Mum turned nasty to me as a teen. Struggling to look after her now. AIBU?

I would put my money on menopause without HRT - assuming this happened in 90s. Similar happened to me. Women were told HRT would cause breast cancer and did the best with the info they had.
Looking back, I was living with someone mentally ill from around 8-18 and I don’t think that was an exaggeration. It was terribly stressful trying to anticipate mood swings etc and prevent arguments. A lot of pressure and stress put on me at a young age. I remember suffering horrible colds throughout my childhood and I am sure they were stress related.
Anyway I can kind of understand it now Im in my 40s myself but I have always been clear that I would take HRT and try to save my own kids the same.

To add: I looked after my mum as she aged because none of my siblings wanted anything to do with her. It was challenging at times.

My experience is similar to yours in some ways, OP and I completely identify. In my early childhood memories my mum was lovely to me, but she became really verbally cruel to me when I reached around 10 years old. She was dealing with a disabled elder sibling and I think she took a lot of that out on me. I shudder when I think of some of the things she told me I was and of course I was only a kid, so I believed her.

With great respect, you do not know this. During menopause I ended up throwing things at my lovely husband due to using HRT. None of us know if this applies to your Mum or not and its your choice what you'd do now, but all the "I could nevers" in the world won't stop something you have no control over.

@Bluecrocodile also if she needs a package of care she can purchase that or the council can provide. Don't be getting dragged into making breakfast, showers etc or you'll never be free

My mum was awful awful awful during menopause but it coupled with her being naturally short tempered. But as much as people say it isn't a factor, so many lived experiences show it is. It's not an excuse, but it can be a reaso . Obviously it's not an excuse to behave terribly and damage your relationship with your child, but it is something that can make people more short tempered, flustered, lack patience etc.

My mum was and is jealous of me. This sounds nuts but she's a very small woman ie well under 5 foot and hates it. Im not tall but take after my dad's family so made a more average height and she hated it. I was a 'big girl' at 5 foot 3 and 8 stone according to her. She had a temper and once stabbed my sister with a fork, threw teddies out and got us up in the middle of the night to clean the house. I wonder if she was a drinker tbf. I know she was on anti depressants.

Sorry you experienced that. I have a watered down experience where my mum wasn't that bad but she did change or our relationship changed in my teens when I had my own opinions and want for privacy etc, she is very much a walk in the room even bathroom person. She had a hugely awful temper and I remember her hitting me a few times, it reached peak when inwas in my early 20s (thank god I lived 300 miles away during and after uni) but visits home would always be sabotaged by her and it was awful. Such a shouty person. It turned out to be a mix of a naturally short tempered woman, and menopause. She's not as shouty now she's older she's just an opinionated pain in the butt now.

The history of psychiatry is very misogynistic and medicine is basically the patriarchy with a prescription pad. Men could have their wives locked away so that they could move onto a younger model. Out of sight, out of mind. The children are grown up, he wants a new woman. Remember women had few rights many years ago, a man’s word would have overruled a woman. If she answered him back, got a bit lippy, then she would have been labelled as mad, hysterical and quickly dispensed with.

That sounds really awful and (worst of all) really confusing. I don't understand why so many posters are trying to jake excuses. Regardless of the cause, it was totally unacceptable.

I'm sure it was hard when your sister got pregnant, but your mum forced her to continue with pregnancy and birth, which is also inexcusable.

Did you ever speak to your sister about this time, before she died @Bluecrocodile ? How was your dad and are you getting him off the hook to easily?

You mentioned your auntie, is she still around and could she shed any light on what was going on?

Are you able to have a conversation with her to ask why she treated you the way she did? It might help you to get some closure if you understand it better.

Nobody is “entitled” to your support. It says a lot about you that you’ve made provision to care for your mum. You don’t need to feel beholden to her. We all make choices as adults and treating you so badly was to some extent a choice, menopause or not. Choices have consequences. She’s meeting hers now.

I think this is more likely what was going on.

She made choices OP, she had control of herself. You have the evidence. Other posters blaming the menopause is nonsense, it’s a way of not taking responsibility for behaviour, feelings and emotions.

Sometimes you can have no or very little control over your MH or behaviour as a peri/menopausal women.

Some women have to be sectioned.

In the 'olden days' women used to take to their beds for the rest of their lives or go into an institution.

Hysterectomy (removal of hormones) is related to the word hysteria.

Not saying it was this, but hormonal changes can be brutal - like PND or PMDD also.

Why is everyone blaming the menopause? The OP’s mum was just a horrible, nasty person, and took it out on a kid. I notice many women carry a lot of repressed rage and tend to take it out on younger women, jealously, misdirected rage.
I am sorry you endured what you did OP. I say this as a woman, but I feel women need to take ownership of their behaviour and not blame it on a biological process. It’s bullshit and reductive.

Hey op. Wanted to say this really resonates with mine and my sisters experiences of our mum. Over time we realised it wasn't us being teens that put her off us it was when we started thinking independently and questioned her. Again we were all very well behaved. Dad lived with us too. We don't talk about those years with our mum. Think she would deny most of it anyway. Said a few things to our dad and he says he didn't realise, but they're still together so can't really say too much to him.
I'm nearly 40 now. The relationship with my mum is damaged but not sure she knows that. None of her kids considers her a friend. Never been out to lunch with her or to the cinema etc. See her weekly with my dad. It's all very surface and pleasant. I've got 4 kids and I don't even leave them in a room with her let alone let her babysit. She's very critical of my parenting which is weird because I'm doing so much better than her.
I spent my entire teenage years wondering why I was alive and feeling worthless thanks to her.
I can't really move on. It's shaped me into who I am. I don't really want to talk with her about it as I don't want anything different from her now.
I don't know what I'll do if she goes after my dad and needs care. I don't think I'd be able to lovingly care for her.

Just ignore the trolls, OP. I couldn’t give a shit what my mother does with her money when she dies - and clearly neither do you.
Money is about control for her and I can’t be controlled (any more).

My brother and I call this ‘the mask’. A seething, unhinged woman spitting venom at her children who then performs a dramatic shift when the doorbell rings to perform all social niceties with a massive warm smile.
Chilling.
Luckily she didn’t always bother with the ‘mask’ in front of other kids. So my best childhood friend saw her in action and recalls it to this day.

Some mothers become jealous of their teenage children (especially daughters) because they are readying themselves for adulthood - their children have all of these opportunities that they no longer have available, and this can trigger feelings of jealousy. Add to that, teens are more independent and some parents often prefer their children when they're younger and easier to control. Could any of this explain your mother's behaviour, OP?

Thank you for writing this as I feel very similarly: I consider time spent with my mother time wasted that I could be spending with my ‘real’ loving family. We aren’t perfect by any means, but we love each other and try to do right by each other. Not so in my joyless childhood.

It’s not any sort of excuse but some women do get pretty unpleasant during the menopause.

And, a new baby was thrown into the mix.

It’s up to you whether you help her or not now, but it’s also up to her whether she chooses to retaliate regarding any money/assets she leaves.

I think it’s very likely that my mother was UNHINGED (and frankly incredibly cruel ) during my teens due to the menopause combined with an unhappy marriage and broader MH issues. However, according to her she ‘sailed’ through the menopause and was ‘one of the lucky ones’. She also says that she was under the impression at the time that she was happily married (because my father was absent doing 70 hour weeks). So there is nowhere to go with that discussion! She doesn’t want to explore the reasons why she emotionally abused her teenagers.

I went through this with my father, OP. The reason he turned at that age is that he sensed he couldn't control us as easily, and that triggered his anxieties about the unsafe world and the choices we would make. His anxiety about our safety came out as severe anger. It was horrible. I recognise now that this was a mental health issue on his part and he does have OCD behaviours. I get on with him okay now as he settled down when we were older and he no longer felt responsible for us. Just an idea, in case it makes sense for you.