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Original poster

Family feud and inheritance

191 replies

MellowPinkBee · 15/08/2026 20:47

I adore my brother. Approximately 33 years ago he married an incredibly insecure woman who came from an incredibly disfunctional family. Appalling manners, absolutely no idea how to behave and offended not only our family members but also our parents friends. We were continuously making excuses for her even though she was always such an embarrassment. Family gatherings were always tense to say the least but my parents and I always took the higher ground when she had her continuous digs to make herself feel better about herself. She was insanely jealous of my brothers relationship with our mother and she hurt my mother on so many occasions but my mother said nothing. About 26 years ago we had a family Christmas and she deliberately excluded my son who was about 3 at the time from a Christmas Eve occasion leaving cookies & milk for Santa. After new year, I let my brother know exactly how I felt about her and I was speaking for my parents too, particularly my mother. As a result my brother has not spoken a word to me until in 2023 my father died and my mother followed in 2024. My father’s Will split his estate 50/50 between my brother and I. I divorced my ex husband in 2022 and had to buy my ex out of his equity in the house. due to my age, late 50’s I was limited in the amount I could borrow so my father gave me the shortfall, £89,000. Now my brother is suggesting that I go against the Will and give him half of what my father gave me as that was my father’s intention. Please let me know what you think I should do

OP posts:
TheignT · 16/08/2026 08:26

I had a colleague who had a similar dispute about a will. It went on for years and in the end all of the inheritance went in legal fees. If you think your brother will try to fight this legally id try to reach an agreement or you could lose it all.

ThatWasGreek · 16/08/2026 08:21

Did your brother also not speak to your parents ever again after you told him what you thought of his wife?

luckylavender · 16/08/2026 08:18

MellowPinkBee · 15/08/2026 22:44

My father gave me the money about a year before he died. He wrote his Will about 10 days before he died because he knew he might not make it. My brother saw the Will and even though my father had a heart attack he still sent emails to him complaining about the Will. My father said in front of a doctor and 3 nurses “what I do with my money while I am alive is my own business, my Will is something else”

Drip drip

openended · 16/08/2026 08:11

You haven't spoken to your brother in 26 years. Who cares of he doesn't speak to you ever? Your dad stipulated 50:50 in his will. He could have said minus the money he gave you prior but he didn't. I wouldn't be giving him anything and would block his number and have all communication through lawyers.

ThatWasGreek · 16/08/2026 08:09

Meadowfinch · 16/08/2026 07:04

So a man who hasn’t spoken to you in 26 years has contacted you and demanded £45,000 out of the blue.

No. End of conversation.

He hasn’t spoken to her because she hates his wife and told him ‘exactly what I thought about her’ and that she spoke for her parents too.

The things the op has said about her brother’s wife in the opening post, when she isn’t angry about some biscuits are appalling. I can’t imagine what she said to him at the time.

Why would the brother want a relationship with the OP after that?

Or maybe he does want a relationship with the OP but he’s been spending the twenty six years teaching his wife some table manners so she’s not an embarrassment and it’s taking a while because of just how bad they are.

Imdunfer · 16/08/2026 08:06

PrettyPickle · 15/08/2026 23:23

Then this tells all concerned that your Father was content for you to still have 50% of his estate AFTER you had the house money. He wrote his will saying you split it 50/50 after you had the money for the house. Your brother tried to raise it and your Dad stood firm. Those where your Fathers wishes. End of.

Except of course life is not that simple if you want a relationship with your brother going forward and only you know whether that is of value.

Show quote history

I don't think this is a given.

He may well have been perfectly aware that a gift one year before makes it part of his estate for tax purposes and he willed his estate to be split 50/50.

Unless there was a specific reference to the nearly £90k by him then I would split the estate 50/50.

I suspect if your brother consulted a lawyer this might even be his legal right. (AI says not.)

ShanghaiDiva · 16/08/2026 08:00

MellowPinkBee · 15/08/2026 22:44

My father gave me the money about a year before he died. He wrote his Will about 10 days before he died because he knew he might not make it. My brother saw the Will and even though my father had a heart attack he still sent emails to him complaining about the Will. My father said in front of a doctor and 3 nurses “what I do with my money while I am alive is my own business, my Will is something else”

That’s quite the drip feed. You already have your answer.

rookiemere · 16/08/2026 07:52

I agree with others that say morally you should give him an equal amount. Your justification that he married a woman you don’t like is irrelevant, however technically the money wasn’t mentioned in the will so you don’t have to give him anything.

How much was the inheritance overall ? If the £89k was a good chunk of it, I can see why your DB might be salty about it.

Wadsworthy · 16/08/2026 07:44

Hmm tricky one. Your parents gave you a substantial amount of money. Did they even it up with your brother? has your brother received big gifts/loans in the same way?

I can see his point but I can also see how it feels a bit money- grubbing from your pov. Can you give him £45k to even it up?

pinkfondu · 16/08/2026 07:39

You do nothing, do not engage

PersephoneParlormaid · 16/08/2026 07:36

Always stick to the will, it’s not for anyone to change the wishes of the deceased.

DozyCrow · 16/08/2026 07:32

Well, you'll have to pay 40% tax on that OP due to your DF dying within 0-3 years of making the gift. You should pay that out of your share of the inheritance, not out of the estate before payout, as that wouldn't be fair to your brother (even though he sounds like a delightful individual).

Supporting2026 · 16/08/2026 07:25

MellowPinkBee · 15/08/2026 22:44

My father gave me the money about a year before he died. He wrote his Will about 10 days before he died because he knew he might not make it. My brother saw the Will and even though my father had a heart attack he still sent emails to him complaining about the Will. My father said in front of a doctor and 3 nurses “what I do with my money while I am alive is my own business, my Will is something else”

That is crystal clear then - you do not split the money you received beforehand. Your father sounds extraordinarily sane - he didn’t want to disinherit his child but he recognised a substantial difference between the relationship and behaviour of his two kids in a different way.

Mere1 · 16/08/2026 07:16

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 15/08/2026 20:58

So to check the real issue- your dad gifted you a large sum of money in 2022, then your father died the following year, your mother the year after. As this gift wasn’t over 7 years before their deaths, you needed to include ir for inheritance tax purposes, which I assume why your estranged brother knows about it.

Id say no, your dad had a year after your gift to change his will to give your brother more money. You’ve not been friends with your brother since the millennium, I wouldn’t be all that upset about him being pissed off now.

Stick to the will as written.

This.

Meadowfinch · 16/08/2026 07:04

So a man who hasn’t spoken to you in 26 years has contacted you and demanded £45,000 out of the blue.

No. End of conversation.

Another2Cats · 16/08/2026 06:53

Daisydoor12 · 15/08/2026 23:12

Surely you wil@ have to pay inheritance tax on the 89k from your father as he didn’t live 7years. Seek legal advice

That would only apply if the fathers estate (including the gift) was more than £500,000.

And even then, the recipient of a gift does not pay IHT on the gift unless the gift (or all gifts if there have been multiple) are more than £325,000.

Otherwise, the £89k gift will reduce the £325k tax free amount of the father's estate meaning that there is more IHT to pay on the rest of the estate

JustMyView13 · 16/08/2026 05:21

You execute the will in line with your father’s wishes. 50:50 of whatever he had left, after death.

ktopfwcv · 16/08/2026 03:34

Posters seem to be.kxgskr.

OP states the will "splits his estate 50/50 between my brother and I" not "any money I've given out from day dot should be taken into consideration and half given to the other sibling."

44PumpLane · 16/08/2026 02:36

Given the update OP, ai wouldn't give your brother a penny. Your father had the opportunity to note an outstanding loan in his will. He didn't so you're clear.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 16/08/2026 02:25

MellowPinkBee · 15/08/2026 22:44

My father gave me the money about a year before he died. He wrote his Will about 10 days before he died because he knew he might not make it. My brother saw the Will and even though my father had a heart attack he still sent emails to him complaining about the Will. My father said in front of a doctor and 3 nurses “what I do with my money while I am alive is my own business, my Will is something else”

You still haven't answered the key question, was it a loan or a gift? Do you have any proof of text message, email etc about the loan or gift?

As others have said if it was a loan then you owe it to the estate and yes you should given him half from your share. If it was a gift then no you don't owe him any money and since your relationship is pretty much dead he can go pound rock.

Given the will was written after the loan/gift I'm leaning towards or being a gift and excluded from the will but it all depends on the actual agreement you had with your dad and what evidence/proof exists.

Seacatt · 16/08/2026 02:22

In the circumstances you have described, I would not give your brother any of the £89,000.
I would consider it a gift to you.

Viviennemary · 16/08/2026 01:29

If it was a loan then give your brother half. If it wasn't a loan then don't. But holding onto a grudge about a trivial event that happened 26 years ago is beyond ridiculous.

PeanutCactus · 16/08/2026 01:26

The background is totally irrelevant.

I assume there was no mention in the will of the 89k?

What was the basis of the 89k? A true gift or a loan of 89k?

NotMeAtAll · 16/08/2026 01:10

What has your brother's wife got to do with anything? I suspect you feel that what you're doing is wrong, and you're bringing up irrelevant stuff to justify it.

Blodyneighbour · 16/08/2026 01:09

This is entirely up to you. If its a gift then there is no legal requirement to give him any if it. Probably his missus pulling the strings