AIBU to wonder whether to text a colleague whose wife is dying?

If you’ve never text him before, I would send a card.

I work in a similar environment and would/have texted in at times like this in the past.

Just keep it simple, no intrusive questions and nothing thst he has to reply to.

Keep it simple..."Thinking of you and your wife at this very difficult time".

I think the fact that work has provided a list if personal mobile numbers is important. It suggests that occasionally using them may be appropriate.

I agree that this is such a time. I stand with everyone who has both deeply appreciated this outreach and felt its absence. I also agree that your message should emphasise that you are thinking of both your colleague and his wife.

I would make it personal, without bringing in anyone else unless they specifically wish to be included. No one has asked you to do this, after all. But it is a lovely thought.

Oh I’m so sorry. That is genuinely shocking that no one reached out to you after such a terrible loss. It’s very hard to understand as I just can’t imagine not acknowledging a loss like that. I hope you found a warmer group of colleagues. I have and this post and the replies are making me appreciate them even more.

I once had a lot of time off work in a similar situation. I appreciated singular texts from people I didn’t know well wishing me well. Ones that asked intrusive questions and tried to make it seem like we were closer than we are landed badly and felt intrusive. So it’s a fine line. However, you are thinking about him and feeling sorry for his loss/situation so I think it’s ok to let him know that. And then leave it there.

I completely agree with this.

"Over-stepping" would be besieging him with messages. "Inappropriate" would be turning up at the funeral, uninvited. A single, well-judged and compassionate message expressing sympathy can never be over-stepping.

I think its batshit that concern about being "inappropriate" would trump concern for someone's welfare. It's quite a British thing, this, in many cultures it wouldn't cross anyone's mind to consider that expressing sympathy would be inappropriate. For all the things I love about this country, I find it really fucked up that people would worry more about "being inappropriate" than about the need to be compassionate to someone going through a dark time.

This is exactly what i would do, and have done in the past. Except that it was the man who was dying, not their spouse. Even a collegue who didn't get on the the individual and had been in spats with him wrote a lovely message.

Not liking someone at work is completely different to wishing them ill, or ignoring them in an tragic life event. And it doesn't have to be about assuaging guilt either, everyone can benefit from a bit of catharsis, putting aside work nonsense and aknowledging that we're all just humans trying to bugger our way through this thing called life.

It's a lovely thought OP.

Yes, this. I find it odd that people can treat those that they spend 8 hours daily with as if they were complete strangers.

I had this too.

I was pregnant and I was rushed into hospital before full term and before I went on maternity leave. I lost my baby and was in ICU for weeks.

I got a bunch of flowers from work but no card or anything, just a generic 'thinking of you'.

Despite having each others mobile numbers only one out of my team text me personally to say I am sorry for your loss. ONE!

When I eventually was given a clean bill of health, and to go back to work, 3 months later, not one person at work addressed what had happened or spoke about it or offered up personal words of 'sorry'. Everyone just completely ignored it and I was so bloody hurt that I handed my notice in and left the company.

I get that people may feel weird or awkward but for me, its not an excuse to ignore something heartbreaking, massive and life changing that had happened in my life. Its just human nature to show empathy and compassion.

Good I'm very glad you're going to do it but I think you should make it clear the message is from all of you to both of them.

I would send a message.

However I did this in the past and then received a series of absolutely distraught phone calls from a colleague who was grieving. We weren’t that close so her judgement was off. It was also very triggering for me as someone who hadn’t quite dealt with my own grief of losing a parent.

Hopefully this guy will have better boundaries.

Same. I once worked on a team that completely ignored a terrible situation I was in. It made it very difficult for me to go back to work, as my whole life had changed beyond recognition and not one of them ever acknowledged it, and I left as soon as I could. I’ve never forgotten their coldness.

This is the best way. It doesn’t cross any lines and gives a collective feeling of support

I think you are doing the right thing sending a brief 'thinking of you' message just from you

Yes I think you should message him. I think we can overthink things like this, I have in the past, but I think it’s human to say something.

Absolutely 100% agree. It's awful to feel like nobody cares about you when you're going through something so life changing. I had a different situation but nobody from work reached out to me, and i felt so isolated and forgotten about. It was awful.

Really shocking that people wouldn’t message him at a time like this. Some things are bigger than a person being bad tempered or unpopular.

Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself……. So yes I would message him, even if he wouldn’t likely do the same

I would txt, my wife was in intensive care last year and they weren't sure if she would survive.
I was grateful for every message l got. Was also a little hurt that only one person from work messaged me in 12 weeks. We had worked together for years. I get people dont know what to say or dont want to intrude,but a simple thinking of you message is not really intruding.

There's no work place I've ever worked in where it wouldn't be normal to reach out and send a text saying that you were thinking of him.

I'm totally shocked at the number of people who wouldn't!

I find it sad that simple acts of kindness can now be construed as ‘over stepping’ or ‘inappropriate’. What have we come to that we give so much thought to these things in case we offend.
I wouldn’t hesitate.

I would send a message.
From personal experience, a few years ago, DH was very ill, and I was caring for him; we had both been members of the same club for over 20 years. Not one person contacted us, just a text to say they were thinking of us would have meant a lot.
Once DH recovered, we got involved with the club again, but my attitude to all the people had changed, I took a step back, and stopped doing things I had been doing before.