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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU not sending DC to dads?

42 replies

Silentwhisper93 · 15/08/2026 07:30

DC has a very rocky relationship with her dad. She’s 7 and he’s never been actively involved in her life. She currently has contact with him every other weekend, but there are no overnight stays due to his living arrangements. Since she was little, he’s made very little effort. He doesn’t attend school events, activities, sports days etc. There have been numerous occasions where he simply hasn’t turned up for contact.
The difficult thing is that he doesn’t actually cancel. I’ll message through the parenting app beforehand to try to confirm that he’s still having her. If he confirms that he is, I’ll take her to the agreed meeting point, but there have been occasions where he’s still not turned up despite saying he was coming.
Then, sometimes days later, he’ll message saying he was poorly, something happened, or giving another reason why he couldn’t make it. There’s very rarely any communication at the time to let me or DC know that contact isn’t happening.
I could probably count on one hand how many times he’s actually seen her this year.
This has become a continuous cycle. Communication between us is through a parenting app because things have become difficult in the past when I’ve challenged him about his behaviour. I always try to remain completely neutral with DC and encourage her relationship with her dad. I never badmouth him to her or let her see how I feel about the situation.
It’s now got to the point where DC gets extremely upset about going. She’s old enough to understand that he repeatedly lets her down, and it genuinely breaks my heart watching her get hurt by it. Hes expecting with his partner and this seems to be another reason why contact hasn’t happened, such as his partner being unwell or things going on with the pregnancy. I completely appreciate that life happens and circumstances can change, but this has been going on for years and isn’t a one off. I’m honestly at my wits end. She deserves consistency and to not constantly be disappointed. AIBU not sending her? There is a court order in place which he has never consistently followed. I know the proper route is eventually going to be going back to court, and that is something I intend to do when I can afford to, but that isn’t something I can sort immediately. I mainly got the court order as he was threatening to report me to the police for taking her on holiday with my partner. I’m really struggling with what the right thing to do is. I don’t feel I can keep putting her through the same cycle of being let down.

OP posts:
Sunnibee · 15/08/2026 08:39

Firefly100 · 15/08/2026 08:11

‘DD is getting distressed when we go to the meeting place and you don’t turn up. Because of this she is now saying she doesn’t want to go at all. In her best interests I propose any weekend you want to see DD you let me know 48 hrs in advance and text me when you have arrived at meeting place and I will leave to drop her off. If I don’t hear from you and get the text, I will take no action going forward.’

This is good advice. I don't see how this could be in contempt.

What a useless twat of a man. It's ridiculous that we have a court system that puts them before the kids. Your poor DD x

MerryUmberHedgehog · 15/08/2026 08:35

I know what Id do but best advice is to seek legal advice.

Darragon · 15/08/2026 08:35

ApplebyArrows · 15/08/2026 08:29

I pity the idiotic woman who's having her own kid with this knobhead when it's so clear he doesn't even care about his existing daughter.

The new woman has probably fallen for the script. Crazy/controlling ex who stops him going and has turned his child against him. That sort of thing.

Phineyj · 15/08/2026 08:34

I think I would highlight the relevant parts of the court order and send it to him recorded delivery with a note that if he does not use the arranged contact, it will be beneficial to you all to go back to court to make new arrangements and that the court has access to the app showing what contact took place.

Once that's been received, if the meeting place is feasibly close enough, only take her if he's texted to say he's there IF that's within the terms of the court order (could you afford to get advice on that part?)

You are building a case to reduce or remove contact in future if necessary.

Moonnstarz · 15/08/2026 08:30

I would get proper legal advice.

To me I would be collecting evidence that he is the one not turning up and breaking the court order. Check the court order carefully. Does it specify the meeting point and time? Should there need to be confirmation beforehand?

If he is not turning up then you need the written evidence. It sounds like you might be doing this but make it clear you are sticking to the order. 'we waited for you at 2pm as per the court order at the agreed car park. DD was disappointed you did not attend'

ApplebyArrows · 15/08/2026 08:29

I pity the idiotic woman who's having her own kid with this knobhead when it's so clear he doesn't even care about his existing daughter.

HoppityBun · 15/08/2026 08:20

Itsa10fromLen · 15/08/2026 08:06

I’ve voted YABU. You’re not really but I don’t want to set you up to fail. You KNOW you need to go back to court and get these visits cancelled or reduced. You can’t just not go, especially if he is likely to take you to court for contempt. Well, you can, as long as you’re willing to accept any possible consequences. Keep recording him not answering and not showing up and go get the court order amended. Sorry your girl has to go through this.

It’s not contempt of court.

Message him on the app and say that she gets increasingly upset when he doesn’t stick to the arrangements so he must let you know that he’s there before you set off. You can take her on holiday, assuming it’s for a couple of weeks only. Let him know in advance what the dates are.

If he doesn’t like it, then he will have to go back to court so make sure, as you say, that you are clear on the app what you are doing and why.

Firefly100 · 15/08/2026 08:11

‘DD is getting distressed when we go to the meeting place and you don’t turn up. Because of this she is now saying she doesn’t want to go at all. In her best interests I propose any weekend you want to see DD you let me know 48 hrs in advance and text me when you have arrived at meeting place and I will leave to drop her off. If I don’t hear from you and get the text, I will take no action going forward.’

IronEverything · 15/08/2026 08:11

Stop all effort from your end. If he wants to see her he needs to arrange it and collect her from her home.

Heretohelp1111 · 15/08/2026 08:10

What are the logistics of this contact. How often is it supposed to happen? How far is the meeting place from you? How far in advance is he confirming he plans to attend?

WinterBlues26 · 15/08/2026 08:09

He is mentally and emotionally abusing his child and it's time to start protecting her. Is there any reason why he can't pick her up from your house or is it a court ordered contact place? That way you only need to make sure she is dressed and fed before his pickup time and she doesn't need to know, which means she won't get let down and upset if he doesn't turn up.

If he wants contact then he needs to do the running, and you need to stand still until he does. If he wants a relationship with her then he'll step up.

Itsa10fromLen · 15/08/2026 08:06

I’ve voted YABU. You’re not really but I don’t want to set you up to fail. You KNOW you need to go back to court and get these visits cancelled or reduced. You can’t just not go, especially if he is likely to take you to court for contempt. Well, you can, as long as you’re willing to accept any possible consequences. Keep recording him not answering and not showing up and go get the court order amended. Sorry your girl has to go through this.

CynicalSunni · 15/08/2026 08:03

How far away is the meeting point?
If he never shows he wont notice if you dont take her. Then if he does message on the off just say youre running late?

Or if there is anywhere near the meeting point like a softplay hang about there until he shows/doesnt show.

CharlotteSometimes1 · 15/08/2026 07:44

I wouldn’t send her, she needs a parent who will always put her needs first and that’s you. You can sort out the court side of things in due course.

Original poster
Silentwhisper93 · 15/08/2026 07:43

I think so. Court has access to the app if I was ever to go back and you can see I’ve actively tried to organise contact. However I’m not even sure he knows what’s in the order as he never turned up to court funnily enough!!

OP posts:
Simonjt · 15/08/2026 07:40

You have a court order to make her available for contact, would it be within the terms of the court order that you don’t set off for the meeting point until he has confirmed he is there, if it isn’t too far away?

gollygosshhh · 15/08/2026 07:38

No I wouldn’t keep setting her up for disappointment. He sounds like a total waste of space who isn’t bothered about her dd so it would be best to phase him out rather than keep exposing her to his shit behaviour. I’m sure she’ll feel very rejected and hurt every time he fails to show up.

As there’s a court order in place I guess it might be a bit more complicated as I don’t think you can legally just stop the arrangements so maybe you ought to get some legal advice asap.

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