AIBU to wonder whether to text a colleague whose wife is dying?

Boundaries - you say he isn't pleasant to work with, and even if he was I wouldn't. If you feel you must do something have a word with your manager and see what he/she says. Go on their lead.

Personally I think it's more appropriate to wait until his wife has passed, and send a colendensces card with prior permission.

Whatever you do don't put from you and the team on a card. The team might not like it as it's being presumptuous they would approve. Best is to ask people to sign a card if you do that

I would text him to say that you are thinking of him but don't expect a reply.

Message him. It's not crossing any line, it's being a human.

Make the message as human poss - so 'Sending kind thoughts at this difficult time. I hope you are doing OK and your wife is comfortable. (name)

I'm glad you sent the message @Skyflier - you did the right thing.

It's really sad to think so many people told you not to. Having been through it yourself, you knew it was the right thing to do.

He's probably been prickly and difficult to work with due to having this in the background.

When he returns to work, I'm sure you'll offer him the compassion and empathy he needs, as he sadly won't receive any from any of the others.

I could be inappropriate because the colleague wants to keep his work life fairly separate from his personal life, for example, so that when he comes back it is easier for him to be able to focus/compartmentalise, which is how some people's minds work. If he hasn't been very forthcoming with details, and people don't typically use his private number, that might be a possibility.

Or he might not want messages from people who don't really care, which is often the case with colleagues - they are messaging because it feels like they should, they feel guilty, they want to look like nice people, whatever. Not everyone would find a message from a random colleague who doesn't actually care that much very comforting or kind, and it might seem inappropriate for them to be sending it because it's more about them than the person who is suffering.

I am not saying that those are the case here (they clearly aren't), or indeed in many cases. but sometimes they are. And I think it's worth people thinking around the topic a bit about what other people might or might not find helpful or kind or comforting, as it's clearly not always the same, and that's actually quite useful to be aware of.

I also thought what the previous poster did. If his wife has been ill for some years, this is likely significantly contributing to his bad temperedness

Can’t believe the number of people who wouldn’t send a kind message. Really shocked actually. How can it be inappropriate to be kind to a work colleague - or any acquaintance going through something like that?

So many people are saying it would overstep. How is sending a message to a colleague saying thinking of him during this difficult time. I’m sure it’d be appreciated and know people care.

I probably would.

I would maybe text him, telling him how you lost your husband and that you are there for him if he would like to talk. He maybe doesn't know that you have also lost someone, so you know what he is going through. He might not reach out, but you aren't crossing a boundary.

Yes send the message. When dd died, I got a handful of messages from work colleagues. I remember them all, 8 years on.

Maybe he "isn't a nice person" because of what has been going on in his personal life.

If it was me, I would be quite touched to someone reaching out to me at such a bad time.

I personally would send the message, maybe just explain you know what he is going through, and if he wants/needs to talk your there. Men aren't great at showing feelings or talking let's face it

I can't imagine an office culture where there's even a question about this. For sure send a message. I (male) have a colleague (female) who's hubby is waiting for an op and I made a point of having a 30 minute teams call (we work remotely) for just the two of us so we could catch up on "life". If it was someone I didn't particularly gel with I'd have definitely sent a message instead, and someone would already have arranged a card. When there's been a family bereavement a bouquet is sent.

If his wife's been ill for years is it any wonder he's prickly and bad tempered?

A couple of times recently (with intimidating bosses) I’ve preempted condolences with ‘At the risk of saying nothing’ and going from there. It is rubbish when someone you love dies and even worse if no one mentions it. It sparks more of a conversation if they want but also they can just say thanks and walk off.

Why?

I wonder if it’s the current times, everyone terrified of offending someone. When I was very ill in hospital with cancer thirty year’s ago I was inundated with cards, well wishes and visitors from my work. Obviously no texts in those days but no one was giving a thought to overstepping or the appropriateness. Male colleagues were just as forthcoming in their well wishes as the women. It’s a sad world today to have to wonder if genuine kindness might be misconstrued.

Just send a message. If you have his contact details through legitimate means and the situation with his wife wasn’t a secret then sending a “I didn’t know if you’d want to hear from anyone at work but just to let you know you are in our thoughts.” May be welcomed. And if not, no harm done.

Glad you sent the message OP.

It's almost become a thing not to make human connections or not cross boundaries in some work places, it's changed so much in the last 20 years and it's isolating. A bit of kindness and compassion is no bad thing.

Do what your heart is telling you….I’d say send a brief message 😊

My friend was widowed when we were relatively young. She always said doing nothing was the worst thing when someone dies, showing you care is never wrong, doesnt matter what you do. So i think you've absolutely done the right thing texting, and I'm sure he'll appreciate it.
There needs to be more kindness and people like you in the world 💐

This.

You did the right thing. I absolutely would have done the same.

I would think if he has had a very serious ill wife for years who is now dying he’s allowed to be grumpy and difficult. How do any of us know how we’d behave in similar circumstances?

Depends if people actually DO care, or are thinking of him or not, as to whether I'd suggest a team message, or just something personal. Often it seems like people feel like they should send something, so they say "thinking of you" or whatever, when, really, they're not. They are vaguely sorry it's happened, or glad it's not happening to them, or whatever, but don't honestly think about the person very much, particularly if they're not hugely popular. I don't like getting messages in that situation - especially when accompanied by the "if there's anything I can do..." - because it turns out they don't necessarily want to be taken up on that, either! I'd appreciate messages only from someone who does honestly care, even a small amount, and isn't just sending a message because they feel guilty, or feel like it'll protect them from it happening to them, or because they want to seem like a good person etc. It sounds here like the OP is genuinely thinking about him, so that's fine, but the rest of the team might not, and I think it's probably good not to end up with a bit of a meaningless group message.