AIBU to wonder whether to text a colleague whose wife is dying?

You're overthinking it.

My husband died two months ago after a short illness and both he and I got random messages from a whole variety of people.

Just send it, it's not like he has to answer if he doesn't want to.

I’m surprised by some of these responses. Unless he has told you himself or authorised someone else to do so, you can’t go around gossiping or mentioning his personal situation. I feel very strongly about this. I’m ill with cancer and have heard nothing from my work colleagues because I asked my manager not to tell anyone. I have only told her. She had to tell HR and her manager, which I knew about. I would be appalled to get messages from my work colleagues, even though they are lovely people. It’d be a gross invasion of my privacy, and it’d disciplinary action, no doubt, for the person who told others.

That sounds perfect.

Why are the personal phone numbers available?

If he had given you his telephone number, then that would be one thing, but if you haven’t had it directly from him, then no.

I wouldn’t

When my DD was in primary school, one of her friends dad died. It was quick and unexpected. I didn't really know the mum very well but when I saw her the next morning, she was walking across the playground with her DC and the other parents were just sort of watching her and obviously so awkward. I walked right over and probably said the wrong thing but I told her I'd rather come and say something than nothing and I was so sorry etc. She told me much later that she was so grateful that someone had said anything as that first walk across the playground was awful for her.
Please do say something to him.

Just do it. When DH was dying a few months ago I appreciated nice messages from anyone.

When I was away from work when my partner was dying I had some messages from people who I rarely interacted with at all. They were very much appreciated and I found it incredibly kind, not weird.
Send a message.

Message or card from the team.

Would be perfectly normal to do this.

I wouldn't. If it was a colleague you weren't particularly close to, but considered a work friend, definitely do it. But someone you actively dislike?

We’ve had a similar situation at work and sadly the wife died last week. Several people sent texts but made it clear ‘no response needed’ so that he didn’t feel as though he needed to reply. We’ve signed a card and have clubbed together for some flowers too.

In a scenario like this, obviously you don’t want to be intrusive but at the same time, this is a man who’s going through hell and he might really appreciate knowing that people care.

Perfect. It would be very well received I’m sure, whereas a solitary text might arrive at a very bad moment snd allow him totally to misinterpret it.
Frankly I think your boss or HR should be on this already; what a shower.
Good for you for having him in your thoughts.

I absolutely would send a message, wouldn’t think twice about it. It’s a perfectly normal and human thing to do. They must be going through hell. I would also approach HR about sending a card collectively. I can’t think of a single reason why anybody wouldn’t do that for a colleague about to navigate horrendous loss.

I agree -give him the benefit of the doubt and send a supportive text. Perhaps he’s been bad tempered and dismissive lately because he’s not coping with his wife’s illness. Life as a carer for someone with a terminal illness alongside paid work is a tough gig: It’s not to excuse bad behaviour in the workplace but it might explain it.

I would discuss with the manager and be prepared to send a generic text on behalf of the team

Not quite the same but I have an elderly vulnerable relative who had been a tenant of the same housing provider for 20 odd years. She lives alone and is disables and feels quite bitter that no one from the agency or the housing provider got in touch during Covid to make sure she was ok or needed any kind of help. She thought she had a good relationship with the LL but has now become very transactional in her thinking. She says she would not have expected practical help but just an email or text would have been appreciated. She herself signed up with a local charity to ring and chat to several older people.

A message saying you are thinking of him and his wife is a kind gesture and one that might bring him a shred of comfort in what must be a time of incredible grief and sadness and darkness

I don’t understand the drama here. Just send a brief message to him letting him know that he and his family are in your thoughts.

I would get a nice card and make all of the team sign it. It will mean more than one person's message.

I'd be careful with sending heartfelt messages if you're not good friends. Men in their grandiose ego tend to think that every woman that is friendly and nice to them is hitting on them. I've seen this over and over again.

Omg some of these responses. Check with HR?! Overstepping!! Send him a message and say you're thinking of him. Your decency and common sense should prevail x

I would send a card from everyone in the office, after telling them that’s what you will be doing

Not his boss, not his wife, obviously. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I covered temporarily for someone who was off because his wife was dying. I emailed him to let him know that I had arrived, his team were in good hands, and that we were all thinking about him and sending him and his wife our best wishes. When he came back to work he thanked me for reaching out as he’d had no contact from anyone else in the office - not his wife, not HR, not his deputy. It made a difference to him, so please do send something, even if from the team.

I personally would, just say thinking of you, no need to respond etc