AIBU to ask a hobby group member to stop messaging so much?

There is no reason why the OP should have used the word 'sorry' in her message. You have to be firm and assertive with people like that, because anything else is like water off a duck's back to them.

This man had become a real annoying nuisance and the OP had every right to tell him to back off and leave her alone. The OP is not responsible for managing this man's sensitivity.

Urgh, what the fuck is wrong with men? Why do they think they are entitled to womens time and attention, and if they don't get it/the women push them away and say no, they get aggressive and nasty.

I have lost count of the amount of times I have heard a man say 'miserable cow' when a woman he has spoken to (or hurled some hilarious quip at,) didn't pay him attention. All women who don't fall at his feet and laugh at his pathetic dad jokes (and sometimes racist, bigoted, or sexist 'jokes') are miserable cows, probably frigid too, and more than likely a lesbian. 🙄

Can you tell I have suffered the same as you have a number of times in my life @YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan

As has been said, block him, and tell everyone at the group why. What a cunt he is. As annoyed as you are about this, just be thankful for one thing, you're not married to him. His poor wife, having this useless lecherous perv of a man for a husband. What does he actually bring to her life?

I have to say, and I'm not apologising or explaining myself, I HATE men at hobby groups. For a number of reasons. They love the sound of their own voice, they think they're more clever than anyone else there, they're know-it-alls, and they (as has been illustrated here) think nothing of getting too friendly with the women in the group. Even when they show ZERO romantic interest in him.

I had to leave a hobby group once, because of one particular odious middle aged man who kept winking at me, trying to sit close to me, and trying to touch me/hold my hand. I am married and had my engagement and wedding rings on, and spoke about my husband a few times too. Didn't stop him trying it on though. Cunt.

I also agree that #BEKIND can burn in hell. Why is this always aimed exclusively at women? Fuck that shit.

It’s really unfair that the group has made you feel as though you’re in the wrong when you were quite simply enforcing reasonable boundaries. Block him, ignore stupid comments re be kind, that horribly overused phrase which often equals being a total doormat and allowing others to be a pita. The guy is needy and desperate for interaction but has done this very badly wrong.

bitontheobtuse

sorry doesn’t have to mean ‘you’re not in the wrong’- the word is missing from too many interactions now with people along with people mistaking being blunt for saying what needs to be said

You can set groups on fb - for example’close friends’ and include everyone except Bob in that group. Then when you post you post for ‘close friends’ and Bob won’t see it. A bit of a faff but if you’d rather not have the tricky discussion you could do that.

I post to my friends (excluding... ) and I add people to that exclusion list.

Omg 🤣🤣🤣

I disagree with the posters saying set him to 'restricted' friends @YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan IMO you need to block him.

Well done, OP, on putting in an appropriate boundary. The people telling you to accept his behaviour ABU.

Why is he on long term sick @YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan ?

As he has shared this information with you and the group presumably, surely he also said why? He clearly wants people to know his business.

If I was on long term sick I would not tell anyone. It's none of their business. If people were prodding and prying, trying to find out why I didn't go out to work, I would say I am retired. If I was too young - like under 50 - I would say I work from home, in a Government job or Local Authority job or something. (Or I am self employed...)

But yeah, what's wrong with him? Why is he on long term sick?

As you have said - and many women on Mumsnet will tell you - his boredom and loneliness is not your problem. You say he is married... Why isn't he talking to - and engaging with his wife? Why is all his energy going into constantly messaging random women at his hobby group?

As I say, you need to block him. he's a nuisance, and has been pestering you. To hell with the fact he has been messaging others. That's their problem to sort (if it bothers them.) He has shown you who is is by slagging you off to people behind your back, for having the audacity to tell him to stop messaging you all the time!

Block him.

!

Or just get off Facebook altogether. This story is a perfect example of its pitfalls.

Zov · Today 11:59 "As has been said, block him, and tell everyone at the group why. What a cunt he is. As annoyed as you are about this, just be thankful for one thing, you're not married to him. His poor wife, having this useless lecherous perv of a man for a husband. What does he actually bring to her life?"

Where are you getting that he's a "useless lecherous perv" from? 😕
What did he do or say that was lecherous or perverted?

Yes, exactly. I think Facebook has had its day, but it can be useful to keep in touch with people who live far away. It does have a BLOCK function too, so I can't understand why the OP hasn't used it on this particular man.

If this needs to be explained to you then I can't help you.

It would have been better just to ignore Bob in this circumstance I think. You've given him ammo to have a go at you now and it's worked.

That sounds smothering, suffocating and it’d piss me off no end. Clearly Bob has no self awareness or social skills.

@YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan Take heart OP !

One good test of whether or not your new-found boundaries are working is complaints from others.
This is because they don't like your new-found confidence and wish you would go back to being the push-over you were before.

Keep going !

You haven't done anything wrong, but I think there probably was a more tactful way to deal with it.

If this is a hobby that people join to help their mental health (as was the case for you and presumably, to some extent, Bob) then there is likely more of a 'be kind' culture than there might be elsewhere. You will likely find that people will tolerate Bob's excessive Facebook usage because they feel sorry for him and he's not actually doing any harm. I also do a hobby that's a bit like this. There is definitely more tolerance for people who are....erm....'socially unusual' than there is in other places, which can be annoying sometimes. But that's what makes it a suitable hobby for people who are struggling socially because of mental health issues or neurodivergence. It's a bit of a catch 22.

You have done nothing wrong, you just need space and the persistant messaging from Bob has become to intense, the trouble is he does not understanstand neticate ( net etticate) and is likely to be lonely himself, hence his persistant messages.

His actions towards you have been cruel and to bad mouth you to the group is nasty I suggest you block him on Facebook to give yourself a break from his constant messages and explain to the group members that he had put you in an awkward situation with the constant messages and that you do not have the head space for this right now.

Then if the group members understand your situation, their attitudes may change but remember if you are feeling vulnerable and the groups attitude to you is sour, this is bad for your MH, as it can drain you.

Fuck that.

What if Bob wanted to have sex with her? Should she be kind to him and do it? Because it might hurt his precious male ego if she said no.

I hate this “be kind” mentality. It means be a doormat, be a pushover, put up with any old crap. I’ll stay unkind thanks.

OP Facebook has a feature that when you post things it allows you to exclude specified people from seeing the post. Exclude Bob.

And please continue with your hobby group. If there’s anyone there who seems to be on your side, tell them the whole story of what Bob did. It will soon spre@d throughout the group.

I’m really angry on your behalf OP. Typically bullying entitled overstepping man.

I love you.

I think this nails it tbh.

I really hate the whole #BeKind movement. Although it doesn’t annoy me half as much as its latest reincarnation “Do better”. They’re both almost always aimed at women and have a misogynistic core ie/women should always be kind. Fuck that.

However, having said that…..

I do try to show empathy to others when it’s deserved. I don’t think ignoring the whole #BeKind bollocks means we have to stop caring about other people’s feelings entirely. I don’t think you should be obliged to - it’s up to us all where we draw our line. But generally I do care whether I hurt someone’s feelings if they’re harmless. The way I would think of this situation is how would I want someone to treat my Nan if she was lonely, unwell, and clearly socially clueless.

You don’t have to sacrifice your own feelings, or ignore boundaries - and nor should you!! You haven’t done anything wrong OP, but if I were in your shoes, the way you tackled it would have been my last resort.

There’s nothing to suggest Bob is lecherous or pervy. He’s unwell and lonely and looking for interaction. That doesn’t make him your problem but I’d probably tailor my approach with that in mind.

I would have (in order):

Restricted my posts so he couldn’t see them
Not responded to his messages/comments - I wouldn’t even read them - I’d archive him
If asked in person, I’d say that I don’t have the time/mental space for messages - nothing personal

People like him usually stop when they’re not getting what they need, but if not, my next step would be to block him.

Because the group you’ve joined was recommended to help with your depression and Bob is unwell too, I’d assume that it’s a particularly sympathetic space for people who are different. And complaining about an established group member that others seem to regard fondly - especially when you’re relatively new - is never going to be well-received.

To reiterate, you’re not wrong OP. And in other situations it might have been better to have taken the direct approach, as you did. But in a sympathetic, feel-good hobby group where getting on with others is front-and-centre I’d have probably been a bit more tactful - not even because of him, but because the collective response was predictable and it’s caused you distress.

Having said all of that, it will blow over. Don’t let it stop you going.