I’m 35 and have been with my partner for 4 years. We actually met again completely by chance after many years of not seeing each other, hit it off, were messaging for a week or so and decided to go on a date and he asked to meet up for a coffee and a walk. Before we had even been on our first date, I told my friend that we had hit it off messaging and we’re going for coffee because I wanted to be upfront with her.
He had been her boyfriend at university when they were around 18–20. They were together for about 2 years. They broke up nearly 20 years ago and obviously people change enormously between 18 and 36.
When I told her, after a couple time of meeting him that we are officially seeing each other I specifically asked if she had a problem with it. She said no, so I took that at face value. I wasn’t sneaking around or getting into a relationship with her ex behind her back. I actually even told her before we’d been on the first date.
We’ve now been together for 4 years. We moved in together & he proposed earlier this year and I said yes. We’re very happy, are buying a house together and would like to have children. We have a wedding date set for next June, invitations have gone out and our university friends have been absolutely lovely about it , RSVPs, messages, people booking hotels etc. They’re genuinely excited for us.
When I told this particular friend about the engagement, she said, “Oh, are you going to marry my ex?” I reminded her that we’d been together for 4 years and that I had told her about us from the very beginning. She then said that she’d only said she had no problem with it because she didn’t think we would last.
That has really thrown me.
I completely understand that she might have complicated feelings about it. I’m not trying to tell her how she should feel. But at some point, surely you have to accept that this was a relationship from university when you were 18 years old?
It’s not as though they were together for 15 years, were engaged, had children or had some huge life together. They were university sweethearts for a couple of years, nearly 20 years ago. She has since married, had children and divorced. He and I have now built an actual adult life together over the last four years.
And honestly, I find it particularly difficult because I had exactly the reverse situation myself. One of my friends married someone I had dated at university. I was 18. They got together years later and eventually married and have children. I genuinely didn't have an issue with it. I thought, “We were teenagers at university, life moved on,” and I was happy for them.
So I’m struggling with why I’m apparently supposed to feel guilty now.
I also wonder whether this friendship may simply be worth losing if this is something she can’t move past. Obviously I’d rather not lose a friend, but I don’t think I can spend the rest of my life feeling that I’ve done something wrong by marrying my partner.
All our other university friends seem completely happy for us and are looking forward to the wedding. Nobody else seems to see this as some enormous betrayal.
AIBU to think she needs to let this go? I can understand her feeling upset, but I don’t think she gets a veto over a relationship that started nearly 20 years after theirs ended.
Or am I being completely insensitive about the fact that, regardless of how long ago it was, he will always be “her ex” to her?