Mum turned nasty to me as a teen. Struggling to look after her now. AIBU?

Thank you, @Castolaya , it seems so obvious when an outsider says it. My mum was also very misogynistic and placed men far above women. Oh, and she also reckoned that she 'sailed through the menopause'. This was to fit in with my horrible father's ideas that women were lying about the side effects.

Honestly I think this is a lot more likely to be the reason.

Women spent their time repressing very valid emotions to fit in with a very repressive judgemental society set up abc controlled by men. In my experience a lot of this was projected on to me and my sister.

My mother was very misogynistic and really bought into all of the male supremacy ideas.

She therefore took anything uncomfortable out on my sister and me including the abuse we experienced at the hands of a family member. She continued that well before as well as after the initial flurry of menopause. It would be incredibly depressing if women continue to go along with this hormones cause everything narrative. It has done so much damage to women in the past as has been well explained by other posters.

@Bluecrocodilewould you ever consider raising with your mum how she treated you in the past? I am not sure what sort of state she’s in at the moment / if she’s able to speak coherently

I had tears in my eyes reading this. I'm so so sorry you experienced this and you are an incredible person for caring for her despite all of that.

I hope life has been good to you in other ways 🌺

Yanbu for not being able to forgive her behaviour towards you. There’s a lot of focus on people to forgive and forget abusive behaviour from those closest to us.

You did the right thing and put distance between you and your mum for a while. And you made sure you were fully independent from her when you resumed contact. I’m not sure it’s the best thing to be caring for her given her past behaviour?

I think you’re right to say her cruelty wasn’t due to being menopausal or the stress of your sister having a baby. It seems to chime in with you becoming a teenager. Prior to that everything was good with your mum. Did your father ever comment on this abrupt change? Do you know anything about your mum’s upbringing? What were her parents like? Were her parents religious?

I am so sorry you are not being heard here, OP. The posters insisting on this absurd menopause-as-excuse explanation are distracting and derailing the thread to an unconscionable degree.

OP doesn’t need random mumsnetters to explain away her mother’s abuse. She suffered horrendous neglect and abuse as a teenager! There is no excuse! She has to deal with the damage everday! She works gard to break the cycle of abuse by raising her teens livingly and intentionally! She deserves support for this not to be undermined and carped at in bhalf of her abusive mother.

She is an absalute disgrace and a useless mother, despite your earlier happier memories but abandoning you just because your sister had a baby is absurd, abusive, traumatising to you as a child and cruel.

As she calmed down a bit after your sisters child grew up and left home, your sisters pregnancy may have caused her some financial worries as raising kids is expensive , however this is no excuse for how she treated you.

Some people get closure from completely cutting contact with their abusive parent(s) and others choose to help them during their old age but the choice is yours but remember, don't go feeling guilty if you choose to cut contact, wether she needs you now or not.

Sounds like narcissism to me and I mean actual narcissism not the bandied about stuff people like to mention on here. I had the same with my narc mother, as soon as I started having my own opinions and thoughts and she could not control them she pretty much shoved me aside. Years of nastiness and spitefulness followed because far from being the 'loser' she tried to make me out to be to other people I have thrived in my life. I went NC with her a few years ago and my life got more peaceful.

Have a look at the Stately homes threads. Sadly many of us have mothers like this and it is nothing we have done.

Write down all the shiity things she did and tell her to read it. Ignore tears or tantrums.

Even if she denies it all you may get some release from making her read it - or at least show her that you remember all the cruelty.

I'd have absolutely nothing to do with her so you're a better person than me.

Agree with you, totally, about real life.

Awful to read, that type of abuse never leaves you.
You poor woman.

I agree and it's balls anyway because anyone whose parent was abusive does not have straightforward feelings about any inheritance money anyway! This poster obviously had no experience of less than perfect parenting.

I have been there too OP. To give you a general idea, the last time she beat me up with objects and fists dragging me around the room on the floor was when I was 18, just before I left home to never return. That day I turned up to work with bruises on my face. She strangled me when I was about 11 for no particular reason, I still remember her nails digging into my neck as she squeezed it. She hit me with a metal bar (a handle from a mop) as I was holding out my forearms in front of me as a sort of shield. She bullied me, in particular once I hit teenage years, and encouraged my brother to join in. She read my diaries and, when I accidentally lost one and it was subsequently found by an adult who returned it promptly having realised it was mine, lied to me that that adult had read it and my life was about to implode as a result and watched me cry and sob in the kitchen for a while before telling the truth that the adult didn’t read my diary and just returned it. When I was around 3 years old and we were on the way to nursery, she smacked me in the face so hard my face was awash with blood. I remember her checkered hanky she gave me to catch the blood and clean myself. That’s just a few snippets.

People on here and most people in the world will not understand you (good for them!). Suggesting menopause as an explanation or an excuse can only come from a place of blissful ignorance.

I have tried to separate my childhood from my mother now, even just for the sake of my children so there’s a relationship. I have tried to view it that my childhood was one part of time and then now, my adult years and my children, is not to be viewed as a continuation. I tried not to think about the past around her. I have mostly managed to maintain contact and even took her on holidays and treated her.

However, as she’s getting older, I’m realising I will not be able to be her carer and will not want to invest financially either. I just don’t love her. I don’t trust her, don’t like her. I genuinely believe she’s a disappointment in every way. She’s a disappointing grandmother. Due to my parents’ neglect and abuse, my brother now requires care and she’s been very disappointing in that regard too. I won’t be able to give, because I can’t pour from an empty cup. My heart is void of emotion for her and my mind is void of desire to help.

In case you’re wondering, my father silently watched it all happen when we were kids, was an absent parent. Sometimes would tell her things about us instead of actually parenting/explaining something and that would result in violence from her as that’s her way to parent. He’s now crippled, living alone and it’s a waiting game now. I went no contact with him (he’d previously reach out a couple of times a year to tell me how he was). I don’t help financially.

do not Feel guilty whatever you decide. Life is not that complicated

I have found it really helpful to read your posts because your experiences align so much with my own. I’m in my 40s. And it’s still deeply troubling to me my mums sudden change in behaviour although I can see that she and her siblings aren’t emotionally healthy and probably never were.

I have four daughters - I love them so much it would hurt me to ever say anything verbally abusive to them.

I'm not, my parents are skint. My mum told her dad to spend all his money before he dies and enjoy himself. (He and my nan go on lots of holidays.) I won't be leaving DS much either, unless you count nail polish. (Although there are collectors of old make up now, so assume there will be people doing the same in 50 years time.)

This 100%.
My first thought would be fuck you and toxic parent and fuck your money then drop them from my life. I've several toxic people out of my life, my life is good as I don't need to be thinking about them. anymore.

Honestly I've read some stuff on mn but this is horrible. Our parents should be our number 1 fans. It is terrible what some endure

I’m wondering if this is what caused my own mother to suddenly turn on me. When I got to about 14, I was suddenly attracting a lot of attention and I clearly remember my mum saying ‘Nobody would be looking at you that way if they knew what a horrible person you are’.

It really is appalling. There is never any excuse for violence and abuse. Imagine if a man threw somnthing at his dp and said 'oh sorry I was having a testosterone surge'. Bollocks.

I hope nobody pays much attention to this. Caring for someone who can't live independently any more or can but only with a lot of support is hard work in every way and it isn't always possible for an adult child to do it. In my family, for example, my parents chose to retire to a place that was a long way from both their adult children. Now that my mother is very frail and barely mobile the only practical solution to keep her safe and comfortable is for her to live in a nursing home near my brother. She has not been 'dumped' there. She has visitors virtually every day. My brother and I have not failed as adult children and my mother has told us both repeatedly how much she appreciates what we have done for her. It's not a great state of affairs, but that's largely because she's 93 and terminally ill.

Exactly, can’t believe some people trying to justify this. Absolute nonsense.

Those struggling with mh tend to have issues broadly. They don't target a young dc to bully and abuse whilst displaying normal behaviour with everybody else.

Agree with this

It's easy to say "Oh I'd never do that", but mental health / menopause etc can have a huge impact

Totally agree. There is a ever a 'reason' for abuse other than a nasty person with absolutely no self control.