Mum turned nasty to me as a teen. Struggling to look after her now. AIBU?

I think for your own sense of closure, you need to tell what she did and how it made you feel.

Don’t let her sweep it under the carpet.

What kind of care are you providing? Can she afford carers?

I've been told it can be particularly extreme for neurodivergent women and can almost be like a mental breakdown for some.

For others it's much more mild.

Don't dismiss this point as something that women can just control. It is a medical issue like depression - you can't necessarily just get over it.

I had a very chaotic childhood, with my mother divorcing when i was 8 and remarrying several times- but I rolled with it until my brother left home when I was about 15- my Mum who had always been completely disinterested in my life suddenly wanted to micro manage everything and our relationship deteriorated a great deal.
She always said she wanted no help when she aged, but changed her mind once she hit around 75- when she got cancer towards the end she tried to guilt me into looking after her 24/7- I refused because the reason she wanted it was so there would be mnoney left for my brother to inherit, he went to live in the US 30 years ago, so never helped with anything.
We had never been close , she had always favoured my brother and never been interested in my life- there was no way I was going to look after her 24/7.
You have to decide early on what your limit is and stick to it, otherwise you are in for a world of hurt.

Hi OP

I have similar situation. Sister was the golden child and I was treated horrendously throughout childhood and onwards.

Once I had my own family unit I realise even more how dysfunctional it all was.

They are old now and considering their own mortality. But I have years and years and years of damage done to me and I can’t stand any suggestion that I have a responsibility to them now they are old.
They still live in my childhood home and I get traumatised if I ever return there. I can manage about an hour before I start feeling claustrophobic and like I’m losing oxygen.

I also resent any time I am forced to spend there as it takes me away from the family that actually do love me.

Hope you manage to navigate a way through it all - it’s hard

That's not what I said. The poster said she would never treat her children badly. My point was nobody knows how our lives will be impacted by mental health so she cannot say that for certain.

There’s no excuse for how she treated you, or for how she has never had any accountability. I don’t think menopause or stress are reasons at all. She may have had psychiatric issues that weren’t identified but it was her responsibility to notice and seek help, and she never did. She used her power and position to abuse you. You really don’t owe her anything and shouldn’t feel that responsibility. If you choose to help her, that’s your choice and is a kind thing to do but she’s not earned that kindness at all.

You’ve been amazing to give a better family to your own children, that must feel healing in a way.

I'm too young to have an idea what it's like. However, it is a mammoth hormonal shift, and many of us know what it's like when our hormones dictate our perceptions of lived experiences.

Thank you for writing this. The menopause is modern day hysteria is some people’s eyes that simply is not true. Menopause is absolutely no excuse for a mother to behave abusively to a teen daughter and it is a real shame that some (women of all people) are tying to claim that.

I don't think anyone can 100% be held responsible for a sudden change in behaviour as a result of a breakdown or head injury.

This weird belief that menopause drives women crazy is just ridiculous and scientifically unfounded. Im post menopausal and had no trouble with it and was able to kindly and competently parent my teenagers despite it.

In the US the idea that menopause is some major factor in a woman’s life leading her to become a dangerous and uncontrollable harridan or unable to work is simply unheard of. There is something very odd here, a kind of internalized misogyny combined with some meeping feminism that does us no favours.

I'm so so sorry this happened to you. This broke my heart to read. You deserved so much better xxx

Obviously she has but what difference does that make? Is the mother not responsible for her own behavior?

I disagree with this. My mother was absolutely horrible during her menopausal years and it was very depressing to live with.
I have often felt extremely irritable myself when my hormones have been out of sync.
However, I do have some self control, and if I have come across as moody, I am capable of explaining to my children that I’m sorry, I feel tired and awful and you’re not the reason I seem irritable.
I don’t think there’s any excuse for someone smashing the saucepans around in some wild rage because of their hormones or because they’ve had a tough day at work.

Thank you for your kind words. I don’t know why I would have felt guilty. I often read posts when people tell others to go NC or LC, and wish I had made that decision as a young adult. But I didn’t have the courage to do that. I suppose the way I was treated affected my confidence and made me feel worthless.
The first time I stood up to her was when she had screamed at my then 12 year old daughter, for forgetting her PE kit for school. My son used to forget his most weeks, and she used to drive home to get it for him, all smiles and “there you are, silly”. My daughter looked like me as a teenager and my mother was proud that she had shouted at her stating “ I wiped the floor with her. She won’t do that again”. I therefore stopped my daughter going to her home without my or DH being there.

To suddenly go from being a doting mother to absolutely horrible towards you is very very unusual.

Did she have a breakdown over something you weren't party to? A particularly bad menopause? A head injury?

I know you said you were a good teen, but most people would say that about themselves so your teen attitude might have contributed (I'm not pointing blame at you, I just live with teens so know how difficult if can be).

Maybe your sisters baby tipped her over the edge. Also you mentioned her being religious, that's a whole different area rich with mental health issues.

Maybe it was a mixture of all these things.

Have you never addressed why her character apparently changed so suddenly towards you?

My mantra for dealing with my mother became "some questions don't need answers anymore." It didn't matter why she was such an awful, unpredictable parent anymore. Was it the abusive childhood that may or may not have happened, as her stories always changed? Was my father really horrible to no one other than her and only when no one else was around, ever - despite her frequently screaming at him for hours so loudly it could be heard 3 houses away? Was it the alcoholism, menopause, depression, addiction to OTC painkillers, her prescription drugs? It didn't matter in the end - she refused to get any help, take any help, make any changes. I grew to understand that whatever I did would never been right or enough so I did what I felt comfortable with. I could not have cared for her in any way, I didn't have it left in me by then. And I don't feel bad about that.

Your mother does not deserve one minute of your time ,she sounds like an absolute monster.
Get some help sorted if you must but walk away and live your life free of her.
Looking after her for the rest of her days is a big promise to keep.
It doesn't matter why she did what she did nothing on this earth excuses her evilness .
I hope it's not too long until you are free of this disgusting excuse of a mother.
I hope you find peace in your life .

Was it the menopause?
Obviously it doesnt excuse her behavioyrv
But being menopausal mystlf its affected me more than i ever thought it would.

Our mother turned particularly horrible when she was going through menopause and we were teens. Particularly with me as I take strongly after my Dad[s family. She blamed him for not "giving her the spoiled life she wanted" (only child brought up in Colonial India)
I once said to her own mother, my darling Granny: She[s so stupid. Gran replied: I know but she is your mother!!!

I agree with menopause playing a part as DH said MIL turned into an absolute nightmare to deal with. She threw his Dads clothes out the window and turfed him out because the poor guy got made redundant. She was a screaming mess and then got HRT which helped.

I will continue to care for her until the end.

You're not going to feel any better after she has died. You're not going to think, that's good, I looked after her so now she loves me. You will still feel like that neglected and abused child. In fact, you might even feel worse because once she has gone all you are left with are the awful memories and no appreciation or thanks from her.

Don't care for your abuser, care for yourself.

I tried to improve my relationship with my mother when I had my own children, I thought she would want to be involved. What actually happened was that she stayed entirely true to form - centred herself in everything, wanted to be my eldest's favourite person and expected me to facilitate it, tried to control how I parented and how many children I had, and totally rejected my second child. Looking back I know it was a last ditch attempt to try and get her to mother me.