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AIBU?

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Original poster

Family feud and inheritance

191 replies

MellowPinkBee · 15/08/2026 20:47

I adore my brother. Approximately 33 years ago he married an incredibly insecure woman who came from an incredibly disfunctional family. Appalling manners, absolutely no idea how to behave and offended not only our family members but also our parents friends. We were continuously making excuses for her even though she was always such an embarrassment. Family gatherings were always tense to say the least but my parents and I always took the higher ground when she had her continuous digs to make herself feel better about herself. She was insanely jealous of my brothers relationship with our mother and she hurt my mother on so many occasions but my mother said nothing. About 26 years ago we had a family Christmas and she deliberately excluded my son who was about 3 at the time from a Christmas Eve occasion leaving cookies & milk for Santa. After new year, I let my brother know exactly how I felt about her and I was speaking for my parents too, particularly my mother. As a result my brother has not spoken a word to me until in 2023 my father died and my mother followed in 2024. My father’s Will split his estate 50/50 between my brother and I. I divorced my ex husband in 2022 and had to buy my ex out of his equity in the house. due to my age, late 50’s I was limited in the amount I could borrow so my father gave me the shortfall, £89,000. Now my brother is suggesting that I go against the Will and give him half of what my father gave me as that was my father’s intention. Please let me know what you think I should do

OP posts:
Pistachiocake · 15/08/2026 23:07

You should maybe clarify the votes.
Give him nothing. I understand that if his wife was emotionally abusing him, we shouldn't blame him completely, but he was awful to your mum so why should he deserve any money?

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 15/08/2026 22:57

We need more information...

Did your brother stop speaking to your parents too, or just you?

Is there a reasonable inheritance to split eg £100,000 each?

How well off is your brother - would an extra £45,000 make a huge difference to him?

Did your father say the money he gave you was a gift or a loan?

Were you repaying him up to his death?

Did he tell you you needed to equalise things with your brother re inheritance?

My thoughts so far:

Your father had a year to change his Will to take account of the money he had already given you.
He did not do so.

Your brother fractured your family. I'm sure that would have caused considerable distress to your parents.

How does he know what your father's intention was re the money you received a few years ago?

In the absence of any more information, I don't think you need to give your brother half the money your father gave you.

Side note: why do you still adore your brother decades after he refused to speak to you? How is that possible when you haven't had a relationship with him for nearly 30 years?!

TheMadGardener · 15/08/2026 22:54

If you and your brother had a close relationship and the money issue would ruin it, I'd give him the money he wants.

BUT he hasn't spoken to you for 26 years! And you hate your SIL! Abide by the terms of the will, keep your half of the money - they don't speak to you now and they won't speak to you after. I don't think you have any hope of getting back on good terms with him either way.

Keep the money but make sure you pay the inheritance tax due on the gift your father gave you. Consult a tax lawyer. Are you the executor of your father's will?

Floppyearedlab · 15/08/2026 22:50

ShanghaiDiva · 15/08/2026 22:18

Tbh none of this is really relevant. OP’s opening line states that she adores her brother, so why would she not give him the money?

Show quote history

Why would you give a penny to someone who refuses to talk to you?
You can hold their memory, care about them, but nothing else. He wouldn’t have broken his sulky silence if there wasn’t a big pile of dosh in it. Which no doubt his foul wife would get her mitts on.

Any1ForTennis · 15/08/2026 22:46

You missed the key detail - was this a loan or a gift?

If it was a loan and your parents wanted to treat both their children equally YABU.

The family history is irrelevant.

DiabetesHereICome · 15/08/2026 22:44

Treebaubles · 15/08/2026 22:43

I don’t think she’s confused, she doesn’t want to pay it. Wills often bring out that side of people.

Show quote history

True but she said she adores him

Original poster
MellowPinkBee · 15/08/2026 22:44

My father gave me the money about a year before he died. He wrote his Will about 10 days before he died because he knew he might not make it. My brother saw the Will and even though my father had a heart attack he still sent emails to him complaining about the Will. My father said in front of a doctor and 3 nurses “what I do with my money while I am alive is my own business, my Will is something else”

OP posts:
Treebaubles · 15/08/2026 22:43

DiabetesHereICome · 15/08/2026 22:17

Exactly. I don’t understand why the OP is confused about what to do.

Show quote history

I don’t think she’s confused, she doesn’t want to pay it. Wills often bring out that side of people.

Booboobagins · 15/08/2026 22:41

Err no.

He doesn't get to rewrite the will, it is as it states, the CF.

Please stand your ground. His choice of partner didn't make any of your lives happy, in a way he's lucky your DF left him anything.

Wordsmithery · 15/08/2026 22:40

I must say that I do feel sorry for the brother. He quite rightly defended his wife against what we can safely assume was a vitriolic attack. He's now potentially facing financial disadvantage.

OP, what is legally correct isn't necessarily the same as what is morally correct. Think about what your parents would have wanted and act accordingly. And if you're not sure then err on the side of caution and split the £89k with your brother.

Treebaubles · 15/08/2026 22:39

Yes I think you should give him half back. The will was made before he gave you the money so it should have included that. You open your post with “I adore my brother”, but do you adore him enough to give him his share?

TheTideIsNigh · 15/08/2026 22:35

If you legally don't have to split it, which it sounds like you don't as others have already said, then of course it is totally your choice and would depend on how upset your brother would be if you say no and how much you value the chance of any future relationship with him.

No-one here can possibly know that, so anyone saying one way of the other are basing their opinions on their own relationships and preconceptions. I would ignore them all and trust yourself to make the right decision for you.

Hohofortherobbers · 15/08/2026 22:32

Only you know if this was a gift or a loan. Do what your df would have wanted. Also consider how you would feel if the tables were turned

ThatWasAFunDay · 15/08/2026 22:32

I’d definitely give half to the brother. It’s a lot of money and it would be wrong to keep it. I don’t understand why you think your brother wants you to ‘go against the wishes of the will’. I also don’t understand why you’ve included all the back story. All that’s relevant is that you’ve had £89k more than your brother.

If you decide to keep it then at least be honest with yourself about what you are doing. You know it would be the wrong thing to do so trying to find a reason to try and justify keeping it is really shady.

mondaytosunday · 15/08/2026 22:29

What has your brothers wife got to do with this?
Who is executor of the will? Is there inheritance tax owing? The money your father gave you will be subject to this if so.
I’m giving my son a house now and have written in my Will that my daughter gets the equivalent in cash when I pass away, whatever it is valued at then. Both know this and understand. He lives in the house now and my DD lives with me. Everything divided as equal as possible.
If your father did not make provisions to equalise the gift then that’s it, the remaining value of his estate is divided and you keep the gift. The inheritance tax possibly owed on the £89k is a separate issue.

geumsun · 15/08/2026 22:28

@Fleetbug you can write what you want in your Will, but as your child, when the money hits my account, if I disagree with your reasoning I will apportion the money that is now mine, how I see fit. Maybe I was the golden child and you treated my sibling badly. Maybe you were a cantankerous old horror who used money as punishment. Maybe you forgot to update your Will. Doesn't matter, because it's now my money legally and my relationship with my sibling survives you and your piece of paper.

ShanghaiDiva · 15/08/2026 22:28

Fleetbug · 15/08/2026 22:21

It’s amazing how many people are advising OP to essentially ignore a legal document spelling out your fathers wishes. Your brother has no claim to the 89K given to you. If your father felt your brother should have the same amount, then he he would have either a) given your brother £89K at the time, or b) changed his will. He did neither.
If you respect your fathers wishes then respect that he gave you a gift and he also wants you to have half his estate.
Some think this is somehow immoral and not fair. But as a parent of adult children I can easily imagine a situation where I might want to give one child a large gift but not another. One child might go through some misfortune that the other didn’t experience. Giving one a gift does not mean it needs to be somehow paid back in the will.
The purpose of a will is to make it crystal clear in law who is entitled to what. Your brother has no claim on your gift, and your father wants you to have 50-50. It’s bonkers that people are telling you essentially to change your fathers legally expressed wishes.
If you want to give your brother half of the 89K that’s your call- but it’s not what your father wanted.

Several posters have pointed out there is no legal obligation to give the brother anything. Whether the op feels a moral obligation is quite different and she may feel she wants to give him that share. A deed of variation allows beneficiaries to change how a deceased person’s estate is distributed so it’s not as if the testator’s wishes cannot be overruled.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 15/08/2026 22:27

If he stopped talking to your parents then he's lucky to be inheriting anything. I also can't see why he expects you to be so generous when he's not spoken to you for 26 years.
How did he find out about the £89k?

TheWorthyNewt · 15/08/2026 22:26

MellowPinkBee · 15/08/2026 20:47

I adore my brother. Approximately 33 years ago he married an incredibly insecure woman who came from an incredibly disfunctional family. Appalling manners, absolutely no idea how to behave and offended not only our family members but also our parents friends. We were continuously making excuses for her even though she was always such an embarrassment. Family gatherings were always tense to say the least but my parents and I always took the higher ground when she had her continuous digs to make herself feel better about herself. She was insanely jealous of my brothers relationship with our mother and she hurt my mother on so many occasions but my mother said nothing. About 26 years ago we had a family Christmas and she deliberately excluded my son who was about 3 at the time from a Christmas Eve occasion leaving cookies & milk for Santa. After new year, I let my brother know exactly how I felt about her and I was speaking for my parents too, particularly my mother. As a result my brother has not spoken a word to me until in 2023 my father died and my mother followed in 2024. My father’s Will split his estate 50/50 between my brother and I. I divorced my ex husband in 2022 and had to buy my ex out of his equity in the house. due to my age, late 50’s I was limited in the amount I could borrow so my father gave me the shortfall, £89,000. Now my brother is suggesting that I go against the Will and give him half of what my father gave me as that was my father’s intention. Please let me know what you think I should do

Tell him to do one. He sounds exactly like my brother and your sister in law sounds exactly like mine! If your dad wanted him to have any of it then he'd put it in his will. He didn't and your brothers hearsay wouldn't stand up in a court. He's a greedy chancer who I bet did absolutely nothing for your parents and you did everything for them.

LoyalAquaAnt · 15/08/2026 22:25

Superstar22 · 15/08/2026 20:56

I don’t think you are going against the will.

Your father lent or gave you £89k and one year later died.

I would “make this right” with my brother my giving him half

All the nonsense about not speaking for 30 years because you and his wife didn’t like each other makes no difference. Your Dad wanted you to both have “half his money” each and so I’d make that happen

Yes but don't forget it was only gifted a few years ago so there may be inheritance tax to pay.

tealandteal · 15/08/2026 22:22

Did your brother also fall out with your parents? I think if so, stick to the letter of the will and do not split the 89k. If your brother was in contact with your parents and if you have been rebuilding a relationship with him since your mum died then you may wish to split the money you were gifted, taking in to account IHT.

ShanghaiDiva · 15/08/2026 22:21

DiabetesHereICome · 15/08/2026 22:20

Obviously not £44.5k of adoration going on?

Edited
Show quote history

Clearly!
Perhaps only a token £5k of adoration…

Fleetbug · 15/08/2026 22:21

It’s amazing how many people are advising OP to essentially ignore a legal document spelling out your fathers wishes. Your brother has no claim to the 89K given to you. If your father felt your brother should have the same amount, then he he would have either a) given your brother £89K at the time, or b) changed his will. He did neither.
If you respect your fathers wishes then respect that he gave you a gift and he also wants you to have half his estate.
Some think this is somehow immoral and not fair. But as a parent of adult children I can easily imagine a situation where I might want to give one child a large gift but not another. One child might go through some misfortune that the other didn’t experience. Giving one a gift does not mean it needs to be somehow paid back in the will.
The purpose of a will is to make it crystal clear in law who is entitled to what. Your brother has no claim on your gift, and your father wants you to have 50-50. It’s bonkers that people are telling you essentially to change your fathers legally expressed wishes.
If you want to give your brother half of the 89K that’s your call- but it’s not what your father wanted.

DiabetesHereICome · 15/08/2026 22:20

ShanghaiDiva · 15/08/2026 22:18

Tbh none of this is really relevant. OP’s opening line states that she adores her brother, so why would she not give him the money?

Show quote history

Obviously not £44.5k of adoration going on?

ShanghaiDiva · 15/08/2026 22:18

Floppyearedlab · 15/08/2026 22:11

That opinion given because her behaviour was disgusting and he needed telling. She upset OP's parents on multiple occasions, was mean to her son and everyone was tiptoeing around her. What did he do when the behaviour was called out? He SIDED WITH HER. Sulked like a teenager and stopped talking to them.

Edited
Show quote history

Tbh none of this is really relevant. OP’s opening line states that she adores her brother, so why would she not give him the money?