ds is only half their family so he'd best stay home.
Utter cunts imo .
I'd be rethinking my future with such a spineless sap.

Original poster
notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 23:06

Ha true!

OP posts:
LoyalAquaAnt · 15/08/2026 22:40

Your DH is going to have a lot to do another day when they are infirm, given you're not family!

Original poster
notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 22:37

Plati · 15/08/2026 22:28

I think they’re really out order, but I suspect it’s some twisted logic about you being the only partner and therefore the only adult that’s not their child..?

Yes I agree. If there was more of us
maybe they would feel they couldn’t get away with it? I just wonder where it ends. If bil gets married am I relegated to evening guest? Or not included? If bil or sil were married would their spouse get an invite?

OP posts:
Plati · 15/08/2026 22:28

I think they’re really out order, but I suspect it’s some twisted logic about you being the only partner and therefore the only adult that’s not their child..?

Original poster
notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 22:21

Hankunamatata · 15/08/2026 22:12

Is it pil or is it bil making this? Are they cost cutting due to rooms?

I don’t think it’s financial, according to dp he will be in a family room which sleeps four ao it wouldn’t cost anything more.
bil said it but he says pil agree.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 15/08/2026 22:12

Is it pil or is it bil making this? Are they cost cutting due to rooms?

Chulainn · 15/08/2026 22:09

That's appalling. I can't believe they'd exclude you like that. If it was me, and I am good at holding grudges, I wouldn't go out of my way to do anything with them again. If they don't consider you family, then don't treat them like family. They've shown their true colours now. They can't go back on it. I'd also do things with DS and DSS (if you're allowed) that doesn't include DP. The fact that DP refuses to say anything to his parents shows he's not on your side.

Original poster
notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 22:09

Just to ask 4% think I’m unreasonable. Can I ask your views? I’m genuinely wanting to see both sides

OP posts:
TheJoyousHiker · 15/08/2026 22:06

notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 21:53

He tried to push back a bit with bil (I think) but bil said they never do anything ‘just the family’ anymore. Which is true I always attend family gatherings (parties, birthdays etc) He’s not comfortable broaching it with fil and has said he won’t.

Not to drip feed but fil and mil will likely cover cost. I don’t think it’s about money though as they can afford it and one extra would not add much more to the cost.

Show quote history

Wonder how BIL will feel when he has a partner and they are excluded. It’s nonsense to say they never do anything as a family anymore and yet invite your DS and DSS because since they were born, there was your partner’s ex and then yourself in the mix. Your DS, without you being around, was never part of ‘just the family’ iykwim.

Dave57 · 15/08/2026 22:03

That is just awful. I am so sorry they have excluded you like that. The good thing is they have shown their true colours and you can now act accordingly. I personally feel its too late to include you. Let them all have their holiday, make it clear to the pils its changed the dynamics but your ok with that and then going forward be kind and civil but not available for anything but what you choose.
be clear to your partner that this changes things for you.
And also book a fabulous girls holiday to a nightlife hotspot and have a ball.

Original poster
notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 21:56

TheJoyousHiker · 15/08/2026 21:52

It’s outrageous that your DP would think it’s ok to take your DS on a holiday you are not invited to. I think you should tell your DP that you’d prefer if your DS does not go on this holiday. Does your DP really expect that you’d wave them off happily ? Do your IL’s really think that you’d visit or have them visit before the holiday when there will be excited talk about it or when they get home. It’s awful.

Show quote history

Exactly the thought of sitting there while they are planning what they will do and afterward seeing photos / hearing about it I would just feel so sad that I’m not included.

My parents would not do a family holiday ( we get on fine but I see dps family much more) so it’s not even like I could do the same on my side.

OP posts:
Original poster
notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 21:53

PrincessofWills · 15/08/2026 21:49

This is horrible. How do you get over this, and your partner hasn't said anything?

He tried to push back a bit with bil (I think) but bil said they never do anything ‘just the family’ anymore. Which is true I always attend family gatherings (parties, birthdays etc) He’s not comfortable broaching it with fil and has said he won’t.

Not to drip feed but fil and mil will likely cover cost. I don’t think it’s about money though as they can afford it and one extra would not add much more to the cost.

OP posts:
TishHope · 15/08/2026 21:52

Yes, OP you do have a partner problem, the whole situation is absurd. You are his partner, the mother of his child and there is a serious problem if he can see you so insulted by his parents and say nothing, and furthermore, go away on the holiday without you at their instigation. How fucking dare he. Sod that.

TheJoyousHiker · 15/08/2026 21:52

notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 21:48

No we are great. I think he doesn’t really see the issue because technically they are right I’m not related to them.

Show quote history

It’s outrageous that your DP would think it’s ok to take your DS on a holiday you are not invited to. I think you should tell your DP that you’d prefer if your DS does not go on this holiday. Does your DP really expect that you’d wave them off happily ? Do your IL’s really think that you’d visit or have them visit before the holiday when there will be excited talk about it or when they get home. It’s awful.

Chickadee26 · 15/08/2026 21:51

😡That is a rude insult towards you.

I hope your dh will see that and say "My life partner, mother of my children IS family. She comes or we don't."

PrincessofWills · 15/08/2026 21:49

This is horrible. How do you get over this, and your partner hasn't said anything?

Original poster
notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 21:48

Bonkers1966 · 15/08/2026 21:43

You have a Partner problem. A serious one. Have you considered that they know something about your relationship that you don't? Like your partner is planning to jump ship?

No we are great. I think he doesn’t really see the issue because technically they are right I’m not related to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
notpartofthefamily · 15/08/2026 21:46

Feralbookworm · 15/08/2026 21:43

Surely your DP presumed you were automatically invited so someone had to say actually it’s just you and the kids? If that was me and my partner wasn’t invited I’d be asking questions!! Really bizarre

Yes we both believed it was both of us, fil just said big family holiday so we assumed everyone was going. Bil rang to discuss rooms that’s when it transpired I wasn’t included. I think pil assumed we would have known. What a mess! If we had known from the beginning maybe it would have been managed better.

OP posts:
BoundaryGirl3939 · 15/08/2026 21:44

That's absolutely insane. Do they actually think they can get away with that? That is bullying and the height of disrespect. And they think they have the right to take your child and leave you home alone without him? Your son is obviously not going on the holiday. Book a fantastic holiday for you and son for the same week, and tell your husband to piss off.

Bonkers1966 · 15/08/2026 21:43

You have a Partner problem. A serious one. Have you considered that they know something about your relationship that you don't? Like your partner is planning to jump ship?

Feralbookworm · 15/08/2026 21:43

Surely your DP presumed you were automatically invited so someone had to say actually it’s just you and the kids? If that was me and my partner wasn’t invited I’d be asking questions!! Really bizarre