Help. My therapist won’t let me go.

OP you've had some really good responses here, but as someone who got 'stuck' in therapy for years, I just wanted to add that the only person who decides to be in therapy or end therapy is you. You do not need to negotiate with a therapist.

I personally think that there is a danger in the idea that they are the professional and know best, and there can be a 'mystique' and an isolation around psychotherapy that can be harmful.

It can also be transformative and life changing.

The work imho really lies in unpacking why you may feel you owe others an explanation for your decisions, but you really can just decide this guy is a bit of a weirdo and say a polite cheerio to him

Absolutely reasonable! Therapy is about you, and - if it doesn't work for you - you shouldn't take part. Find what works for you!

He sounds entirely unprofessional.

It's an usual choice of therapy to get on the NHS. Can I ask how you came to be referred and how long you've been waiting for it?

Discuss your feelings with him. He will talk it over with you. Therapy can take many years to work, it isnt a quick fit. But most certainly a worthwhile one for me.
Good luck.

Hi OP.

I had this therapy on the NHS (unbelievably lucky, I had it for 18 months).

Fire me or was brilliant and helped me in a way no other therapy did.

BUT

I really gelled with my therapist.

Agree with others that 5 weeks isn't very long. I'm sorry, I haven't been very helpful, but I wish you all the best.

It's easy, if it's not for you. I had that once, I was anxious and lost confidence. I did try talking therapy but it was not for me. So I told her an excuse and left her. Any excuse will do, I wrote to her and said I would not be available any more to see her, I thanked her and said goodbye. She did call me, but I had blocked her number. Then I got a Saturday job in a stables, and the horses sorted me out, I really enjoyed working with the horses. I also went to a fortune teller and she gave me hope

It is totally normal to get worse in therapy at first and then sometimes again and again. It is no reason to quit. This is because suppressed issues may rise to the surface. One feels worse at first, but these issues need working with to bring long-term relief.

Therapy is supposed to be hard or it is completely ineffective.

Unless it is making you feel worse, or you have an alternative you can take up, you may as well stick with it a bit longer, no?
And you needn't hold back about your concerns with him. You can ask him to explain his way of working. You can describe what it is you had in mind for therapy. Yes, it's great when you gel immediately with your therapist, but I don't think you have to in order to get something out of it. Might just take a bit longer to settle into the work.

I agree about the hard to read part, but you can't do psychodynamic psychotherapy in half a dozen sessions so I'm a bit confused about that part.

I’m a psychotherapist within NHS op. DIT is not routinely offered so you were lucky to get it.

at the end of the day, if you don’t want to continue with therapy you don’t have to.

I would raise this with him. I want to quit. Why do you think I shouldn’t? What is this therapy? Why do you think it applies to my problems and goals?

you need to clearly understand what DIT is and WHY you have been offered it and WHAT it is supposed to facilitate for you.

But it’s NHS therapy and OP waited a long time for it. I would have thought it wasn’t easy to get. I think this might alter the decision making process as long as it’s not harmful. might be worth trying for a bit longer, or asking to speak to a manager or the therapist about other types of therapy that might be more your thing, OP, or an explanation of why this type of therapy was chosen for your condition.

OP, can I just echo what @Twatalert said. People on mumsnet will not be able to give you the answer you want.

I am not a therapist but I work in a field in which our partner agencies just trot out 'parent needs to access counseling/therapy' as if it is 1) accessible and 2) the right thing for that person at that time (or any time- some people's experiences are just too painful to relive and realisticly the years of support needed is just not there).

However, if you are getting this support through the NHS, it will have gone through some kind of triage system to see how your needs are beat met.

I would also like to add, I was very lucky to access some amazing counselling as a mature student which changed my life and addressed childhood abuse and domestic violence in an early relationship as a young adult. The counsellor and her approach was totally right for me which was a stroke of luck. Years later when DH died suddenly, I took up the support via my work offer, and it really did not help because the counsellor and approach did not work for me. I did then get some help through the NHS, which was a bit trial and error, but ultimately it was helpful.

All the best OP.

This could be resistance on your part. Unless you feel he is being unethical I would give it a go. You are there for a reason. It is supposed to be uncomfortable. Also, tell him what you said here....you dont agree, its like a bad date. Spill it all. The fact you say he's been quite tough makes me think you should try and stick with it.

I had psychoanalytic therapy about 10 years ago. I had to lie on a sofa and look at the ceiling whilst my therapist sat behind me, very Freudian. I thought it was totally mental and nearly quit but for some reason, I stuck with it. Two and a half years, twice a week, like a second mortgage cost wise as i went privately. Some weeks I felt it was worth it, other weeks not at all, it was worth it overall though. This type of therapy isnt about validating your feelings or life experiences or to give you the answers, they arent meant to feature and you arent meant to form any attachment to them. It works.

OP, please do not just stop and please can people saying just stop. Getting any kind of mental health support, let alone for this length on the NHS is bloody gold-dust and just disengaging will not necessarily it is replaced. OP could find herself back on a very long waiting list. This is not to say it is the right type of intervention or the right therapist- it really is not an exact science. I am also mindful, things often feel worse before they get better due to how intrusive and re-traumitising the process will be. Whatever happens OP, I hope you get a good outcome.

I had this once, with a private therapist. I’d realise that we weren’t working towards an end point and I felt that I was just turning up and chatting: she was a psychotherapist so it should’ve been a bit deeper. I remember that I said to her that I thought perhaps now was a time to be working towards an end and she got quite upset and said “oh I thought you liked coming to see me and that you enjoyed the journey here as much as the therapy”. Which I did: it was a bit of a day out.

But I really hadn’t wanted that response from her. I raised it again a few months later and she was ok with it so Lord knows what the problem was the first time round.

Sorry that’s not really helping, you is it?

Therapists have a saying:
'If you can get them for one year, you've got them for five'.
If you're not a good fit, then stop or switch.
You are THEIR asset, paying their mortgage. Of course they want you to stay.

How were you matched to him / this therapy, could you go back to them and ask to switch to a different modality?

But you're only 5 weeks in.

They're trying to find out what is causing/triggering the intrusive thoughts and anxiety and then get you to break that pattern. So surely it's normal to feel frustrated by the process, as if you knew the cause you wouldn't need the therapy in the first place.

You've hardly given it a fair go. I'd stick it out until the end of the 16 week course.

This is the therapy a friend of mine had a couple of years ago and she hated it initially and told me it was pointless, but she kept going and actually found it really helpful in the end. She goes to some group thing now.

He looks confused when you're talking? That's off-putting. Is he doing it to challenge what you're saying, or are you the first human he's met, what's the level of confusion? If you stopped talking, would he say, 'can you walk me through your thought process there' or 'I am confused, take me to your leader'?

Many many years ago I had a therapist (private, so I was paying her) who tried to persuade me to carry on seeing her even though I didn't feel I eas benefitting. Actually deciding "nope, I can choose not to return!" was actually the most useful bit of the whole therapy. To a very young and insecure me it was very empowering! 😂

OP 5 weeks is a very short time in which no real progress is to be expected. He should explore with you why you don't want to continue (what exactly are you trying to avoid?), but shouldn't work to convince you to return. Having said that you keep returning, which may also be worth addressing in therapy.

If this is NHS, write to the service. Request a break rather than walk away.

Stop discussing verbally. Deal with it in writing.