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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask a hobby group member to stop messaging so much?

133 replies

YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan · 15/08/2026 09:34

I've suffered badly from depression and was encouraged to join a hobby group for company and to make new friends. I did that. I've settled in well and I enjoy going to the group. It's really helped me. I'm not very good with social situations and this was a big step for me.

The group also has a Facebook group where people talk during the week. I joined that too and also several people added me as friends, including Bob.

Bob has health problems and is on long term sick. His wife works and he just seems to sit in the house all day watching TV and using Facebook. He's ok to talk to at the hobby but not someone I'd be a close friend with and meet up with out of the hobby.

Since he befriended me on Facebook, it's got to the point where I feel like he's suffocating me on there. Every time I post a status update or a photo, he likes it within seconds, posts a public comment under it and then sends a Messenger message to discuss it. If I post on someone else's status or in a public group that he's not connected to, that is liked, he adds a comment, then messages to discuss that. Close friends and family have noticed and asked who the hell is this Bob character who's all over your stuff?!

He messages me updates from the hobby which I already get as I'm already subscribed to my own notifications that I catch up on when it's convenient for me. He sends me updates of stuff he's watching on TV that I'm not interested in. He sends me reels that he's seen and wants to discuss those. Recent examples are a black and white reel of where he grew up and several paragraphs of him reminiscing about his childhood. A reel about a medical condition and several paragraphs explaining how his neighbour struggles with that.

It got to the point where I muted the conversation as I was dreading it every time my phone made the new message noise and I was hesitant about using Facebook as I usually would due to his behaviour.

I grew some balls and worked up the courage to say please stop it. I was very polite and explained why I don't need him to message the hobby updates, I'm not interested in the stuff he watches on TV and I haven't got time for lengthy chats about stuff he's seen on reels.

He's took massive offence at this and bad mouthed me at the hobby. I've had several people have a go at me for upsetting him. When I've said I can't cope with the intensity of his interactions on Facebook, everyone has said that's just Bob and it's kinder just to humour him.

I now feel uncomfortable attending the hobby group as people are being cold towards me because I've offended Bob.

Have I done anything wrong here? I don't understand why the rest of the group think his needs of wanting to send millions of messages are greater than mine for not wanting to receive so much contact from him.

OP posts:
Bacarditropicalfizz · 15/08/2026 09:46

Fucking hell. YANBU! This would cause me stress.

Why should your life be impacted because he can’t rein it in? You’re allowed boundaries. I used to have a Bob who was my neighbour and I had to start being cold with him to get him to be more distant.

Speakeasier · 15/08/2026 09:46

You’re fine and haven’t done anything wrong. Although I think I wouldn’t have confronted him directly because some men in particular get aggressive when you do. I would hide your SM posts so he can’t see them but don’t delete him as a FB friend. I would also continue mute his posts so you don’t see them.

I’d be friendly enough in person and if anyone tells you off just mention your own mental health and you need to be careful about how you interact with people so you don’t get overwhelmed (which is true). People are quite happy to volunteer others to put up with this stuff as long as they preserve their self image as a lovely person.

TBH I think it’s sexism because there’s a belief that (particularly youngish) women have to be nice all the time or else they’re wicked old witches. I’ll bet he doesn’t bombard the men with that stuff.

Frumpitydoo · 15/08/2026 09:45

It's ok to be the villain in someone else's story to be the hero in your own. I feel this applies to so many situations, as a reformed people pleaser.

Catza · 15/08/2026 09:43

Press on with the hobby. You did absolutely nothing wrong and, I am sure, many people in your group wish they had done the same. You are just getting "the newcomer" treatment and it will blow over once they have something more interesting to focus on.

Shedmistress · 15/08/2026 09:43

They just want you to be Bob's latest target, it takes the heat off them.

Block Bob, never respond to anything and just keep going to your group. If anyone has a pop at you tell them 'you are free to take up the full time unpaid job of Bob's Best Mate any time'.

DadsMoulting · 15/08/2026 09:43

Well done for joining in the first place. Sounds like you already had balls.
Bob is a pain in the arse. You are not wrong to have asked him to stop. If the hobby group is more enjoyable than not and if it’s genuinely helping then I’d say carry on for a bit and assume Bob and his enablers will get over it.
Wishing you well.

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/08/2026 09:41

You have done nothing wrong at all. You have just put up appropriate boundaries. No one in their right mind would have bandwidth to be bombarded with information from a person who they barely know.

I’m quite surprised that the others in the hobby group have reacted as they did; they presumably know Bob and know what he’s like.

Did you tell them he basically stalked you?

Really important that you don’t allow this to knock your confidence. Keep doing the hobby. It will blow over and if Bob continues to badmouth you people will realise what is going on. Don’t let this derail your progress.

Nousernameideaaga · 15/08/2026 09:36

No you haven’t done anything wrong. Bob needed to be told and clearly nobody else was brave enough to do it. If he carries on, have a word with his wife