AIBU to ask a hobby group member to stop messaging so much?

Is @YorkshirePuddingsGreatestFan female? I missed where they said that?

You did nothing wrong. You put a boundary in place. Hopefully it'll blow over soon. He's a dick bad mouthing you.

I’d go through my settings on Facebook, you can even block it from receiving friends requests and from people being able to find you from your email or phone number. I never add or accept friend requests from colleagues for example.

I find people at hobby groups can be very quick to chime in that others should be kind and supportive when it in no way requires them to be. There was another thread recently where members were berating the OP for not wanting to give weekly lifts to an awful woman in the group. Funnily enough, all those slating her failed to volunteer themselves.

YANBU about bob’s behaviour but what on earth is the relevance of him being “on the sick?!?” why couldn’t you just say he doesn’t work? You had to add that little bit in to try drum up additional resentment and hostility towards him and YADBU for that.
However yes, he needs to be told to stop he’s bang out of order.

Classic case of a guy with zero self awareness, mixed in with a dose of loneliness, who everyone will just enable.

I’ve had a neighbour like this and was ostracised when I spoke up and no longer wanted to deal with his incessant bullshit. The whole street felt the same but a lot of people will just appease the dickhead instead of rocking the boat. Unfortunately, 9 times out of 10, you’ll be labelled the black sheep. But, you’ve done the right thing so be proud of yourself (it isn’t easy to call bad behaviour out) and it tells you all you need to know about everyone else in that group.

Oh give over.

The phrase be kind has been weaponised to stop accountability.

Let's not forget the lady who started it had battered her partner and then used the phrase because people called her out on it.

Because it's not her responsibility?
And do you not think Bob would have still messaged her through any means or questioned her as to why she wasn't responding or couldn't see certain things on her profile?

To yourself

This is harassment and bullying! I would message his wife and show her a few screenshots of the intensity. I would also show the group leader/owner/whomever is funding it and show them how his stalking and harassment has affected your mental health, the let them know you will not be returning because XYZ has bullied you out of the group.

I'm so sorry this has ended up like this for you. He sounds unhinged. You could even drop a mention of reporting him to the police because you asked him to stop and he's sent a witch hunt after you. You've every right to not want to be harassed. I'd even tell his wife you are considering the police.

For everyone who will jump on and go "Oooh what can the police do!?" They'll take it seriously, is what I know for fact.

Bob sounds like a pest.
You did nothing wrong, bloody well done you for speaking up!
However, it does sound a bit like a cliquey group with all that 'It's just how Bob is' rubbish, so personally I'd start looking around for a different group.

I can't stand these dynamics in groups. I've seen it in work places with a colleague who was a right creep, and most of the young women felt very uncomfortable but management would do their whole he means no harm.
He would get the new graduates to give him their number for random work reasons and then would bombard them with inappropriate texts.

Why didn't you just change your settings to acquaintances so all he can see you updating is your profile picture? That's what I do when people behave like this.

Why cant Bob be kind and not pester OP?

Ugh! 'That's how Bob is' - he's been allowed to get how he is by people tolerating his poor behaviour. People like Bob do not take a hint, you have to be blunt and set clear boundaries, if that hurts his feelings, that's his problem to deal with. You don't have to sacrifice your own mental health for anyone else's comfort. Bob will get over it or not, keep doing what you enjoy!

No, you're not in the wrong. Nobody should make you uncomfortable and overfamiliarity and non-stop rubbish sent to you is dull, annoying and horrible.

Well done for speaking up and it's a shame that the others don't see where you're coming from, esp with Bob not taking it well and bad-mouthing you. That should be enough for them to realise that you're right and Bob is a bit of a dick.

Be like the past Queen, never explain. The two people who need to know the details are you and bob, that’s it, he a cry baby telling the others for attention when he was in the wrong.

Well done for telling him to stop it. That must have been really uncomfortable especially as you'd just started to get involved with this group and weren't feeling particularly social anyway.

I suspect the others are envious they've not done the same and you're now on the receiving end of weird collective jealousy because they put up with it so why can't you.

I'm sorry this has happened. It's not on and I really feel for you. As a therapist who often recommends people to get out there, I'd be furious for you.

Perhaps play him at his own game and send a group message saying you joined the group because you were trying to overcome depression, and now have been made to feel very unwelcome. Keep it brief and let them reflect on it.
If you aren't that bothered on the group then I would just cast your net wide and try a few different things until you find your people.

Best of luck with it !

The Handmaid’s mantra.

Exactly. Count the total number of interactions (likes, comments, messages) over the course of a week or even a month. Quote that back at them. No way anyone’s willing to tolerate that.

You absolutely did the right thing, it would only have escalated to intrusion beyond the digital world i.e. turning up at things you’re at or at your house.

This started because you are a nice a mbt tolerant person. At this stage though, you should be ‘offended’ by Bob bad mouthing you, rather than the other way round. Yet I get a sense that you feel bad for Bob. Again, this is because you’re a nice person. If people say you’ve offended Bob say right back to them that actually Bob has offended you, badmouthing you after a simple polite request.

You should speak to the hobby group leader about it. Maybe they will be willing to explain your side of things to the group or to individuals causing you issues.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t leave the group. Obviously, if it continues to really get you down and it’s not good for you then you may make the better to leave. But all of us here are rooting for you to continue enjoy enjoying your hobby and not let daft Bob win. xx

No you haven't done anything wrong.
I had a similar experience. The person had mild learning difficulties.
It was getting too much and I ended up coming off social media to avoid them. This was easier as I didn't see them in real life (it was someone I knew from years ago who added me on Facebook. In hindsight I should never have accepted the friend request).

Who cares about his feelings. Don’t mind the other people who are trying to make you feel guilty. He deserved it, you were kind enough to him.

100%

I had a male friend who likes to offload on to me, when he finds a girlfriend it all goes quiet, then as soon as he's single or they have an argument lo and behold I'm getting multiple daily messages, most about his non existent problems. He never shows much interest in me, he pretends to but he never remembers the details etc.

I guess he uses me for attention for him and in his mind I'm that person who listens, boosts his ego, makes him feel better, shows empathy etc. Anyway I got sick of it and blocked him, best decision ever as I realised he brought nothing positive to my life. In fact i was waking up to 10 min voice notes of him swearing and shouting about minor things, it was awful.

Why didn't you just restrict your profile so he can't see your fb posts or what you comment on other people's posts, mute your conversation and he'd have got bored, if he said anything you say "oh I've stopped using fb, I only dip in to look at specific groups for information, I was wasting too much time on there".

You'd have had no backlash if you'd done that and he'd stop.

Have had this problem, I was nice, he pushed boundaries with nosiness. Then finally told him to mind his own business and don't talk to me as I will ignore you.
Which I did and although he was still nosy I didn't have the 101 questions everytime I went into the garden or out the front door.
Fuck being nice or kind. Many people don't desrve that decent response when they take the piss.